Louis CK... A bit harsh but effective
"I bet when you were being born, someone walked past the delivery room and said 'oh look, some c**t coming out of some c**ts c**t.'"
Standard put-downs for use against hecklers Page 3
The response, which must be immediate and fatal, should be tailored to your style. Jimmy Carr's style entirely suits this response, the best I have heard: "Excuse me, do I interrupt you when you've got a sailors cock in your mouth?"
If you deal with the heckler people tend to appreciate it even if what you say isn't particularly witty: the fact you're responding tends to impress people. I once read Jack Dee was doing really well with a heckler but the tart wouldn't shut up so in the end Jack used my fave ever put-down: 'Oh f**k off will you?'
Paraphrasing Jimmy Carr (following a "your mum" type heckle):
"That might seem like a rude thing to shout-out. However, I knew you were coming here tonight, because I was told by your mum".
"She said..."
* Bends over chair, looking backwards *
"... my son's coming to your gig tonight. He's a wrong 'un, he'll probably shout something out. What a c**t..."