Prose about my Nose

I'm currently writing a book.

I write it on the train every morning in the vain hope that I can prove to a Facebook "Friend" that sleeping on trains is a waste of time.

It's kind of a blog and I write about things that happen in my boring life.

Unfortunately (and you will know what I mean by that when you read the content) this is not fiction..... it is most definitely based on fact.

Friday 2nd November 2012

This morning I feel like a teenager again. I don't mean it in the same way as when middle aged people say it to try and explain how they feel when they finally meet someone who wants to have sex with them. No. I feel like a teenager again because I have woken up with a massive spot on my nose.

I feel that I need to explain exactly how big this spot is. You are probably picturing a red mark, a relatively small, insignificant mark that any adult could easily get on with. Stop picturing that small red mark. This is not a spot, a blemish or a pimple. This is a huge embarrassing zit.

It is so big that it seems to have its own pulse. It's in that awkward place where I can actually see it out of the corner of my eye. I can't even just try and forget about it, as every time I look down, I think I have smeared jam on my face.

I would honestly rather have a black eye, or a busted nose than have to deal with this spot. I would rather people assume that I have a drink problem or that I am the victim of domestic abuse, then have them looking at my spot and questioning my facial hygiene.

When I think about it, I have probably neglected my face when it comes to pampering. I watch my wife do things to her face that I thought were only carried out at Spa's. When I say Spa's, I mean the things that used to be called health farms before fat people started going, not the chain of tired old convenience stores where fat people have always been going.

I've been reliably informed in the past that my wife washes, tones, cleanses and moisturises, although I will never know in which order they happen. If she was a car, she would be selecting the Platinum Wash and if I was a car I would simply be using a bucket and sponge, probably bought from the Spa.

As a man in his thirties, I feel woefully exposed, without any excuses to cling to or make up to hide behind. If I was a teenager, or for that matter a female, it could easily be excused as something to do with hormones, diet or stress, or a combination of all three; but I'm not, I'm a balding bloke in his thirties; so just deal with it baldy!

I've decided that I am going to have to try and cover it up; it is just too big to ignore. If I left it, it wouldn't just be the elephant in the room, it would be the mammoth in the broom cupboard. People would be talking to me thinking "Don't mention the zit" and I would be thinking "He's noticed the zit and now I have put him in this awkward position of having to tell himself not to mention the zit"

As soon as this train pulls in to the station I am going to make my way to boots and I am going to buy some plasters. I will select the smallest one and place it over the bridge of my nose. There are three ways to play this.

Option 1. Stroll confidently into work, plaster on nose and say nothing. A risky strategy, that will almost certainly result in whispers and strange looks, but I might just be able to get through the day unscathed.

Option 2. Stroll confidently into work, plaster on nose and say, wow, they were not wrong about these nasal breathing strips, that was the best nights sleep I have had in ages. Another risky strategy, as I might have to explain the pros and cons of a product that I have neeither used, or intend to use.

Option 3. Stroll confidently into work, plaster on nose and point and say "Look everyone, I have a huge zit on my nose, I can't face you having to look at this disgusting scab on my face all day, so I have done the best I could do in a bad situation. It's covered up, it looks stupid I know, but can we all just get on with the day, I'll make the coffee, and lets all just concentrate on the fact that it's the weekend in nine hours time.

Against my better judgment, I am going to go for option three. I will be completely honest about why it is there, while not brave enough to show why it is there.

Honesty over bravery.

The whimps way out.

Never take me to war; the enemy would have me blurting out secrets before they had a chance to strap me to the chair.

I can see the skill but I am having trouble relating to the problem.
I can understand a woman worrying about a spot on her nose, but for men I doubt few would be arsed.

The problem with relaying angst or inner turmoil is that it has been done by sharper pens, from insecure New Yorkers such as Woody Allen, George Costanza etc etc to effeminate types such as David Mitchell.

If the zit was followed by a loss of a ticket then a frantic search under the seat followed by a accidental touch of an ankle or a hand bag you could go off on funny tangents such as pervert or druggie bag thief. But worrying about a spot to this degree indicates a level of vanity and lack of personal depth, it needs more punch and pace.

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ November 2 2012, 10:19 AM GMT

I can see the skill but I am having trouble relating to the problem.
I can understand a woman worrying about a spot on her nose, but for men I doubt few would be arsed.

The problem with relaying angst or inner turmoil is that it has been done by sharper pens, from insecure New Yorkers such as Woody Allen, George Costanza etc etc to effeminate types such as David Mitchell.

If the zit was followed by a loss of a ticket then a frantic search under the seat followed by a accidental touch of an ankle or a hand bag you could go off on funny tangents such as pervert or druggie bag thief. But worrying about a spot to this degree indicates a level of vanity and lack of personal depth, it needs more punch and pace.

View original

Thanks Teddy.

I made a concious decision to write this book in as truthful a manner as possible. Embellishment is inevitable, but I don't see the point in writing about funny tangents, if they didn't happen. It's probably to the detriment of the book, but I need to stay true to the principles I had when I started out.

Punch and pace is difficult with the time that I have allowed myself to write each chapter. I write it on my commute, which takes one hour and five minutes. Again, that's down to me and my silly rules, but I like to set silly rules.

Silly me

You really should see the size of this zit though. It's like a second head

I've never been vain, I'm too good looking to worry about that sort of thing

Minty with the greatest respect I have read three days of your diary and its not like your living on the edge, if you don't start embellishing soon you're f**ked.

You need punch lines, predicaments, catastrophic capers, accidents, traits and interactions.

If you're not prepared to do this then when you publish the book, just make six copies, one for you, one for the person you sit next too ,two for the people in seat in front and two for the regulars behind you! You could also get one done in Polish for the Ticket guy.

They'll be the only ones interested.

You can write Minty, you have a degree of flair, but you need to show you have imagination if you want a write for bigger audience than five commuters and a Polish Ticket collector!

I had a spot just like it a few weeks ago, the boys in work asked me who my friend was when I walked into the office, and I was even considering taking some annual leave, until it went down (thats true)

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ November 2 2012, 11:00 AM GMT

Minty with the greatest respect I have read three days of your diary and its not like your living on the edge, if you don't start embellishing soon you're f**ked.

You need punch lines, predicaments, catastrophic capers, accidents, traits and interactions.

If you're not prepared to do this then when you publish the book, just make six copies, one for you, one for the person you sit next too ,two for the people in seat in front and two for the regulars behind you! You could also get one done in Polish for the Ticket guy.

They'll be the only ones interested.

You can write Minty, you have a degree of flair, but you need to show you have imagination if you want a write for bigger audience than five commuters and a Polish Ticket collector!

View original

I think he's Ukranian

Do you work at the DLVC or are there two office blocks in Wales?

Ha ha No I don't work there, but we call a room with more than one desk an office although strictly speaking the DVLA is our only real office block

I heard they have a team of guys in a cradle who jumble the letters around on the side of the building so people think there's four big buildings.

I even saw a cameo shot of it in the Swansea based all action flick 'Blodwyn goes Berserk' If you watch Welsh language action flicks keep an eye out for it.

It's at the part were Blodwyn Williams has a man in a turban hanging off the side of the building in order to find out 'If his offy has been selling fags to nippers?'
if you look at the sign under the turbaned mans feet it reads AVDL clever stuff.

I have seen the film, but keeping on topic I couldn't take my eyes off the big spot on the mans nose, I felt for him.

That doesn't make you a bad person.

This is readable and quite entertaining. But some how there's a lack of tightness and exageration.

I think edit it down a bit and maybe emphasise some elements and exagerate some areas?

Quote: sootyj @ November 2 2012, 12:23 PM GMT

This is readable and quite entertaining. But some how there's a lack of tightness and exageration.

I think edit it down a bit and maybe emphasise some elements and exagerate some areas?

View original

I was thinking the same sort of thing, you can still be truthfull but let your imagination run wild, you can imagine all sorts of things but still keep it honest

Check out Woody Allan for the master of angst.

Dude can fill minutes of screen time obsessing about nothing, whilst being hilarious.

Quote: sootyj @ November 2 2012, 12:23 PM GMT

This is readable and quite entertaining. But some how there's a lack of tightness and exageration.

I think edit it down a bit and maybe emphasise some elements and exagerate some areas?

View original

Cheers for the comments

It's good to know that while the content might be lacking, people seem to be saying that my writing style works, albeit it needs more emphasis / exaggeration / punch etc.

I'll keep writing the book as it is good practice if nothing else, but I think it's time to start mixing fact and fiction and looking at meatier subject matters

Thanks everyone