Short scene from a sitcom

Hiya, all

This is from something I've recently been re writing. Any/all comments appreciated.

SUE AND GEORGE, OLD FRIENDS, DISCUSS DEAD BODIES AND JAMMIE DODGERS...

SUE:
George, how come you’re so happy all the time?

GEORGE:
Why shouldn’t I be?

SUE:
You’re a bloody undertaker

GEORGE:
So?

SUE:
Well, you bury people…dead people…corpses…

GEORGE:
Well yes, the law’s quite strict about the whole dead part of it…apparently really, really poorly sick doesn’t count and will be sent back until such time as they’re unable to brace themselves against the lid with their feet

SUE:
And it doesn’t depress you?

GEORGE:
No - got any Jammie Dodgers?

SUE:
No - So, all that grief and misery – Hob-Nob?

GEORGE:
er… no thanks

SUE:
…Doesn’t get to you?

GEORGE:
Y’know? I often think…

SUE:
What?

GEORGE:
I often think there’s nothing more life affirming, nothing more worthy of celebration, there’s nothing more proof of the existence of a God, than a Jammie Dodger!

SUE:
Oh, piss off!

George:
Well that’s no way to talk to your best friend…not when it’d be so easy to dispose of your remains… Having the bad dreams again?

SUE:
No

GEORGE:
You can’t kid me

SUE:
Leave it

GEORGE:
(mockney accent) Leave it out. (Serious) It’s a year ago this month isn’t it?

SUE:
Is it? I don’t know - Jaffa Cake?

GEORGE:
Yes it is. A year ago since…

SUE:
Well, in the words Of Christina Aguilera and indeed Bill, the paramedic…

GEORGE:
… Exactly… you are beautiful, no matter what they say!

SUE:
Actually, I was thinking of the other one. Y’know? The one where she goes: ‘I’m a survivor’… or was that Beyonce? What do you mean? “No matter what they say” what do they say?

GEORGE:
Joke, dear

SUE:
Anyway, I’m fine

GEORGE:
Doesn’t look like it from where I’m sitting…
Y’know, I was watching one of those daytime TV programmes the other day and they had this agony aunt…

SUE:
(Groans) Oh for Christ’s sake!

GEORGE:
No, hear me out. Wonderful old dear. She has this way of smiling, while still maintaining a pained expression on her face that makes you think she’s known real suffering…of course it’s probably just haemorrhoids, but she inspires every kind of broken humanity to seek her help.

SUE:
Great. Well, if I ever get piles…

GEORGE:
And now she has a team to help

SUE:
Let me guess…a relationship therapist, a behavioural therapist, a beauty therapist, a holistic therapy therapist…a Pilates instructor…a..

GEORGE:
Yeah, you’ve got the gist. Anyway, they go and invade the life and home of some poor, unfortunate victim of life’s cruelties. Give her a makeover, de-clutter the house and tell the kids to behave

SUE:
What, no Indian head massage?

GEORGE:
No, but they also cured this particular lady of her phobia of poisonous snakes and spiders

SUE:
George, a fear of poisonous snakes and spiders isn’t a phobia it’s natures way of saving you from shit that’ll kill you.

GEORGE:
Yeah, that’s what I thought; still, she seemed quite proud of herself

SUE:
And just how often do you come across poisonous snakes and spiders in – where was it?

GEORGE:
Hackney

SUE:
Hackney?

GEORGE:
Ah, well…all the time apparently, she lives in this high rise where every other tenant has some sort of illegally imported deadly poisonous thingy kept in a fish tank, a shoe box or a cupboard under the stairs…It’s a jungle out there.

Nice dialog, Fran, though it twists and turns a lot and I wonder where exactly it is leading?

I appreciate that this is not a sketch and therefore most probably needs some context to get where it is going. Could you maybe post the previous or next scene?

Anyway, there were some nice lines in there and as I said the dialog is very natural and well written.
And you've given me a craving for jaffa cakes now

Good dialogue but as Ian says, there seems to be no obvious plot lines unless a snake or corpse turns up. Every scene should develop the plot in some way but can't see it here. But top marks for the dialogue.

Thanks loads for reading and giving your thoughts on this. Bloody difficult when all there is is a totally random scene with no context!

This was a sitcom, that just didn't want to go there, as it were. I dug it up again, because I liked the story I had for these two characters and wanted to see if I could make it fare any better as an hour long one off. Just as an exercise...I don't have any delusions of airing!

I just wanted to hear what people thought of the dialogue, was it natural sounding? In any way amusing? So obviously your comments re. the dialogue are much appreciated!

I shall keep at it!

I liked it Fran, the humour came from the characters rather than gags.
Let's have some more

Sadly I don't think merely mentioning Jaffa Cakes constitutes natural dialogue.

Do you think it had 3 jokes per page?

I do, I visualise it off the page.

I counted it as 2.75 and an iddy-bit so it's close.

I think it's very hard to tell from such a short piece. I couldn't discern any plot and although the dialogue was clever enough and natural enough (except perhaps the longer lines) I think the jokes would only have worked well from well known and well-loved existing characters.

I would like to have seen some plot. Too much dialogue without enough story-line for me. I'd like to have got a bit of embalming room action into it, for example! For me, a sitcom about funerals would have to be a bit slapstick to work.

Quote: bushbaby @ February 2, 2008, 11:42 AM

I do, I visualise it off the page.

View original

I'm not going to get into a naturalistic dialogue discussion with you again - I've learnt my lesson from last time!

I think the few jokes it had were laboured and obvious and it didn't jump off the page.

Quote: Seefacts @ February 2, 2008, 11:22 AM

Sadly I don't think merely mentioning Jaffa Cakes constitutes natural dialogue.

Do you think it had 3 jokes per page?

View original

Well, yeah, I do. It's the opinion of others I want though, so thanks for giving yours.

Hi Fran

I thought the dialogue was nice, although perhaps a little meandering. With every scene you write you need to know where it's going. This feels like you're just writing the first thing that pops into your head without any direction, which is actually a great exercise to do if you're developing character, but not so good in the actual script. You do have a natural flair for interesting dialogue though which is rare in itself. Well done!

Quote: Frankie Rage @ February 2, 2008, 11:43 AM

I counted it as 2.75 and an iddy-bit so it's close.

I think it's very hard to tell from such a short piece. I couldn't discern any plot and although the dialogue was clever enough and natural enough (except perhaps the longer lines) I think the jokes would only have worked well from well known and well-loved existing characters.

I would like to have seen some plot. Too much dialogue without enough story-line for me. I'd like to have got a bit of embalming room action into it, for example! For me, a sitcom about funerals would have to be a bit slapstick to work.

View original

The very basic gist of this is that while George, the undertaker is happy go lucky little soul, Sue, who works in a greetings card shop is a miserable wretch. The story is about their relationship...Goerge's well intentioned, but often cack-handed attempts to bring her out of her depression, which she is in denial of. Sounds hilarious, so far eh?

The basic storyline of this scene is George trying to palm her off with a dog he's beeen landed with...on account of it's just what she needs...embalming action? I'll give it some thought

Thanks loads, for reading and giving your thoughts on this Frankie.

Quote: Fran @ February 2, 2008, 1:54 PM

Well, yeah, I do. It's the opinion of others I want though, so thanks for giving yours.

View original

I also found the dialogue a tad cloying.

No one talks like this, I don't think, and I think the lack of anything of interest in this dialogue will make a potential producer not want to read on.

Quote: bushbaby @ February 2, 2008, 11:02 AM

I liked it Fran, the humour came from the characters rather than gags.
Let's have some more

View original

Thanks for that bushbaby.

Quote: Fran @ February 2, 2008, 2:12 PM

Thanks for that bushbaby.

View original

Right.

I see how we're operating.

Say it's good get a load of , but say it's not and get 'Well, I do, so there. NEXT!'

It's a shame people struggle with negative critique. And I think some people are too quick to back slap in this forum.