Quote: Chimes of Freedom @ February 1, 2008, 8:45 AM
This is basically funny. It's a funny idea, the visuals are funny and some of the lines are funny. It has potential both for self-improvement and also for a series of sketches based on nursery rhymes.
A few observations:
1. Why put your sketch and yourself down with the introduction "Here's a daft little sketch that was gathering dust on me hard drive"? If the sketch is good enough to post, post it. If it's not, don't. False modesty is very annoying.
2. The name of the pub should be "Curds and Whey" (not "Curd and Whey"), shouldn't it?
3. Seeing Humpty and Bo Peep together in the pub is a very funny visual and this starts your sketch with a comedy bang. The only problem is that viewers won't know if it's supposed to be the 'real' Humpty and Bo Peep or two real blokes dressed as nursery rhyme characters in a real pub. The problem's not unsolvable (insoluble?) but it needs solving before production.
4. Why do Humpty and Bo Peep address each other by name? Surely it's obvious who they are. The audience might feel you're insulting their intelligence.
5. Peep's line "Get that down your neck...oh sorry, you haven't got one have you? (BURSTS INTO ANNOYING BRAYING LAUGHTER)" is very funny.
6. Following the offer of the picked egg, Peep's line "You lost your kids to a pickle factory didn't you?" would be MUCH funnier as "Did your kids ever come back from that visit to the pickle factory"?
7. Peep's line "(IMITATING KIDS) Arghh Daddy! Help me! My head! He's eating my heeead! (LAUGHS AGAIN)" is very funny indeed but it sets a very high bench mark for the rest of the sketch.
8. The Puff and Doctor Foster jokes are weak compared to what's gone before and might be seen as loutish and homophobic.
9. You need at least two or three more funny exchanges before the sketch ends. Otherwise it's just too short and the excellent opening is wasted.
10. The out line "Polly put the kettle on" is good.
You have the makings of an excellent sketch here.
Chimes Of Freedom, thanks for the read and the indepth critique. In response to your points:
"Why put your sketch and yourself down with the introduction "Here's a daft little sketch that was gathering dust on me hard drive"? If the sketch is good enough to post, post it. If it's not, don't. False modesty is very annoying."
Well, I wasn't telling lies. It is indeed a quite old, and undeniably daft little sketch but one that I'm quite fond of, and that's why I posted it on here. There was no false modesty involved, in fact I have lots of much better sketches that I've written since then which I'm not really at liberty to post, because the BBC / C4 / Paramount Comedy and numerous Indies have already bought them.
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"The name of the pub should be "Curds and Whey" (not "Curd and Whey"), shouldn't it?"
Technically, yes. Comedically, I don't think so. "The Curd And Whey" is funnier because it alludes to other popular pub names like The Dog And Duck, The Pig And Whistle etc. I think it's an unwritten rule that pubs don't do plurals.
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"The only problem is that viewers won't know if it's supposed to be the 'real' Humpty and Bo Peep or two real blokes dressed as nursery rhyme characters in a real pub. The problem's not unsolvable (insoluble?) but it needs solving before production."
I imagined that naming the pub "The Curd And Whey" would solve that problem. Plus the fact their entire conversation is nursery-rhyme related should safely convince the audience that these are indeed the real Humpty and Peep. Although to labour the point I suppose it wouldn't harm to have a couple of other nursery rhyme characters knocking about in the background, although I worry that may detract from the main two characters.
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"Why do Humpty and Bo Peep address each other by name? Surely it's obvious who they are. The audience might feel you're insulting their intelligence."
I take your point, but I think they only address each other by name in the manner you would in reality. If my mate buys me a pint I'd probably say "Cheers John." I just re-read the sketch and on second thoughts it wouldn't hurt to lose the name-reference from this line:
HUMPTY:
You're such a tosser, Peep.
You're dead right that there would be someone in the audience sitting there huffing and puffing to himself about his intelligence being insulted etc, but then there's a lot of twats in the world and I'd secretly be pleased that I'd annoyed one.
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"Peep's line "Get that down your neck...oh sorry, you haven't got one have you? (BURSTS INTO ANNOYING BRAYING LAUGHTER)" is very funny."
Cheers!
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"Following the offer of the picked egg, Peep's line "You lost your kids to a pickle factory didn't you?" would be MUCH funnier as "Did your kids ever come back from that visit to the pickle factory"?"
Hmmm. Can't see that much difference really - they're both basically saying the same thing I think. Could be wrong though, and I'm willing to be persuaded otherwise. Anyone else agree / disagree?
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"Peep's line "(IMITATING KIDS) Arghh Daddy! Help me! My head! He's eating my heeead! (LAUGHS AGAIN)" is very funny indeed but it sets a very high bench mark for the rest of the sketch."
Yeah it does, but that would only be a problem if the rest of the sketch was shit. Which it isn't, I don't think.
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"The Puff and Doctor Foster jokes are weak compared to what's gone before and might be seen as loutish and homophobic."
I do agree that the Puff and Doctor gags aren't comedy gold, but they extend the nursery rhyme theme in an amusing way and that's good enough for me I think. Also, I think the only person who might detect loutish or homophobic undertones would be the same twat in the audience who thought I'd insulted his intelligence by having the characters call each other by name. And so again, glad to annoy him.
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"You need at least two or three more funny exchanges before the sketch ends. Otherwise it's just too short and the excellent opening is wasted."
Actually I would like to have a couple more gags in there but they'd only get chopped. The sketch is already over two minutes long and that's pushing it in today's tv. Gone are the days of the Two Ronnies when you could make one sketch last half the show. A legacy of the Fast Show I'm afraid.
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