Quote: James Williams @ January 31, 2008, 8:09 PM(in my head!)
Press the red button now to see into James' head.
FLAT - My latest attempt at a TV sitcom. Page 6
Clearly many people here are not on the same wavelength as me!
I tried pressing the red button but it turned out it was my left nipple, all along.
I got so carried away I forgot what I was supposed to press the red button for ... oh yes ... damn! This button doesn't work ... ooh ... er ... I may be some time. Right let's load up Google.
Quote: James Williams @ January 31, 2008, 9:22 PMClearly many people here are not on the same wavelength as me!
In what way?
Quote: Seefacts @ January 31, 2008, 9:31 PMIn what way?
In that they need to press the red button to know what the f**k I'm talking about!
Hello James, just read the first post(your scene). Sorry for being late with the crit.
I thought it was ok but could be improved with three things:
A)fewer characters - coming at it cold as it were I had no concept who the main character was. I presume it is dave? In which case the scene may of flowed better as a two hander between jim and dave.
B)I needed to care. For that I need empathy and possibly sympathy for the main character (plus a sense of jepordy(sp?) and tension.) obviously this would of been set up within the first two episodes so it may well be a moot point.
C)Jokes.
All these points may have been made before and if so I apologise.
On the plus side I liked some of the dialogue and the Jim character.
Best of luck with it. j.
OK. I posted a number of instalments though; I believe it gets better toward the end. I think I knew the opening needed a bit of work... more jokes... I do happen to rather like the ones that are there though, e.g. "burns victim".
Quote: James Williams @ January 31, 2008, 10:12 PMOK. I posted a number of instalments though; I believe it gets better toward the end. I think I knew the opening needed a bit of work... more jokes... I do happen to rather like the ones that are there though, e.g. "burns victim".
That's not THAT good a joke though - it's just an obvious simile.
Re-reading that first section - I definitely think the characters are too similar and too many, AND they're all talking in a room in a big wordy mess.
It's like one person talking to themselves.
^ Bingo ^
James,
Why have you actually posted this?
To get a crit and accept and/or adapt by whatever comments are passed or to keep on arguing your corner until someone comes on and agrees with you?
Aid and I know full well through experience that some of the things we have written that had us rolling on the floor have, after posting on here and/or elsewhere, been heavily criticised and even torn apart by fellow 'writers'. It took us a little while to realise that may be we were wrong and they were right, the constructive critiques especially.
I believe you're taking it too personally!
A question, why post the third episode? I may have missed it bit if not stick the first on and then let us judge that, and resist telling us how we should be reading it.
All the best.
Why do I feel this thread is going to go on to infinity without any kind of resolution.
Quote: SlagA @ January 31, 2008, 3:01 PMI agree, James, nothing wrong with a spirited defence. There with you all the way.
I disagree, Mr Slag. IMO there's something wrong with a spirited defence if you keep on and on and on (and on) doing it. Okay, maybe I don't have the same view of the crit forum as everyone, and each to their own, but basically the only reason James is getting more crit on this sitcom episode than Tuuuuumble has had on his is because James keeps biting back and justifying everything. The alternative way of doing things is to sit back, take the crit, interject occasionally - even bump, discreetly - but AT THE END take a considered view of the crit.
To be honest James, I think you are wasting some of your own time in defending stuff instantly - it's a long thread, but probably 80% of the words are yours and only 60% of that is your script.
BTW - I haven't read either yours or Tuuumble's in full, cos like others I find it quite daunting to follow long bits on a forum. But if you want to PM me a full episode I'd love to have a to-and-fro! As I've said, I like your stuff in general (and I'm also looking for feedback on my soon-to-be-finished episode!) 
I'm not being personal, I'm expressing my point of view. Some of the critique has been helpful, some... less so. I don't see why I have to accept everything everyone says. Some things I have accepted, some stuff I have rejected. Frankly, I believe anyone who thinks all the characters are the same are not reading carefully enough. Perhaps not reading it at all, in any meaningful sense of the word.
I rather think that it's the people whose opinions I do not agree with who are behaving aggressively.
I'm not "arguing a corner"; I have acknowledged that there are many weaknesses that can be shored up a bit. I also don't see anything wrong with encouraging people to read the whole thing rather than just the first scene. It's called discussion; I want to understand why these assertions are made, and really it's becoming quite irritating that I'm expected to agree wholeheartedly with every spit and comma anyone produces.
I posted episode three because I felt I was more into the swing of it by then; I believe it's common practise to show people a mid-series episode.
Quote: Badge @ January 31, 2008, 10:49 PMI disagree, Mr Slag. IMO there's something wrong with a spirited defence if you keep on and on and on (and on) doing it. Okay, maybe I don't have the same view of the crit forum as everyone, and each to their own, but basically the only reason James is getting more crit on this sitcom episode than Tuuuuumble has had on his is because James keeps biting back and justifying everything. The alternative way of doing things is to sit back, take the crit, interject occasionally - even bump, discreetly - but AT THE END take a considered view of the crit.
To be honest James, I think you are wasting some of your own time in defending stuff instantly - it's a long thread, but probably 80% of the words are yours and only 60% of that is your script.
BTW - I haven't read either yours or Tuuumble's in full, cos like others I find it quite daunting to follow long bits on a forum. But if you want to PM me a full episode I'd love to have a to-and-fro! As I've said, I like your stuff in general (and I'm also looking for feedback on my soon-to-be-finished episode!)
I think most of my posts seek to understand why an assertion has been made.
And a lot of the crit seems to be coming from people who have read only the first scene, understandably weren't incredibly impressed and find I rub them up the wrong way because I seek to further understand the thinking behind statements like "characters aren't different." It's a bit of a joke, really.
Quote: James Williams @ January 31, 2008, 10:59 PMI'm not being personal, I'm expressing my point of view. Some of the critique has been helpful, some... less so. I don't see why I have to accept everything everyone says. Some things I have accepted, some stuff I have rejected. Frankly, I believe anyone who thinks all the characters are the same are not reading carefully enough. Perhaps not reading it at all, in any meaningful sense of the word.
------------------------- It's the Bushbaby thing all over again! So what, we're all slack-jawed morons who don't understand English?
I've read the majority of it - I found it hard work and struggled to read on simply due to how lifeless I found the dialogue. I read it, I took it in so you can't suggest that no one did. We all read it. We all want to write and learn and compare.
I posted episode three because I felt I was more into the swing of it by then;
--------------------------- You maybe well have been in the swing of it, but it's hard to dip into something essentially mid-series. You've met these characters, spent time with them, made them do things - we haven't. I think you need to remember that.
I believe it's common practise to show people a mid-series episode.
---------------------------- Unlikely. The first episode has to introduce everything and set up the premise. It would be harder to see where something was going mid-series. The pilot has to set up a world of possibility, full of places to go and to give the reader - i.e. a producer - the belief that it had legs and longevity.
Relationships have to be set up and attitudes, beliefs etc spelled out.
Having read the episode I'm none the wiser to who the characters are.
Well, I shan't post any more, as my probing is not having an entirely positive effect!
I respect opinions shared here and am grateful for all the constructive criticism.