Newsjack Series 7: One-Liner rejects Page 8

My ep 4 failures (and quite rightly rejected tbh):

Now there's a new prostate cancer 'barcode' test isn't it's about time the old tests are given the finger?

I'm so worried there'll be blackouts by 2015 I've bought a petrol-driven generator - but there's no way it'll be delivered by quarter past eight.

It's no surprise that Andrew Mitchell missed the Tory party conference - London to Birmingham is way too far to cycle.

I got really, really excited about watching NASA's latest rocket until I found out that SpaceX is just it's name.

I'm frankly disgusted that the West Coast Rail debacle's going to cost taxpayers nearly as much as a Manchester to London peak return.

Scientists have blamed the wet summer on the Atlantic ocean. Maybe next year they'll find it a bit drier if they get out of it.

If Cameron's finding the economy difficult to balance he should get help from the Greeks - some of them can balance a chair in their teeth whilst dancing.

Barclays is only buying ING Direct to dispel rumours it's run by fat cat bankers - the whole idea's BarcING!

I can't imagine playing a rugby championship with a ruptured testicle - the pain must be terrible everytime someone jokes about rugby players having funny shaped balls.

It must have been agony for Paul Wood playing rugby with a ruptured testicle - but I've always said that rugby players have funny (beat) levels of pain tolerance.

I wouldn't have my breasts examined at Kings Mill hospital if it's anything like the test for their loaves they'll just pick them up and give them a cheeky squeeze for freshness.

I wish scientists would make their minds up - either I cut down my drinking or little Johnny and Florence watch less TV but you can't have both.

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My ep5 rejects (which I thought were somewhat better than my previous weeks attempts):

People wonder why the Rotterdam art thieves would steal famous works by Picasso, Matisse and Gauguin. Like most theft, they only did it for the Monet.

I'm worried the Scottish referendum will see the Union given a battering - before being deep-fried and devoured.

I tried those new electric pants and they really do help avoid bedsores - it's impossible to stay still with the batteries digging in.

It's true that education in schools can lead to more drug use - I never touched drugs until I had to teach year 5.

Hirst's statue won't be much of a tourist attraction for Ilfracombe. Where I live you just go out at night if you want to see a pregnant woman holding a blade with no father in sight.

A planet with 4 suns isn't news. The local papershop has one for every day of the week. And sometimes there's even one in the sky when the rain stops.

I don't think I'd like to live somewhere with 4 Suns - especially if it's got 4 Murdochs.

The governor of Florida gave out the number of a phone-sex line instead of a helpline for fungal meningitis. In his defence the woman answering the phone does describe her services as 'Fun-gal Men exciters'.

My sister said that Balls out of Strictly - utter tosh. I watched all of it on slowmo and still can't spot any 'wardrobe malfunction'.

It's disgusting that a doctor's won a prize for making a computer compose love letters for him - he's a grown man and it's not even 16 bit.

Quote: Judgement Dave @ October 23 2012, 10:41 PM BST

My ep 4 failures (and quite rightly rejected tbh):

It's no surprise that Andrew Mitchell missed the Tory party conference - London to Birmingham is way too far to cycle.
Ha! First class :-)

I'm frankly disgusted that the West Coast Rail debacle's going to cost taxpayers nearly as much as a Manchester to London peak return.
Again, I like your train of thought.

Barclays is only buying ING Direct to dispel rumours it's run by fat cat bankers - the whole idea's BarcING!
Works on paper - not sure out loud.

I wouldn't have my breasts examined at Kings Mill hospital if it's anything like the test for their loaves they'll just pick them up and give them a cheeky squeeze for freshness.
NOT HEARD THIS STORY BUT IT MADE ME SMIRK

I wish scientists would make their minds up - either I cut down my drinking or little Johnny and Florence watch less TV but you can't have both.
Good one - I'm sure this was used - or very similar.

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My ep5 rejects (which I thought were somewhat better than my previous weeks attempts):

People wonder why the Rotterdam art thieves would steal famous works by Picasso, Matisse and Gauguin. Like most theft, they only did it for the Monet.
PUNDERFUL!

It's disgusting that a doctor's won a prize for making a computer compose love letters for him - he's a grown man and it's not even 16 bit.

Again, not heard this story, but like what you did with the punchline.
Would probably have got a groan if recorded?

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Quote: radiogagger @ October 25 2012, 12:17 AM BST

I wish scientists would make their minds up - either I cut down my drinking or little Johnny and Florence watch less TV but you can't have both.
Good one - I'm sure this was used - or very similar.

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Yeah - iirc they used something along the lines of "scientists/government are saying that children should watch less TV and parents should drink less - it's obvious they've never had kids".

I think there's been 3 or 4 this series where I've been this 'close' but that don't get a cigar.

Introductions

David Cameron has said he wants tougher prison sentences, maybe he should try Parkhurst Peter Packed a Person in a Purse

Rio Ferdinands stalker has been jailed - Rio only found out when he heard Roy Hodgson telling someone else

A boy has been thrown out of the scouts for refusing to take the pledge on religious grounds - I don't know why not believing in God stops you from polishing

Apps

(Scouse) Before he was jailed the boat race protestor said he was a class warrior - he's not a class warrior he's an average warrior

Why are people in the news because they've discovered information about the painted lady butterfly? It's not difficult all the information is on the salon wall - a painted lady butterfly is a vajazzle, right?

I'm pleased Andrew Mitchell has resigned - now the police can focus on what they do best - erm -well- they're quite good at wearing hats

It's true that us London taxi drivers have the best local knowledge - we don't want any of that rubbish foreign knowledge!

I can understand how David Cameron could misspeak -the whole country miss-voted

The undefeated racehorse Frankel has retired - it just goes to show that you can be successful even if your parents gave you a stupid name. (Off phone) You hear that little Tim Burr!

So Lance Armstrong has been stripped of all his titles - isn't that what happened to Prince when he became a symbol?

I can't believe teletext has finished - that's half of Peter Kays act - I hope nothing happens to garlic bread

I hear you can get a machine that will text a farmer when their cow is ready for sex - after seeing a farmers wife I don't blame them

So my sons not allowed to say he doesn't believe in God in class anymore? Unbelievable! - oh wait Cameron wants to stop re-offending not R.E Offending

Corrections

The Trekkie convention broke the record for the largest number of people in costume and not, as we reported, the largest gathering of people who live with their mummies

Earlier in the show we were not reviewing JK Rowlings new novel but referring to the conservatives who are reluctant to publically support Cameron; the Shy-Tory

When we referred to Newsjack as a niche show - we did not mean it appeals to a particular section of the community but that it's only listened to by my niche

We are sad to report that teletext has finished for good and you should not, as we suggested earlier, simply wait for it to go back to page one

END

"It's such a relief to know that Frankie Boyle's merely a bastard; as opposed to a racist bastard."

"The protester who disrupted this year's Boat Race is doing porridge alongside murderers. That'll teach him to endanger his own life."

"Wayne Rooney's hair is incapable of flopping. Unlike his latest book."

"I'd buy George Osborne a first-class ticket... to Siberia!"

"If 'retribution' isn't a dirty word - then why do I shout it every time I cum?"

SEXY YOUNG WOMAN:
"My boss wouldn't punish me if I refused to wear a T-shirt."

"There's only one thing more offensive than heterophobia - and that's whiting up!"

"An Al Qaeda terror plot's been foiled by Jordan. Perhaps she's not so useless after all."

ATHEIST:
"The Dalai Lama has used an offensive F-word... faith!"

Why on earth would they want to spend all that money developing Kevlar socks. I think they've shot themselves in the foot.

So Ceefax has finally ceased transmission. Well that's a page in History that took a long time to get to the next one.

No sooner have they discovered a Whale that can make rudimentary Human sounds, They're now talking about replacing him with Nick Grimshaw

We've been told to expect Blood rain which can turn the landscape red Much like the current coalition policies.

In Russia they are electing their opposition online, you simply click " like " next to the candidate you'd most like to see assassinated by Putin.

In America a 52ft wooden Cowboy that burst into flames is to be reconstructed, Britain expects to get the contract due to having the most builders specialising in Cowboy work.

Although Starbucks have refused to pay any additional tax they've said that they are prepared to show some contrition & shame by renaming their staff Em - Baristas.

E bay were actually all set to pay their full tax bill until one of the board came in with a lower offer at the last minute.
I Don't know how William Hague plans to pay for these new Spy schools, maybe he should try some sort of Bond Scheme.

I'm happy to eat British Oysters if it helps, but they are a lot harder to eat than the old Travelcards

Correction: Pope Benedict made Native American Kateri Tekakwitha a saint, because of her deep spirituality & not as we suggested , to make sure Heaven had it's own Village People tribute band.

Reading through I think mine could have used a bit more editing - editing with extreme prejudice in some cases.

JACKAPPS

CALLER:That bloke who punched the Sheffield Wednesday goalie shouldn't use drinking several pints of lager, several pints of cider and a litre of vodka beforehand as an excuse. That's how drunk I have to get just to cope with being a Leeds fan.

CALLER:I was onboard the Glasgow to Alicante plane evacuated when crew thought it might be on fire. Words can't describe the sheer panic I felt when I realised we were still in Glasgow.

CALLER:My next-door neighbour changed the name of his wireless network to "I can hear you having sex!" So I changed mine to "Don't blame me - your mum's the noisy one!"

CALLER:I agree with David Cameron - prisoners can be both punished and helped. By all means let them watch "X-Factor" and "Strictly Come Dancing"...just make sure they're given help afterwards.

CORRECTIONS

READER:We'd like to apologise for a report last week accusing Silvio Berlosconi of having sex with an underage girl. This has yet to be confirmed in a court of law - and there is no proof "Bunga, Bunga" in English means "Now then, Now then".

READER:Newsjack would like to apologise for last week's report on the Vatican making a 17th century Native American woman a Saint. There was no truth in our suggestion Kateri Tekakwitha was chosen accidentally after Pope Benedict interrupted the selection process, saying "I really fancy an Indian."

IN THIS WEEK

READER:This episode of Newsjack came from 2012 - the week BBC editor Peter Ripon resigned for dropping a Newsnight investigation into Jimmy Devil (formerly known as Jimmy Savile). David Cameron's troubled Government made no official comment, though they did change the name of Downing Street's Wi-fi network to "Ha Ha Ha. How do you like it BBC!"

Quote: Frantically @ October 25 2012, 6:41 PM BST

Reading through I think mine could have used a bit more editing - editing with extreme prejudice in some cases.

CALLER:I was onboard the Glasgow to Alicante plane evacuated when crew thought it might be on fire. Words can't describe the sheer panic I felt when I realised we were still in Glasgow.

CALLER:My next-door neighbour changed the name of his wireless network to "I can hear you having sex!" So I changed mine to "Don't blame me - your mum's the noisy one!"
This one was recorded last night.

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ONELINERS

Seems the French are coming round to the idea of eating British food, just last week in Paris I saw someone tucking into a chicken madras.

Thousands of badgers are celebrating news that the planned cull has been postponed, apart from one who has decided to stay at home and watch the soaps, well he is very set in his ways.

Before going into theatre, the first patient to have open heart surgery performed by a robot said she felt the procedure would transformer.

Education secretary Michael Gove has apologised to his former French teacher for showing off in class thirty years ago, though he still won't admit to putting a stink bomb in his bag of humbugs.

JACK APPS

I'm really going to miss Ceefax, the last time I used it, it told me the exact time the royal wedding would be on so I wouldn't miss it...29th July 1981, very helpful.

(Old man) Well I'm glad to hear pupils are taking fewer days off school, I never missed a day off school when I was a lad, well I never actually went to school in the first place but...

Quote: blahblah @ October 25 2012, 5:51 PM BST

I can't believe teletext has finished - that's half of Peter Kays act - I hope nothing happens to garlic bread

We are sad to report that teletext has finished for good and you should not, as we suggested earlier, simply wait for it to go back to page one

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Quote: Shandonbelle @ October 25 2012, 9:21 PM BST

ONELINERS

Seems the French are coming round to the idea of eating British food, just last week in Paris I saw someone tucking into a chicken madras.

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I like this, but it sounds better suited to a jack app to me.

Quote: groovydude89 @ October 25 2012, 6:09 PM BST

"

"An Al Qaeda terror plot's been foiled by Jordan. Perhaps she's not so useless after all."

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Quote: Steve Sunshine @ October 25 2012, 6:23 PM BST

Why on earth would they want to spend all that money developing Kevlar socks. I think they've shot themselves in the foot.

So Ceefax has finally ceased transmission. Well that's a page in History that took a long time to get to the next one.

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Quote: Frantically @ October 25 2012, 6:41 PM BST

CALLER:I was onboard the Glasgow to Alicante plane evacuated when crew thought it might be on fire. Words can't describe the sheer panic I felt when I realised we were still in Glasgow.

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Quote: blahblah @ October 25 2012, 9:25 PM BST

I like this, but it sounds better suited to a jack app to me.

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Thanks, I presume they could adapt to wherever it suited if need be...in this case, the 'no chance' pile

JUSTIN
This weekend Rio Ferdinand refused to wear a t-shirt promoting the campaign to Kick racism out of football. I don't blame him really, it has started to get a bit colder, hasn't it? I think a jumper might have been better...

Tom Hanks accidentally swore on TV programme 'Good Morning America', they should never have asked him what he thought of ITVs 'Daybreak'

Passengers were forced to flee a plane at Glasgow after smoke was spotted coming from the cabin. A spokesman for the airline later explained, that the captain had simply overheated his deep fried mars bar in the microwave.

THE JACK APP
I'm confused about this Nick Griffin tweet. I've looked everywhere for a link to Trip Advisor for his B&B recommendations - I just can't find it.

The rest of the Cabinet knew nothing about (David) Cameron's plan to give customers the lowest energy tariff. Sounds like a load of hot air to me.

It's good to see that the 6,000 banks in the EU zone have got finally one regulator. I just hope it charges the banks £25 for every letter it sends them.

Sylvio Berlusconi says there were no 'scenes of a sexual nature' at his bunga bunga parties. (DISAPPOINTED) Oh no, I'm gutted - I've just bought the DVD.

(SAD ALMOST CRYING GEEKY VOICE) The internet has killed Ceefax. Brings back memories of when video killed the radio star.

So Andrew Mitchell has finally quit, good news for the government, they don't have to brush the story under the carpet anymore, or make it leave via the side gate.

Quote: radiogagger @ October 25 2012, 9:32 PM BST

The rest of the Cabinet knew nothing about (David) Cameron's plan to give customers the lowest energy tariff. Sounds like a load of hot air to me.

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My final series 7 rejected mindfarts:

The government won't act on badgers and a cull is clearly needed. 645 is far too many MPs.

Europe's right to want 40% of women on boards - that's how I've always run my laundry and ironing business.

This week saw the launch of a campaign to boost workplace numeracy after studies showed poor number skills affect nearly 7 in every 2 adults.

NASA's Curiosity rover analysed it's first Mars sample reporting that it was brown in colour, relatively dense and unexpectedly contained nougat.

It's not true that doctors don't understand self-harming - thanks to this government we're quite used to dealing with cuts.

I'm worried that hacking claims are now hitting the Mirror - that could break it and that's 7 years bad luck.

I'm not surprised the passengers of the Jet2 plane panicked evacuating the aircraft - I come out in a cold sweat just thinking about being stuck in Glasgow.

I'm glad Trenton Oldfield's finally gone to jail for disrupting the boat race - he really should have been sent down after chasing those deer.

This week most of Brazil's newspapers left Google news. All left- and right-wing papers have gone, leaving just a thin strip in the centre.

So Ceefax was called Ceefax because it sounded like 'See Facts' but whenever I looked it was just news and sport and TV and things - virtually nothing about the sea.

The current crisis at the BBC would never have happened in the good old days when TV presenters wore dinner suits they looked smart whether or not it was Savile row.