I haven't done anything like this before, and I am from the states but couldn't find a community other than this that could constructively criticize my show.
I have wanted to do stand-up for a while, but haven't sat down and written anything down before. Any critiquing would be great.
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Hello, my name is Eric, and I am an alcoholic. That's how the first ten seconds at Alcoholics Anonymous went for me. I went into this thinking "Cool, Alcoholics Anonymous, I can get help without revealing my true identity. I'm like a drunk superhero." Then they immediately expect me to tell them who I am. Anonymous means nothing to them. Nothing.
No, I don't drink actually. I never understood why kids drink so much. It doesn't taste that good and the next morning simulates being f**ked in the face by a huge cock with herpes, not fun. Seriously, drinking is kinda stupid. All through elementary and middle school adults tell you "don't drink, it's bad." Then we get to high school and the first thing that comes to our mind is "Let's get drunk." It's not a pleasuring experience. At least not the parts you remember. The good parts are always told to you by your sober friends or you find on the internet the next day. The parts you remember are the actual drinking of alcohol which is "meh," and the waking up naked next to five hundred pound transvestite covered in whipped cream and caramel.
I got drunk once at a party. Cool story, right? Yeah, f**k you. I got drunk and when I woke up I was naked in bed with this really hot girl. This was good, I didn't f**k up. I f**ked her, not up. I don't understand how that works, but whatever. But later I was told by my friend that the chick I slept with was a clapper. Yeah, I was confused too. I was drunk so I didn't notice, or care, about it, but my roommate said he heard her through the walls. A clapper is like a screamer. You know, a screamer. When a screamer orgasms, she's like "AHHH.... AHHHH...." So, a clapper.... See where I'm going with this? A clapper is like (Clap) "Very good. Well done, very good, very good." With the high pitched British accent, it's necessary.
So, does anybody here use Facebook? I never did, I always thought it used up all the time I could be using for more important stuff, like homework.... Or watching porn. No, I never had a Facebook, until one day I met this cute girl. She was totally into me and when we had to leave and go back to our normal lives she told me to find her on Facebook so we could get together some night. (Widen Eyes) So that night I made a Facebook.... and when I went to go find her, well you wouldn't believe how many people with the same name are on that website. Thousands upon thousands... So I started sifting through all the people. Fat. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Cute....Send friend request. Fat. Ugly. Old. Cute... send friend request. Covered in boils. Missing left breast. Asian Hooker... send friend request. This went on and on. It took forever, but I finally found her, and we talked on the little chat thing. I think I f**ked up that relationship in under ten minutes. (Chuckle) We were talking, you know, conversation. The topic of leprechauns came up, for whatever reason, and.... She was a redhead and her last name was O'Riely..... How do you not make that joke? It's just too perfect.
When I first started driving in high school, every time I took the car to go somewhere, my mom would say "Be safe." Every single time. And this made no sense to me. Is there another alternative? Does she think that if I'm not told to be safe I'm going to purposely crash. Like it's going to be a derby on the highway if I'm not instructed to contain myself (Simulate reckless driving with sound effects). Like GTA in real life. But I guess it makes sense to worry about my safety. Cause I'm a teenager. I'm a teenager so I'm invincible, that's the logic that almost every kid has. We all think we're invincible, so we do stupid shit. But that logic is what keeps the population in check. Could you imagine if every kid cared about their own safety. All the dumb ass f**k ups would not get themselves shot in gang wars and then knock up like forty chicks. In turn, those babies would be left without a caring father and wind up not getting shot in drug wars and knock up another forty chicks each. This would be a serious population problem. It would be horrible.
No, I do love my mom, though. Only cause I have to. You can't break up with your family. There always there, so you need to try and keep them liking you so nobody murders anyone. I do this by scaring the shit out of my family. One morning I woke up and I couldn't hear out of my left ear. This scared me. That can't be a good thing. But I calmed down and thought, "I need to f**k with my mom." So I go downstairs and find my mom, and with the most frightened expression I could muster I say "I'm going deaf, you gotta help me." And she turns to me, without missing a beat, and says. "You probably have an ear infection." No reaction, just plain and simple. I'm awestruck by this woman. She doesn't take my shit anymore. If I came downstairs in the morning missing my left leg she'd be like, "It was probably just a car accident dear." This is the same woman that tells me to be safe every time I walk out the door.
So, as you know, my name is Eric. I hope you know that, or you're an illiterate redneck who f**ks his sister, but hey, I'm not judging. Anybody else named Eric? (Raise hands and count a few) Yeah, your all douche bags. Seriously, I have never met a nice person named Eric. Firstly there's me. I'm just an outright ass. I always meet Erics and there all c**ts. It's got to the point where I just assume all Erics are douches. Like when people tell me they know someone named Eric I'll just be like "Oh, he sounds like a douche bag." People take offence at this, but I'm serious. I knew three other Erics in high school, and they were all assholes. One was such a douche, seriously, he would have sex in the band room during his study halls. Like what the hell, can you not wait a few hours or do you have a disorder and when you get a boner you need to f**k RIGHT NOW or it goes away? But I guess I shouldn't judge. It's definitely better than waking up next to the five hundred pound transvestite.
Thank you, it's been great.