On nights.......

Hi this is the first sketch I had wrote a year back, so has masses of sentimental value.
Please tell me what you guys think.

Four or five teenagers are playing football outside a block of flats. While playing they hit a front door, then a window of the same flat. The window opens and a man pops his head out saying “Oi, pack it in boys, I’m on nights” Then shuts the window. The boys look at each other and shrug their shoulders and continue to play football. They hit the front door again. The door opens and the same guy is on the shoulders of two knights in shinning armour yelling “Right let’s get the little shits: I warned them!” Then the two knights and guy chase after the kids one knight with a mace spinning around the other with a lance, and the kids leg it or get ripped to shreds depending on the screened time.

Hope you like

Nice. As a piece of short visual comedy with short dialogue I think it works. I like the line 'I warned them. let's get the little shits'.

it's the sort of sketch that would fit nicely at the start of any sketch show, it's visual, gets straight to it and has a funny twist where something normal, everyday (the night shift) is turned into something strange and unrealistic (knights) i liked
well done

Hey Maz

Excellent. Made me laugh out loud.

I think your layout needs work though, as it was a little difficult to read. If you read some others around here you'll get a better feel for it.

Dan

Thanks guys for the fast/positve responses. I totally agree Dan, that I'm guilty of being lazy with the layout. Its a pun however it was my first pun so its my baby.
Might be differcult to shoot but loads of fun finding out though.

It might be a pun, but a pun where you've gone to the effort of dressing people up as knights and beating little kids up.

We'll have to ask Charlie (he is the Pun Police) about whether or not you are guilty...

Dan

No Punstable is taking me down alive!!! (groan)

I like it Maz - although the night/knights gag has been done many times before I don't remeber it being done like this so to me it is still very fresh - and quite unexpected which is what you are looking for in the pay-off. If these are based on real characters please send them round my way - there are a few "little shits" up here.
Nothing wrong with a pun now and again - if it makes someone laugh is that not the point of it all? I once entered ten puns into a pun competition once. Did any of them win I hear you ask....unfortunately no pun in ten did. (sorry - shame on me).

It was inspired by the little shits Andy and that pissed off Lancelot and Galahad no end as they wanted more credit, to be fair they were just watching countdown while I was doing all the writing.
Thanks for the feedback

I really liked this. Maybe an animation of some sort..?

Would be great to work with an animator on loads of my scripts, the thing is they seem to want loads of dosh for it the cheeky mo fo's.