From the first ever episode of Frasier, after Daphne tells them she's psychic:
"Daphne, I think it would be best if you leave. Don't be alarmed, we'll contact you. If not by telephone then through the toaster."
Always makes me laugh! 
The funniest ever joke ever on TV ever? Page 9
Quote: Rigid Bones @ June 13 2012, 7:32 AM BSTI think this was on Not The Nine O'clock News...(in comedy "European" accent)...
Customer: I'd like to buy some deodorant please.
Chemist: Ball or aerosol?
Customer: No. Underarm.
Ha!
Quote: Rigid Bones @ June 13 2012, 7:32 AM BSTI think this was on Not The Nine O'clock News...(in comedy "European" accent)...
Customer: I'd like to buy some deodorant please.
Chemist: Ball or aerosol?
Customer: No. Underarm.
Ha!
Quote: Rigid Bones @ June 13 2012, 7:32 AM BSTI think this was on Not The Nine O'clock News...(in comedy "European" accent)...
Customer: I'd like to buy some deodorant please.
Chemist: Ball or aerosol?
Customer: No. Underarm.
Ha!
I think the title of that sketch is 'Old Chestnuts No.27. At the Swedish Chemist'.
Mel Smith is the customer and Rowan Atkinson is the chemist (it could be v.v. or neither) and at the end they both look at the camera with daft 'Yeah?' expressions.
How about.
Person 1 (sees person 2 dragging a chain) 'Why are you dragging that chain?'
Person 2 Have you ever tried pushing one?
It must be an old one, Marx Bros or something like that but I saw it on The Banana Splits and it just blew me away at the time. Amongst all the running around and bumping into each other an actual, crafted, thought out joke.
I've not read the whole thread but I'll bet that's the first Banana Splits joke up here.
Quote: lofthouse @ June 21 2011, 9:27 PM BSTThat reminds me of the quiz in The Office
question was who was the Cuban leader
Brent had to shamefully admit he answered Fray Bentos
lmfao !
Duty Free, an angry Gwen Taylor tells a boastful matador '...you're not a sportsman you're a...a...a hitman for Fray Bentos!'
Will hapless holiday makers David and Amy ever be able to relax on their Spanish Holiday? Tune in next week to find out!
So much of the shows that have already been mentioned are almost totally quotable but from the I, Partridge book the line where he's talking about an old schoolmate who had a child with a lab technician he says something along the lines of
'..although he has about as much contact with that child as you or I do.'
I nearly vomited I was laughing that much.
Do you remember Hot Metal? No? No, no one does.
Anyway after haranguing a local priest because he may have been a werewolf the Daily Crucible was forced to print a retraction and an apology.
Despite the front page STILL claiming the priest's lycanthropic traits the crossword contained the clue 'He's not really a werewolf 7,5)
That was a good one.
Blackadder 2 I think it was. here is a knock at the door in the distance. Baldrick says, "I'll get the door" There is a loud crashing sound and Baldrick walks in with the door stuck over his head. Blackadder says "Baldrick you had better make this spectacularly good"
Maybe you have to see it
Although I've been advised the K2 Tax scheme is entirely legal, and has been fully disclosed to HMRC (Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs) - Jimmy Carr
This:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fBZ-wDRudsg
and also later this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNYMxgNKIEU
Rimmer: Step up to Red Alert!
Kryten: Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.
Gets me every time 
That did absolutely kill me when I first heard it. Now I've rewatched it so many times it doesn't do much anymore. 
Wish I could wipe my memory.
Quote: zooo @ October 14 2012, 10:30 AM BSTThat did absolutely kill me when I first heard it. Now I've rewatched it so many times it doesn't do much anymore.
Wish I could wipe my memory.
He, yes, I know what you mean.
It's the way Kryten says it that makes it so great I find.
I just watched season 4 on DVD, I have had the complete series lying around for many years but I only began watching them just recently. The good thing is that I can watch it with (English)subtitles now, I used to have the videotapes which I bought in England, but they were without subtitles. So I missed a lot of jokes being Dutch I really enjoy watching Red Dwarf again..
Quote: jhmagic1 @ June 13 2012, 12:19 AM BSTRimmer: Is that painting yours, its rubbish?
Lister:.............Its a mirror!
This is brilliant because it's a character based joke too! And that's how you write a good sitcom
There's a line in You rang M'Lord ? that I liked. They are all going out on a picknick, Henry sits next to Lady Lavender in the bus, or whatever is was, and Lady Lavender asks Henry; 'who are you ?' Henry says: "i'm the one who drew the shortest straw".
Loved that. Okay, it's not the funniest joke ever, but still
Can't believe nobody's mentioned this one yet...
German: Will you stop talking about the war!
Basil: Me? You started it!
German: We did not start it.
Basil: Yes you did, you invaded Poland...
Inspector: (referring to Fletcher) He's very articulate
Mackay: (without missing a beat) Yes. Like a lorry
KOCHANSKI: Oh my god, just how *stupid* am I?
KRYTEN: According to my calculations, ma'am --
And they don't get more edgy than this closer to a sketch from Chappelle's show which remarkably was loosely based on his own grandfather.
PRESENTER: In the past few weeks, Clayton Bigsby accepted the fact that he is a black man. And three days ago, he filed for divorce from his wife. When we asked "Why after 19 years of marriage?" He responded, "Because she's a nigger lover."