Another dusty old sketch I wrote a few years ago. It was actually picked up by a BBC sketch show but it never got made in the end. Stll got paid though, so hah!
1. INT. DOCTOR’S SURGERY. DAY.
AN EMBARRASSED-LOOKING BLOKE IS ON AN EXAMINATION TABLE ON ALL FOURS, WITH HIS ARSE STICKING UP IN THE AIR. HE’S WEARING A HOSPITAL-STYLE OPEN-BACKED SMOCK.
NURSE:
Doctor Farnham will be with you shortly, Mr Watts. Just try to relax.
BLOKE:
Right... is all this really necessary? I only came in for a flu jab.
NURSE:
Doctor knows best, Mr Watts.
DOCTOR FARNHAM ENTERS. HE’S WEARING A TWEED SUIT, HOMBURG HAT, AND BIG GREEN MUDDY WELLIES.
NURSE:
Morning Dr Farnham.
DOCTOR:
(VERY CHEERFULLY) Morning Nurse Tilly, Ah, I see you have the
patient prepped and ready, excellent work. Handsome specimen isn’t
he?
HE SLAPS THE BLOKE’S RUMP...REALLY HARD.
BLOKE:
Ow! Bloody Hell!
DOCTOR:
Whoah there old boy!
WITH ONE HAND THE DOCTOR GRASPS THE BLOKE’S TIE AS IF IT’S A HORSE’S REIN, AND WITH THE OTHER HE STROKES THE MAN’S FACE.
DOCTOR:
TO NURSE)
Feisty one, isn’t he? Probably from racing stock I shouldn’t wonder. (HE PULLS THE BLOKE’S LIPS APART AND QUICKLY CHECKS HIS TEETH.) Don’t you worry now old chap, I’ve done more of these procedures than you've had buckets of oats.
BLOKE:
What procedures? Look, I just want a flu jab that’s all.
THE DOCTOR IGNORES HIM. HE TAKES OFF HIS JACKET AND ROLLS UP HIS SLEEVE AS HE TALKS TO THE NURSE.
DOCTOR:
Did err...did old Mrs Eckerslike come in for her medication?
NURSE:
Yes Doctor. I gave her two weeks worth of Bob Martins worming tablets
like you said.
THE BLOKE REACTS.
THE DOCTOR COVERS HIS ARM IN LUBRICATION RIGHT UP TO PAST HIS ELBOW.
DOCTOR:
Excellent, excellent. She might be on her last legs but she’s a nice enough old bitch. Right then, best hold him firm Nurse. This can be quite a shock at first.
THE NURSE PUTS THE GUY IN A HEADLOCK.
BLOKE:
No, please, wait!
DOCTOR:
In we go then, let the dog see the rabbit...
CLOSE-UP ON BLOKE’S FACE. WE HEAR A HORRID ‘SCHLOOP’ SOUND, AND THE BLOKE’S EYES GO CROSSED AND HE WHINNEYS LIKE A HORSE. (THIS SHOULD BE A REAL HORSE WHINNEY, OVERDUBBED)
NURSE:
Good boy, good boy. Sugarlump?
SHE OFFERS HIM A SUGARLUMP ON HER PALM. HE SNORTS AND EATS IT.
END OF SKETCH.
