I was approached to submit satirical jokes for a BBC show - these are the ones which weren't used
Scottish Independence
The deal for the Scottish independence referendum has finally been struck in Edinburgh, shortly after David Cameron was struck by Alex Salmond for refusing to sign the referendum.
The Scottish referendum has been signed which sees both sides trying to curry favour with the Scottish electorate. SNP leader Alex Salmond promised to lower taxes whilst Conservative leader David Cameron promised to legalise heroin.
Now the Scottish referendum has been signed David Cameron has begun trying to curry favour with the Scottish electorate by walking through Edinburgh dressed as a deep fried Vindaloo.
Now that the terms of the Scottish independence referendum has been agreed David Cameron has begun trying to win over the electorate by announcing he shares a great love of the Scott's, saying his very favourite is Scott Mills.
There will only be one simple question on Scottish Independence referendum, but it will be the hardest decision for the Scottish electorate to make; who don't they want to be governed by, Salmond or Cameron.
A jubilant father was said to be delighted at the successful separation of the conjoined siblings. However many have told Alex Salmond to wait until after the independence results have been announced.
UK News
After losing its latest copyright infringement appeal against Samsung, Apple has dropped its lawsuit against David Cameron. Apple had accused David Cameron of copying its iconic look, white and shiny.
Frankie Boyle is suing The Mirror for defamation after it printed an article calling the shock comic racist. We are defending ourselves "on the basis of truth and fair comment" the paper said without a hint of irony.
The lawyer for Gary McKinnon who hacked into US government computers to search for evidence of UFOs said his only mistake was believing in silly conspiracy theories, we all know there is no such thing as America.
Despite both Gary McKinnon and Abu Hamza being considered suicidal Abu Hamza was extradited whereas Gary McKinnon wasn't. The Home Office hit back saying that Abu Hamza wasn't deemed a flight risk as he is unarmed and considered hilarious.
The Home Office has come under fire for its treatment of terror suspects. The Home offices' response was to arrest its critics and charge them under the terrorism act.
Starbucks has managed to legally evade paying any tax over the last three years due to its policy of hiring only the very best solicitors and baristas.
A survey shows the average price of an English football ticket has risen five times above inflation. The rate of increase is comparable to rental prices in London or the level of embarrassment fans feel after a Rangers match.
Most Scottish clubs expect to make a financial loss this season; one loss, well at least that's not too bad compared to the national team.
The attorney general has blocked the publication of Prince Charles' letters to the government because it could seriously undermine him when he becomes King, which is ridiculous, because that will never happen.
The attorney general has blocked the publication of Prince Charles' letters to the government because it could seriously undermine his credibility when he becomes King; seriously overestimating his credibility in the first place.
ITV has admitted it was subject of a hoax when in reported on a story about a celebrity sperm bank. It's not the first time the television company has been tricked, most recently when someone said it would be a great idea for them to knick Adrian Chiles from the BBC.
The gay couple who were turned away from a bed and breakfast have won case three-thousand six hundred pounds in compensation for injury to feelings. Mr Black was especially happy as he also won his case against his partner who said he did look fat in this.
Scotland's most senior judges will review the use of television cameras in court. Lord Gill said he was all for it after studying many hours of Judge Judy
Labour has accused David Cameron of U-turning on his pledge to deal with energy bill rises. David Cameron refuted this claim insisting he was actually turning in circles because he couldn't afford to turn the heating on.
International News
Greece has been hit by a new general strike. One tourist said that trains weren't running, rubbish has not been collected and no one was doing any work, before Greece started the general strike.
Scientists, philosophers and theologians are to meet in Cern for a conference on the Big Bang theory. It is hoped that Science and Religion can finally find some common ground on the American sitcom.
Felix Baumgartner, who became the first person to break the sound the barrier through free-fall, hit back at his critics saying he hoped this proved once and for all that Red Bull doesn't give you wings
Felix Baumgartner broke the sound the barrier after jumping from twenty-four miles up; his family was delighted that's all he broke.
Lance Armstrong has stepped down as Chairman of Livestrong after being accused of doping. He has relinquished his title after allegedly gaining an unfair advantage over his rivals in the competitive sport of running, a charity.
Nike has dropped Lance Armstrong from its sponsorship deal as they felt having the association of an alleged doping cheat wearing sportswear that's made by children for less than five pence an hour, would tarnish its reputation.
Endeavour completed its final mission last week, journeying to a museum in L.A. The space shuttle which travelled at seventeen hundred miles an hour racked up a record number of speeding tickets.
A bomb plot, bought from an FBI informant that was to be used against a federal building in an attack organised by the FBI has been foiled by the FBI; proving that the FBI does play a vital role in terrorism.
Possibly to Out of Date News
The Conservatives have announced householders who confront burglars with force will escape prosecution after the next set of budget cuts, along with the burglars and anyone else who commits a crime.
David Cameron once said he would not join twitter because and I quote "too many tweets make a twat". However he has now u-turned on this decision after realising that he is one.
