My jokes that suck Page 2

Most of them don't do it for me, but then this sort of one-liner rarely does. I like the sex panel one - that could be a Private Eye cartoon or something - and really like this:

"Police tazered a blind man this week after mistaking his white stick for a samurai sword...and have apologized to the 200 women in Burqas they CS gassed after mistaking them for ninjas."

I would change "women in burqas" to "nuns" for a tighter rhythm, and because nuns are inherently funny, but otherwise this is a killer.

Not up to your usual standard Sootyj. I got the impression that you rushed them. I have added my own thoughts.

Quote: sootyj @ October 22 2012, 5:55 PM BST

These jokes were all rejected twice, in one case quite insultingly.

So what's wrong with them? C'mon all you haters this is an open goal.

50 shades of Grey to win the Book Oooooer prize
(Weak play on words)

George Osbourne and David Cameron's Cat clash over small bowl of scraps.
That was left out for Nick Clegg
(Clunky needs to be one sentence, not two)

Alexander Salmond described today how he wanted to debate David Cameron with powerful rhetorical punches.
Before asking what the word rhetorical meant.
(is the joke that he is thick, just don't get it)

Met has banned police officers from having visable tattoos
After a police officer was implicated of brutality by the tattoos on his knuckles
(Don't get it. Again, why two sentences?

The England football teams match with Poland was rained off.
Nice change for them to be able to blame another bunch of drips for failure.
(Weak groan)

Police tazered a blind man this week after mistaking his white stick for a samurai sword.
And have apologized to the 200 women in Burqas they CS gassed after mistaking them for ninjas.
(there is a joke here)

The Aberdeen bypass has been agreed.
After none of the opponents could find a reason anyone wouldn't want to bypass Aberdeen and actually go there.
(Too wordy which confuses things)

George Osbournes and David Camerons cat's spat this week was blamed on them not being neutered.
Cameron explained he wanted to get them and Nick Clegg done at the same time, but no one could find Nick's balls.
(funny in an 'another NC is weak' kind of way

Ming Campbell has said a federal Scotland can be a strong part of the UK, like the liberals within the ruling coalition.
He was praised by David Cameron, for saying this with a straight face.
(Weak)

When Jen told Ben she might need to go to the bar for some Dutch courage. He burst into tears and said "I don't want to be bummed by a Dutch sailor."
(not funny)

When Jen told Ben if he was a good boy he could watch her play with herself. He huffed his mum warned him about girls like her. That only had one controller for their Xbox.
(Punctuation all over the place here which makes is hard to see what the joke is)

I was on a flight to Malaga with the missus and I told her if the plane crashed only the black box would survive. Wow she said blonde hair dye must really weaken the roots.
(Do women dye their pubes blonde? The joke doesn't work unless they do)

I told my wife my bald spot was the solar panel for a sex machine. She said perhaps we should stop having sex at night.
(Now this is Funny!)

When I heard my wife was going to be the maid of honor. I suggested to Ben that he should check the ingredients more thoroughly next time.
(Remove 'the' from in front of 'maid' and this is funny)

Ben's dipped his willy in powdered aspirin. That way if Jen has a headache she can choose between oral and suppository
(Crude, not funny)

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Thanks this feedback has actually been really helpful.

And is exactly what critique is about!

So I'm going to have a go at a few more gags and run them past you poor sods.

Interesting about being too wordy, I always thought I was obsessive about taking out extraneous words. It would appear I'm not.

You're not really too wordy, but you might be too full stoppy! As stated above, lots of these jokes would be better if reduced to one sentence.

Yehthat's me being a bit too literal with the old feeder line punchline set up.

Quote: gappy @ October 23 2012, 9:06 AM BST

I would change "women in burqas" to "nuns" for a tighter rhythm, and because nuns are inherently funny, but otherwise this is a killer.

View original

Nuns' faces aren't covered though. It has to be burqas IMHO. Plus, the muslim element gives it a little bit of edge.

"Burqa-clad women" would flow a bit better maybe.

ah nowthat's neat

Quote: SimonWing @ October 23 2012, 12:07 PM BST

Nuns' faces aren't covered though.

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Yeah, I thought about that, but it's a pretty silly image anyway, so I thought it would be good to give it that extra twist of oddity. The alternative would be to expand onto other medical devices and aids for living, "police apologise for the controlled explosion of a Lambeth man's hearing aid"...? It's a good gag anyway.

The good thing is you say you had to refund some clients which means you're asking for money upfront. Good boy.
The trouble with a list of jokes is that's how they're viewed and it doesn't take long before you're rattling through them and not making a decision based on quality. To be fair I found some of the jokes to be funny but not enough of them; and like others I'd select the solar panel as my favourite. I'd say, 'I told my wife it's not a bald spot it's a solar sex panel.' She said 'We've got to stop trying at night.' At any rate you don't need the 'perhaps'.

I also think you should routine the material. You can come up with more than one laugh per topic, I'm sure, so a funny lead in then your two gags and finish on a what the Downing Street mouse said joke and it's hard for them to dislike.

I mostly use a site with an escrow system

I'm also slowly learning a few slamming jokes beat a slop of sloppy ones

F**k a tiger not a herd of she

Quote: sootyj @ October 25 2012, 10:36 PM BST

I mostly use a site with an escrow system

I'm also slowly learning a few slamming jokes beat a slop of sloppy ones

F**k a tiger not a herd of she

View original

Who's She?
The Cats mother?

Half a sheep obviously Alexander dumb ass