Quote: blahblah @ October 18 2012, 10:56 PM BST
Introductions
Conservative MEP Daniel Hannan said the European Union winning the Nobel Peace prize rendered parody redundant - oh well we've had a good run
Thanks to his astonishing weight loss of nine and a half stone Flemish politician Bart De Wever became a public favourite which culminated in him becoming Mayor of Antwerp this week. This is not the first time a politician has used a weight change to get into power - to become Prime Minister David Cameron gained twelve stone
A Frankie and Benny restaurant in Swansea accidently gave a two year old boy whisker instead of juice - the mistake was only discovered when his parents caught him texting an ex girlfriend
In radio news Clare Balding is set to replace Aled Jones as the host of Radio 2's Good Morning Sunday - talk about the bland replacing the bland
Apps
I hear there's a café in Japan that charges you to sleep next to someone without having sex - if that's what they want why don't they get married? Seriously I've been married twenty years and its only hate that's inside of me
Electric pants do prevent bed soars, but they're not very helpful with my incontinence F/X electric shock
Corrections
Mistakes are like children - easy to make but hard to escape from. In an attempt to distance ourselves from past mistakes Newsjack would like to make the following corrections
And Finally
That was Newsjack first broadcast two years ago during the week that saw David Cameron and Alex Salmond agree to hold a Scottish Independence referendum and I can now exclusively reveal the results and - sorry my producer wants to talk to me
F/X whispering
I'm sending the vote to deadlock
END
Really like the EU one.
The David Cameron 12 stone one is lost on me. Have I missed a really clever reference there?
That whisky one was used. Good one!
On the Balding / Jones one I feel it needs to end with the bland leading the bland to really work. (Obviously the set-up needs to be different then!)
That marriage one isn't so far off the mark. There were a few JackApps this week that were just 'my life sucks' so def on message.
On Corrections they've never used the mistakes are like children line but I know it's been sent in a few times. (I've sent it in twice once about the Pope and once about the Chinese!).
Here's a memory test for people can anyone remember NJ doing anything on X-factor this series? I could be wrong but (thankfully) they seem to have avoided it this time around.
Quote: radiogagger @ October 18 2012, 11:22 PM BST
Poor Johnny Ball. He should have told the panel to think of a higher number.
Pippa Middleton has turned down the chance to promote her book on American chat shows. I suppose she wants to swot up on the Magna Carter first.
CORRECTIONS
Last week we said that UK athletics were withdrawing funding of Paula Radcliffe because she's Scottish. We meant to say its because they were worried she would piss it all away...
I liked these best from yours radiogagger. Again I might be being harsh but for the rest I felt the 'twist' or 'surprise' was missing a bit. Seems like now they're looking for a take on it that no-one else has done.
Quote: LippyAlison @ October 19 2012, 12:01 AM BST
Yahoo has recruited more Google executives. Even Yahoo searches now turn up Google in first place.
SCOTTISH ACCENT: Is it right I only get one question about Scottish independence? Oh, was that it?
Like these. That Yahoo line was very good, although as Dan said perhaps need a slight re-wording.
Quote: enigmatic @ October 19 2012, 5:32 AM BST
INTRO
Deranged daredevil Felix Baumgartner plunged to earth faster than the speed of sound, but it still took him ten minutes to fall to the ground. That's nearly nine minutes longer than it took Audley Harrison.
That's a great line. Shame that NJ seem to shy away from only the very biggest sports stories.
Quote: ash williamson @ October 19 2012, 2:13 PM BST
Residents of Ilfracombe remain undecided on the artistic merit of Damien Hirst's 60ft bronze statue. Critics believe the depiction of a large pregnant woman bearing her breasts and screaming at the sea would be more relevant to an Essex town.
"That guy who jumped from space was kinda impressive, but I hold the world record for the most scotch eggs eaten in a minute, 94, your move Baumgartner."
Nice work on the sketch - Good job!
And don't know if NJ feel the same but personally I feel Nick Clegg U-turn / Eric Pickles fat / Ed & Dave Miliband / 50 shades of Grey have been done to death.
The statue one is good, in fact so good I think a very similar one made the recording. And I just like the scotch eggs one.
Quote: Dan W @ October 19 2012, 9:47 AM BST
my shower
Correction
Yesterday we incorrectly reported that Felix Baumgartner broke the world record for fastest decent to earth, this record was actually is currently held by Audley Harrison who managed to hit the deck in just 82 seconds on Saturday evening.
Ah. That is a good joke as I said earlier but may explain why they didn't go with it!
Quote: swerytd @ October 19 2012, 2:34 PM BST
JUSTIN:
Paintings by Picasso, Matisse, Monet, Gauguin and Freud have been stolen from a museum in Rotterdam. Police were expected to make a statement, but they couldn't agree on what it was trying to say.
JUSTIN:
The artistic merit of Damien Hirst's giant bronze statue of a pregnant woman has split opinions in the Devon seaside town of Ilfracombe. Outrageous, immoral, bizarre, obscene, offensive, disgusting, grotesque, a monstrosity and of no artistic merit, Damien Hirst is a sculptor.
THERESA MAY:
I have no doubt that computer hacker Gary McKinnon is seriously ill and, as such, I am withdrawing the extradition warrant against him. (PAUSE) I'm sure these notes didn't say this before I printed them out...
JACKAPP:
I'm glad Virgin Trains will continue to run services on West Coast Mainline for at least another nine months. I might very well arrive at my destination.
Wow, it's a tough gig if that paintings line didn't get in. Think the McKinnon one was great too but that story had three sketches so was pretty well covered!
And that Damien Hirst one seems very similar to one in the recording. It might not have been about Damien Hirst but definitely a style they like.
--------------------------------
And only fair I put my own out for public comment:
THIS IS THE ONE THAT GOT ON:
(OLD PERSON) I don't know why all these people are using food banks. I don't trust banks, so I keep all my food tucked away in a mattress upstairs.
(I ranked it 5th favourite so shows what I know)
AND HERE ARE THE OTHERS:
I don't believe blood boosting really helps endurance athletes. If that was true wouldn't more people be cycling in the Twilight movies?
So Theresa May wants to opt-out of all the EU rules and then choose which ones to keep later on? (SIGHS) It's like playing Monopoly with my 8-year old.
(GEEKY MAN) I really like the new GoldieBlox toy that tries to get girls interested in engineering. But the more important question is what's going to get girls interested in engineers?
A record 8 million people watched Felix Baumgartner's jump on YouTube. There's only one video that's going to beat that - Felix Baumgartner's jump auto-tuned.
Finally Cuban are scrapping exit permits for citizens who want to go abroad. Although if you want to get back in again you will need your hand stamped before you leave.
(WORKING CLASS MAN) I'm not surprised that James Bond has a secret gay past. I mean he drinks cocktails after all.
AND THESE AREN'T REALLY FUNNY BUT HEY, THERE'S A MESSAGE:
Starbucks UK haven't paid any tax since 2009? And I thought their coffee left a bad taste in the mouth.
Do Starbucks UK expect us to believe they haven't made any profit in 3 years so don't have to pay tax? And I thought their muffins were difficult to swallow.
mine was the Madonna piece.
