Can you see the characters in this?

Looking for a bit of help/critique, I am trying to write some scenes with a lot of dialogue never done it before, but it says to develop your characters, and I wondered if people could read this to see if you can see any characters at all, or what I need to improve on. (It does get a bit rude, and contains swearing)

Kevin has been chucked out of his house and is forced to move in with his best friend Darren who is is on the dole, they are talking about a girl Darren met at a party.

Internal Living room - Kevin is sitting on the chair Darren on the settee, Darren is texting all the time.

Kevin:
Who you texting all the time then?

Darren:
Just this girl

Kevin:
What girl, who is she?

Darren:
Just a girl I met at a party, that's all

Kevin:
Is she smart?

Darren:
She's ok, nice body and horny as f**k, problem is she got a boyfriend, but he is a bit of a knob, he was playing on the Xbox in the party and me and her were having a good chat.

Kevin:
You mean you told her you wanted to f**k her

Darren:
She started it, she told me that she had taken some speed and that it makes her feel horny, and I then told her, I wanted to kiss her on the lips, and move up to her belly button.

Kevin:
Nice line that

Darren:
I know, I use it all the time, and anyway her boyfriend is a boring bastard, and she is bored with him, and wants some extra cock to satisfy her, these young girls are like that and they are all with boring bastards, boys that look good, but are dull as f**k.

Kevin:
So is she coming over then?

Darren:
She wants to but things are different now, I was pissed and horny in the party, and didn't give a toss about her boyfriend, I am not horny now and I don't think she cares if her boyfriend finds out, and that worries me

Kevin:
So how are you getting out of that one then?

Darren:
I told her that my mate is staying with me because his wife has chucked him out, and he's crying like a baby in my living room.

Kevin:
Nice one, did you put a kiss on the end of the text or a sad face

Darren:
2 kisses

Kevin:
You should have put a sad face or better still, take a picture of me crying and send it to her.

Darren:
Shall I she'll definitely believe me then.

Kevin:
You probably would wouldn't you? She don't believe you does she?

Darren:
Well she reckons I'm lying, all talk and no action, she said in her last text

Kevin:
Invite her over then, sounds like a nice girl, I'd like to meet her

Darren:
Funny enough that is what she said, she'd like to meet you as well, and she said she is good at counselling

Kevin:
I don't need counselling, I need to get my life back to normality, and go home

Darren:
Kev you need Donna back but she doesn't need you, and once you realise that you are guna need some sort of help

Kevin:
Well that is not guna happen, she does need me, she just probably needs a break, she is getting older and her hormones are all over the place, women get crazy at her age, I read about it.

Darren:
Well I hope you are right, for your sake, cause your not taking it very well and your cramping my style living here.

Kevin:
Cramping your style, you have been on the dole for 15 years, you smoke dope all day, you go to parties and try to pinch other people's girlfriends, and most of your friends. No. All of your friends bar me are on benefits. What style is there to cramp?

Darren:
Well you might intimidate my friends, you just look to proper all the time, to official, you look like someone from the dole office or CID, it doesn't look good, It is Saturday afternoon and your wearing a suit, look at you

Kevin:
It's not a suit I got a shirt and a pair of trousers on

Darren:
Same thing, your shirt is even tucked in

Kevin:
So cause I got a job and wear a shirt, your friends will be scared of me

Darren:
They are not scared, but it's not good for business, makes them a little edgy, my customers need peace of mind.

Darren receives another text

Darren:
Shit

Kevin:
What?

Darren:
she is coming over....

Hi Carlos, the first tip I'd give is to steer clear of setting it with two guys in a flat / front room / sofa. It's been done to death. It would have to be the best script in the world to get commissioned and sadly yours isn't.

Is this meant for TV or Radio? If it is TV, I would suggest that you need to trim a lot of the unnecessary wording. If it doesn't add anything to the conversation or doesn't give the viewer anything extra, get rid of it. You want the conversion to flow, you don't want it sounding contrived or clunky. A good tip is to tape you and your mates when you are having a few beers and see how the banter develops. You will soon realise that you don't say things like

Darren:
Just a girl I met at a party, that's all

You would almost cretainly just say "Just a girl I met at a party"

I know it sounds petty, but it will help to sharpen your scriptwriting and allow for quicker and wittier exchanges.

I can easily see the two characters in my head, but they don't do much for me. You have essentially got a waster and a worker, which is almost identicle to Men bahaving badly.

I'd try and think up a completely different scenario, try and get away from two guys in a flat. Think about situations you have found yourself in, maybe think about other examples where two different people from different backgrounds are thrown together and see what develops.

You also mention that you are trying to write some scenes with a lot of dialogue. Why? If it is not natural to you, don't bother. Do what is natural and what feels best. Sure, if you want to get better, then practice it, but if you are doing it becuase you think you should, then stop and do what you want to be doing.

In answer to the question: yes I can see the characters.

It isn't especially realistic or funny dialogue though. That said, I'm not sure I'd have picked up on the "just a girl...that's all" as a big problem like Minty did; two extra syllables there isn't going to kill the script.

The bigger issues are
i) Kevin offers strange responses without any evident reason (comic or realistic) like "is she smart" about a girl his mate is texting
ii) the subject of the conversation jumps about too much.
iii) most comedy aims for a lot more funny lines per page than this. If I was writing this scene I'd throw in some wittier (or stupider) comebacks.

What's good about it?

This bit is good. Short and snappy but believable. Two possible laughs as well.

Kevin:
Nice one, did you put a kiss on the end of the text or a sad face

Darren:
2 kisses

Kevin:
You should have put a sad face or better still, take a picture of me crying and send it to her.

This isn't. Kevin's response doesn't make much sense, and the counselling bit sounds like an afterthought.

Darren:
Well she reckons I'm lying, all talk and no action, she said in her last text

Kevin:
Invite her over then, sounds like a nice girl, I'd like to meet her

Darren:
Funny enough that is what she said, she'd like to meet you as well, and she said she is good at counselling

Minty is right about there being a lot of "two blokes in a flat" scripts too, but then production companies are happy making a million mediocre marginally-dysfunctional family shows.

Quote: enigmatic @ October 22 2012, 2:40 PM BST

Minty is right about there being a lot of "two blokes in a flat" scripts too, but then production companies are happy making a million mediocre marginally-dysfunctional family shows.

View original

Spot on

Well thank you both, some good advice there, my first aim was to see if the characters came out in it and I think you both agreed they did some shape or other.

At the moment it is just meant for practising different things out, but TV I would say if I had too.

The bit where Darren says "Just a girl I met at a party, that's all" is pretty much how me and my friends speak, but we are welsh so maybe that is why I added thethat's all bit.

I have written quite a lot of this and showed it to my friends, they like it, but they are my friends, and they would say that.

So Your advice is very helpful, and needed at this point before I go on and write lots more of the same. At the moment I do not know what is natural to me, I just like writing, though short sketches I prefer but I enjoyed writing longer bits of dialogue.

And I agree enigmatic, last week I watched a new sitcom about a boy coming home, with a new girlfriend but his family diidn't know it was really his wife, it was shockingly bad can't remember the name of it but yes they are making a million mediocre marginally-dysfunctional family shows.

But thank you both very much for the feedback it is really appreciated

Quote: Minty @ October 22 2012, 2:15 PM BST

Hi Carlos, the first tip I'd give is to steer clear of setting it with two guys in a flat / front room / sofa. It's been done to death.

View original

I disagree. Sure it's been to death, but that's just another setting in everyday life. The thing to achieve is not to come up with an original setting but make yours stand out from all the other flat share sitcoms. That is the simple truth.

The family home, the student home, the workplace, in space, on an airplane. It's all been done. So concentrate on characters and great dialogue to make it pop.

Quote: Lee @ October 22 2012, 4:50 PM BST

I disagree. Sure it's been to death, but that's just another setting in everyday life. The thing to achieve is not to come up with an original setting but make yours stand out from all the other flat share sitcoms. That is the simple truth.

View original

Like I said, go ahead and do the flat share thing, but it would have to be very very good to get anyone to read beyond the first page

Quote: Lee @ October 22 2012, 4:50 PM BST

I disagree. Sure it's been to death, but that's just another setting in everyday life. The thing to achieve is not to come up with an original setting but make yours stand out from all the other flat share sitcoms. That is the simple truth.

The family home, the student home, the workplace, in space, on an airplane. It's all been done. So concentrate on characters and great dialogue to make it pop.

View original

Thanks Lee, them are inspirational words, I was trying to think of other settings that hadn't been done, and I come to the conclusion that I was thinking myself out of writing, so I went with what I knew.

My first aim is to try to make characters that are believable, just to see if I can do it because it sounded really hard, and then after that was to spend lots and lots of time re writing the dialogue.

Quote: Minty @ October 22 2012, 5:27 PM BST

Like I said, go ahead and do the flat share thing, but it would have to be very very good to get anyone to read beyond the first page

View original

I agree totally, I am under no illusions but for the moment, it feels like a good exercise for me