The Birthday Gift

I haven't been doing as much writing as I would like over the last few weeks as I have been learning Flash. Here's a sketch I wrote, what do you think?

INT. CAR. DAY.

A MAN IS DRIVING A CAR WITH A SMALL BOY IN IT

MAN:

Did you have fun at Timothy's house?

BOY:

Yeah. His Dad bought him a Xbox 360 for his birthday it was so cool.

MAN:

Well, I think I know someone else who wants one for there birthday!

THE MAN AND BOY SMILE

CUT TO: THE MAN IS SAT ON AS SOFA IN A LIVING ROOM LOOKING EXCITED WITH THE BOY. THE BOY HANDS THE MAN A PACKAGE

BOY:

Happy birthday.

THE MAN TEARS IT OPEN TO REVEAL A XBOX 360

MAN:

Yes! This is just what I wanted!

BOY:

I had too save my pocket money for months!

I thought that it wasn't too bad but I honestly saw the ending coming. I think if you could disguise the ending in some way then it would add to it.

Nothing comes to mind though. Except.

Dad gives boy the XBox 360 but the boy is grudging saying that what he actually wanted was a fish slice.

I did like the boy's last line though in your sketch.

Hi Bam!

It's good but, as Blenkinsop says, it's a bit predictable so you need some sleight of hand in there to take the reader's attention somewhere else before hitting them with the joke.

Either that or unexpected joke at the end. (Different present, Dad throws full-on tantrum that he didn't get Xbox 360)

Hope that helps

Dan

Nice little joke. But why his he not just called his DAD instead of MAN?

Nice go but personally the ending was far too predictable in a sketch that has been doing the rounds in different forms forever. Not too sure what you can do with it other than, say, possibly write it as a Werther's Originals spoof with a cutting tag.

A worthy attempt though.

well... its good, like everyone says though its been done a lot.

Unfortunately it was predictable and at the risk of being called a po-faced old fart, the grammar was poor which I imagine is one thing writers should try to get right, ie "..had too save my pocket money..." and "..who wants one for there birthday.."

Perhaps I am indeed that po-faced old fart but this is just something that bugs me...

I had a feeling I would get this sort of reaction. I was aware it was predictable (I almost put that in the orginal post but I didn't want to put the idea in your heads) and for that reason I nearly didn't write it but I prefer to think of it as "classic" also I didn't see an ending that was more unexpected and still funny.

About my grammer, putting "I had" instead of "I've had" could be seen as the way he would say it (remember he's only a child) or at least that's my excuse

I always mix up "There" and "Their" but never "They're" I know when to use that

I thought the confusion was between "to" and "too", but never mind.

I felt the dialogue didn't work. The kid's first line is so unrealistic it can only work to flag the gag too early. Wouldn't he be more likely to say "We played on his XBox it was so cool"? - When he got it and who from doesn't matter.

I got an Xbox for £360. One was chuffed.

Very droll ajp!

Thank you dear boy