A bit of 'Bacon On'

THE ENTIRE SET IS ONE LARGE ROOM. IT HAS A COUNTER AT ONE END WHICH LEADS TO AN OPEN KITCHEN AREA. THE DECOR AND FITTINGS ARE LOW END 1970'S STYLE. IT IS A TYPICAL GREASY SPOON
THERE ARE TWO MEN STANDING EITHER SIDE OF A CAFE COUNTER. THE CAFE IS A DUMP ITS FIXTURES AND FITTINGS ARE ALL FROM THE SEVENTIES.
THE CUSTOMER HAS RETURNED A HALF EATEN VERY DODGY LOOKING BREAKFAST.
THE OWNER BEHIND THE COUNTER IS SPITTING INTO CUPS AS HE WIPES THEM AND IS DRESSED IN A 'LITTLE CHEF APRON' HE NOTICES THE CUSTOMER.

CUSTOMER

"Excuse me, I couldn't finish that!"

DOUG

"I'll have to lower the portions"

CUSTOMER

"I mean it was inedible!"

DOUG

"Well you've certainly cheered me up, I never normally get compliments"

CUSTOMER

"I'm not surprised!"

DOUG

"To be perfectly honest neither am I"

CUSTOMER
Anger rising

"Well I don't want it and I'm not paying for it!"

DOUG

"What the hell am I supposed to do with it?"

CUSTOMER
"Whatever you do don't f**king eat it!"

THE CUSTOMER STORMS OUT. A YOUNG MAN HAS BEEN WATCHING THE EXCHANGE. HE NERVOUSLY APPROACHES THE COUNTER AND SPEAKS IN A TIMID VOICE

EVAN

"Excuse me are you the proprietor?"

DOUG

"I've been called worse"

EVAN

"My names Evan I'm a student at the university"

DOUG

Gives directions with his hands

"Oh your miles out your way, you need to go out of here and turn left at the Trumpet shop and then it's a good ten minute walk up to the bus station.

Looks at his watch

"If you're lucky you can catch the number 6 and if you're not you'll have to get the 7. If that's the case try to sit near the driver"

A WOMAN THEN COMES TO THE COUNTER AND TAKES HER TIME SURVEYING THE MENU BOARD AS DOUG WAITS IMPATIENTLY FOR HER TO PLACE AN ORDER.

WOMAN
"Excuse me are your eggs free range?"

DOUG

"They certainly are I get them off a rambler"

WOMAN
"What about your tomatoes are they GM free?"

DOUG
"The only thing that's been modified in here is the cat and its still carrying on shocking!"

WOMAN
"What about the bacon is that......"

DOUG

"This is a cafe love not Country File, do you want a full English or not?"

THE WOMAN STORMS OUT

DOUG THEN NOTICES THAT EVAN IS STILL STANDING THERE

DOUG
"I thought you'd gone to school!"

EVAN

"Sorry you have the wrong end of the stick I've come in about the help wanted sign in your window"

DOUG

"Sorry about that son, we get that many lost people coming in here I'm surprised the Sally Army hasn't put a soldier on guard outside"

EVAN

"Is the position still open?"

DOUG
Looks him up and down

"Have you got any experience?

EVAN

"No but I'm really keen and I learn fast"

DOUG

"Well I can't fault your attitude"

EVAN

"My accommodation is only across the street and I'm a great time keeper and extremely reliable honestly"

DOUG

"That's what the last one said, I haven't seen him since"

EVAN

"I really need a job; my grant barely covers my rent and my parents are not in a position to help me financially"

DOUG
"You don't have to tell me about being skint son! If my ex wife and her toy boy get their way I'll be out of here on my ear. As it is I'm only hanging on by the skin of my teeth, so the minute I brush them it's all over!"

EVAN

"I won't let you down I promise, I really am a hard worker"

DOUG

"I'll give you a week's trial and we can take it from there"

EVAN

"That's brilliant; I hope you don't mind me asking what the wages are."

DOUG
Feigns a puzzled look

"They're what you get at the end of the week!"

EVAN

"Sorry I mean what's the hourly rate?"

DOUG
Suspicious

"You're not a Serbo Croat are you?"

EVAN

"No I'm from Cardiff".

DOUG

"Well that doesn't make you a bad person"

EVAN

"Why did you ask if I was a Serbo Croat?"

DOUG

"I had to let one go last week, that's why the signs up"

EVAN

"Wasn't he up to the job?"

DOUG

"No he was a cracking worker".

EVAN

"What was the problem then?"

DOUG
"No one could understand a word he said! The punters started saying that he sounded like Count Dracula. Then he developed the habit of picking his teeth with his dirty finger nails. Once the punters started calling him the 'Dirty Count' I had to chase him"

EVAN
"What you sacked him for having poor English?!"

DOUG
"Did I hell we cater for anyone in here including scousers"

EVAN
"Then why did you sack him?"

DOUG
"He was over charging the customers"

EVAN
"Perhaps he didn't understand our currency"

DOUG
"He understood it alright! He was on first names terms with the manger of the local Bureau de change. When he said he was sending money home I didn't think he meant my money! The till was down that much I couldn't even afford to eat here myself"

EVAN
"Well you don't have to worry about me I'm as honest as they come"

DOUG
"Let's not go nuts eh? When times get this hard you might find that you have to depend more on your wits than your morals"

EVAN
"I know what you mean, last week I had to buy a kids train ticket to get home to Cardiff to see my Parents"

DOUG
"Don't worry about it, I lie about my age all the time; the tax man thinks I'm 11"

THE BACK DOOR TO THE CAFE OPENS WITH A KICK AS A MAN WALKS IN CARRYING A TRAY OF BREAD

Breadman
Chirpy type

"Morning Ladies"

DOUG
looks at his watch
"Never mind morning it's half nine! I ran out of thick slice twenty minutes ago"

BREADMAN
"I left an extra two on the front step at five o'clock this morning‟

DOUG
"Well they must have been robbed again! I'm sick of it, last week I lost three large semi skimmed milks and four dozen eggs off that step! I even saw the little bleeder riding off on a motor bike."

BREADMAN
"Are you sure it was on a motor bike, it sounds more like a scrambler"

DOUG
"Oh very droll, anyway I hope he gets salmonella"

BREADMAN

"Eh Doug you know that Dirty Count who worked here? Well he's working on that big building site over on Water Street now."

DOUG
"With the amount money he robbed from here he's probably the developer!"

BREADMAN
"No he's on security; I see him every morning walk round the site shouting Vault! vo dos dere to anyone who who walks past‟

DOUG
"I didn't know he was Australian?"

BREADMAN
"He said that he's getting a big dog to patrol with this Friday".

DOUG
"Sounds about right, that filthy sod Carol from the Post Office must be coming back off her holidays"

BREADMAN
"How come you hate Carol so much?"

DOUG
"She wants to mind her business that's why; she only met the Dirty Count after she came round here accusing me of paying my rates in dud twenties. I told her I had no idea they were duds I could have got them off anyone.

BREADMAN
"What did she say?"

DOUG
"The cheeky cow said she has seen me biting pound coins so there's no way I would have taken a dud twenty. She was all for calling the police until the Dirty Count started making eyes at her; I had to give him a forty pound sub and the afternoon off to take her the pictures."

BREADMAN
"Back row of the movies job eh"

DOUG
"Actually they were right in the middle until the manager spotted them with his torch and threw them out"

BREADMAN
"No wonder they call him a Dirty Count!"

DOUG
"No give him his due he's quite old fashioned, they were only holding hands"

EVAN
"They got threw out for holding hands!"

DOUG
"No the Manager spotted the dud twenty they paid for tickets with"

BREADMAN
"Apparently they're engaged now. I heard he's learning English from her and that they've got a flat together above your ex wife's Deli Diner"

DOUG
"Deli my arse! It was massage parlour when we bought it. I nearly killed myself viewing it, the stair rail was covered in Baby Oil. The first two weeks it was open there was twenty four arrests for indecency alone and they still daren't leave the sausage rolls out on the counter even now.

BREADMAN
"It's doing well though Doug, the toy boy upped their bread order yesterday."

DOUG
"I suppose he's still not pulling his weight"

EVAN
"Toy boy; is he much younger than your ex wife Doug?"

DOUG
"Is he hell, he's forty nine and she'll be 50 this Halloween"

EVAN
"Why do you call him a Toy Boy then?"

DOUG
"He's got plastic elbows; he lost the real ones trying to stop a pallet of spuds sliding off the delivery ramp! You want to see him in a T shirt he looks like an Action Man doll."

EVAN
"Is he badly handicapped then?"

DOUG
"Is he hell, he just won't go near the grill, he claims he's worried in case his elbows melt. If you ask me he's taking the piss"

BREADMAN
Starts to leave

"Anyway I can't stand here talking all day I've got three dozen ham baps in the van to drop off at the Kings Head for Eddy Walsh's funeral"

DOUG
Shocked

"I didn't even know he was dead"

BREADMAN

"He's not, his wife's throwing the wake so it looks kosha he's up in his mothers loft till the insurance cheque clears."

DOUG
"Well if you do see him, tell him he still owes me ten quid for that meat pack I sold him

BREADMAN

"I doubt he'll pay you for that, he's claiming that's what killed him!

DOUG
Begins to launch a tirade

"The cheeky bast.....

This is SO much better.
A great start - within seconds I've got a picture of the cafe owner - the kind of guy he is.
Some really funny exchanges - nice fast paced stuff.
As it progresses I think you need to be careful of simply 'reporting' funny things that happened in the past. Show some happening in the here and now.
Some of the exchanges probably go on a line or to more than they need to, and I think you need to have indicated where the plot is going by now.
But the sense of place is excellent - it 'feels' funny, if you know what I mean.
Be careful of drifting - make sure you have a tight plot and you know where it's going and how to get there.
Nice.

I know what you mean in respect of more action but it does happen as some very dodgy people keep coming in and out all the time.
In relation to the plot and direction I really have that nailed down and it becomes apparent in this first episode.
Thanks for the feedback it helps me when I start doubting myself.

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ October 4 2012, 11:03 AM BST

In relation to the plot and direction I really have that nailed down and it becomes apparent in this first episode.

View original

That's good.
Just make sure we start getting an inkling by the end of the second page....

I really like this. In this short passage I've got a really good idea of the main protagonists and good sense of place. Nice lines, but maybe slow the pace a little to give the characters room to breath. But I would watch this and enjoy it.
There is a lot you could do with this, maybe a posh serbo croat bistro opening next door and a lot of posh types adopting the cafe as a retro oddity.

Lazzard I did the amendments you suggested and threw in a sketch whilst I was at it.
If you get the time to re read it could you let me know if it scans better and if the plot is visible?

Thanks Pingl, the Dirty Count features heavily in every episode as they need him to get the building material cheap of the site to re invent the cafe and he later goes on to spy on Dougs ex and the Toy Boy.

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ October 4 2012, 3:31 PM BST

Thanks Pingl, the Dirty Count features heavily in every episode as they need him to get the building material cheap of the site to re invent the cafe and he later goes on to spy on Dougs ex and the Toy Boy.

View original

I look forward to hearing more of this.

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ October 4 2012, 2:20 PM BST

Lazzard I did the amendments you suggested and threw in a sketch whilst I was at it.
If you get the time to re read it could you let me know if it scans better and if the plot is visible?

View original

I'll get onto it tomorrow - up to me ears at the moment.

sound

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ October 4 2012, 3:31 PM BST

Thanks Pingl, the Dirty Count features heavily in every episode as they need him to get the building material cheap of the site to re invent the cafe and he later goes on to spy on Dougs ex and the Toy Boy.

View original

Spoiler alert!

Like what I've read, Teddy.

Seems to be a slight characterisation confusion with Doug as he at first seems like yer typical greasy spoon owner but as the piece goes on he appears to evolve.
Hope you see what I mean. Maybe it's me.

But it is really good and has so much potential.

Seems to be a slight characterisation confusion with Doug as he at first seems like yer typical greasy spoon owner but as the piece goes on he appears to evolve.
Hope you see what I mean. Maybe it's me.

To be honest I thought the opposite: he gets a lot of cracking one liners in and it's clear from the start he's a Del-Boy-ish lovable rogue but it's not yet clear what he's trying to achieve over the course of the rest of the episode.

"Staying solvent" or "getting one up on the Count" would seem to be logical ways for him to develop cunning plans or be massively outwitted though

Thank you for the feedback folks, it really helps, I sometimes doubt myself so its nice to get outside feedback especially when its positive.

The plot is simple it's a bit like Scooby Doo meets the Marx Brothers, loads of pesky kids and Groucho

Dougs ex wife owns the building and Doug owns the business that it's in.
If he fails she can sell, on her side she has a no brand German supermarket chain who want the site and a police inspector and local council official who want Doug out as well.

On Doug's side is Evan and his friends from uni who along with a hip tutor get permission to treat the cafe as a project and as long as Doug supplies the materials they can transform the cafe into a Super Diner.

Doug also utilises his very dodgy contacts including the Dirty Count and a whole host of people who can supply what he needs as long as no one asks questions.

The only question that remains is who will win?