[SERGIO LEONE's office. Enter ELI WALLACH. Both are just British men, no effort should be made in terms of visual appearance or accent]
SERGIO: Ah, there you are, Eli Wallach, as I live and breathe! Come in, come in.
ELI: Thank you, Mr Leone.
SERGIO: Call me Sergio, please. Now, let's get down to the, err, gristle. I'm making a new film, and I'd very much like you to be in it. In fact you were the first person who came to mind for the role.
ELI: Well, that would be wonderful. I must confess I'm a bit of an admirer.
SERGIO: Fantastic. It's going to be the third in my "dollars" trilogy - are you familiar with the other two films?
ELI: Very much so, they're amongst my favourites. So, what's the new one called? I Could Do With Some Further Dollars? Would You Mind Just Holding These Dollars For A Minute?
SERGIO: It's called The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly.
ELI: Wow, no dollars at all; nice twist!
SERGIO: Thank you, I thought so. You see, it's about these three men. Now, one's good, one's bad and...and, there's a third one, and they're all looking for some gold.
ELI: Sounds brilliant. And you want me to be the good one, yeah? I reckon I'd pull that off.
SERGIO: No. Yes. Well, I'm sure you could, Eli, but there are two things to mention quickly: one is that, he's not entirely good, there's a sort of moral ambiguity thing going on, and secondly, we already have Clint Eastwood cast - sort of links the trilogy, you know.
ELI: Right, I got you. Can't have a dollars film without Clint. So, I'm going to be the bad, right? Quick sample: Grrrrrr.
SERGIO: Yes, well - gosh, that is powerful - but I'm afraid that role has gone to Lee van Cleefe already.
ELI: Oh, he is good.
SERGIO: Yes, we're quite happy with him. No, no, the, erm, the, the part I'd had in mind for you was the, erm, Ugly. I think you're perfect for it. I can't think of a better actor to play the part!
ELI: Right. I don't know what to...Well. I mean, thanks, but-
SERGIO: Yes, I thought of you immediately. I'd say you're staggeringly ugly.
ELI: I don't know about that
SERGIO: Oh, don't be modest, Eli. You're quite phenomenally unattractive. Just the other day my secretary was observing that you're quite the most deformed, disfigured thespian she could think of. And in the trade - I probably shouldn't tell you this - you're considered by directors to be the most grotesquely unaesthetic presence in motion pictures, and there's nobody else worth considering if you're looking for plain old ugliness. Do you see?
ELI: I...I do now, yes. Well, listen, Sergio, as I say I'm a big admirer, but I just don't think I want to be Ugly.
SERGIO: Well, there's not much you can do about -
ELI: No, no, I mean in the film. I'm sure it's a well written part, but I don't know if it would do my career any good to be plastered all over town as The Ugly.
SERGIO: OK, OK, I hear you, Eli. Can't be easy to be known as The Ugly, I understand. Tell, you what : if you play The Ugly in this film, I'll cast you as the starring role of my next picture.
ELI: Really? Well, that clinches it, then. Sergio, I'm in!
SERGIO: Excellent, you won't regret it. Filming starts next week.
ELI: Wonderful. Thank you. Before we go, what's the name of the next film?
SERGIO: It's called Look At That Twat!
[Cut to film credits, "Look At That Twat". Fade to "A film by Sergio Leone, starring Eli Wallach". Fade to picture of ELI looking uncomfortable and sad, in an ill fitting clown outfit. Sounds of jeering around him, occasionally a pointing finger enters the frame, and at one point somebody knocks his hat off. Cries such as "Look at that twat", "Hey, what a twat", "Jesus, isn't he ugly!", and so on. ELI sighs deeply.]
