Live from KI 2 - one liner submissions Page 3

Just a couple from me this week:

Wow what an exciting week that has been! Full of ups and downs, murder and mayhem, tears and tantrums, but enough with the lib dem conference, on with the show:

After the storm of success of Nick Cleggs new single 'I'm Sorry', Dave Cameron and George Osborne have decided to form there own boy band called; No direction.

According to the guardian it is wrong to listen to a fat bloke in a weird outfit, singing in some language I can't understand, there goes my Boy George LP's then.

Couple more from me:

Apple corrected reports this week after saying the iPhone 5 contained a blistering, A6 Chip referred to it's inner technology and not a missing section of their broken Map App between Luton & Carlisle.

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Justin Lee Collins defended evidence given in court by his ex saying he had always vehemently encouraged her to go on a tour with him ahead of his intoxicated, ex-partner Alan. Pushing her on the road before a speeding Carr therefore, was never really an issue.

Tired today! Did one about the teacher for NJ but loved the others here.

"Kanye West's a fan of Dead Ringers. Personally, I prefer Alistair McGowan."

"It's a shame Abu Hamza's being deported... I really thought they'd let him off the hook!"

AMERICAN:
"My mother used to say to me - 'never trust a man with an enlarged prostate'... which is why I'm voting for Obama."

ELDERLY PERSON:
"All this fuss about John Terry's hearing! No one gave a toss when I went deaf!"

"People should lay off Andrew Mitchell... I mean, some of his best friends are oiks!"

"England absolutely battered Afghanistan... oh, and we also beat them in the cricket!"

"Most men now expect women to go Dutch. Good - I love a fake tan!"

"Paris Hilton's got a new film out - 'How to Lose Friends and Alienate Gay People!'"

"A referendum promise written in blood? Health 'n' safety'd never allow it!"

Justin Lee Collins recorded his girlfriend's sexual history on a Pukka Pad thinking that that was what the pad was for as the first P was misprinted...
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The Litvinenko Inquest could be the shortest in history as, oddly, they don't want as many tea breaks as usual
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John Terry said that in hindsight he shouldn't have used abbreviations when asking whether fellow players go home to a wife or girlfriend.
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The maths teacher who's disappeared with a schoolgirl should be stopped from teaching fractions as he obviously doesn't know that 30 over 15 is both vulgar and improper.
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(Scottish accent) That poor woman in Aberdeen - nobody expects a snake in a cutlery drawer. That's nearly as shocking as when I opened the fridge and found some celery.
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Ignobel award winners have discovered that leaning to the left makes the Eiffel Tower look less impressive - an effect they've called 'milibanding'.
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So the Chief Whip may have called policemen 'plebs'? How wonderfully archaic - I didn't think anyone used party whips anymore.
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Abu Hamza's still fighting extradition even after losing at the European Court of Human Rights. Despite setbacks he's still not ready to throw in his hand.
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It's fine Facebook suspending 'photo tag', but they should tell us which photo ended up stuck as 'it'. #You'reIt
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(Welsh accent) I'm not worried about the head of Ofsted saying teachers should work harder for pay rises as us Welsh ones can just be regraded.
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Apple were expected to hold a press conference defending their new iPhone mapping software, but for some reason the spokesman never made it to the meeting.
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The LibDem conference saw an underwhelming turnout, despite publishing the conference as an open party on Facebook #Project X Brighton
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A 2,000-person brawl at the factory making iPhones started at lunchtime when manager Sam Sung ordered one worker to stop eating a blackberry or they'd "Nokia block off". Reports that Mr Sung's a virgin, who was enjoying an orange whilst breathing O2 are still to be confirmed.
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Since I didn't get an email for Newsjack, here is what I submitted:

After all that meteor hubbub died down, I was disappointed to find out it wasn't really Santa on a dry run. Still, eighty nine more sleeps!

I'm glad that John Terry has retired from the international scene. Now he can focus on racism at a grass roots level.

Now that The Saturday Girls are inking new deals with labels in America, does this mean they no longer have to enroll in a Qualifying Workplace Pension scheme?

The company behind many smart phone components, Foxconn, recently shut down a plant due to a fight breaking out. For that to happen, it must have been Siri-ous.

Iran's restricted access to the Google search engine, and Gmail. It's unknown if Google+ has been affected, as Ahmadinejad still refuses to add me to his circle.

I'm interested to hear that whisky leftovers will be used to fuel cars. Let's see how self-righteous my SatNav is after she's had a few.

Nick Clegg has promised to give one hundred million pounds to Child Care causes. I think he's a bit optimistic about how many copies that auto-tuned apology song will sell.

Cancer Research UK has said that cancer deaths are due a dramatic fall. I hope they've already arranged their alibi for the night in question.

I think the best way to treat the Coronavirus is with a wedge of lime.

The Mars Rover is exploring rock close up, but has yet to find an explanation for the popularity of Coldplay.

Over 250 new IPhones have been stolen from an O2 store in London. The police have said the thief could be anywhere by now, especially if he used the Maps app.

Nick Clegg has now formally apologised for breaking their party's pledge to oppose increasing student tuition fees. He also gave a glimpse at some possible policies for the next Lib Dem manifesto, including the new Speedboat for Every Family proposal and his No More Wet Summers policy.

The Mascot for the 2014 Commonwealth Games in Glasgow will be Clyde, a giant thistle. Rejected ideas include Spiky, a seven foot high hypodermic needle, and a giant deep-fried chocolate bar known as Myo, or to use its full name, Myocardial Infarction.

Apple has admitted there are some problems with the iPhone's Maps app, which causes whole towns to move or sometimes disappear altogether. The new phone is said to be very popular with people who live near Hull.

Nick Clegg has insisted the coalition will not make further spending cuts "on the backs of the poor". Their backs are safe, but he hasn't yet ruled out forcing them to sell a kidney.

A remixed version of Nick Clegg's apology for breaking his party's pre-election pledge has reached no 143 in the pop charts. Not to be outdone, Ed Milliband is to try and better this result with his cover of Milkshake by Kelis.

A new restaurant staffed by prisoners is opening in Cardiff, giving inmates the chance to swap the stress, monotony and barely controlled violence of prison life for the stress, monotony and barely controlled violence of a restaurant kitchen.

JJB Sports was this week preparing to go into administration by removing all its jewellery and donning a pair of aertex knickers.

The chief of Ofsted has angered teachers by saying they must work harder if they want to get a gold star and a smiley face.

New Radio 1 Breakfast Show host Nick Grimshaw has admits he struggles with early mornings, although not as much as we all did when Chris Moyles was on.

A think tank says millions of pounds could be saved if the UK's electronic tagging was done by police or probation officers instead of private firms. The suggestion has been countered by Primark, who say they could do it for £3.50, although the tags would probably leave holes when removed.

Model maker Hornby has announced disappointing sales of its Olympic range, although given that the firm's owners are at the same scale as its products, they still consider their profits to be massive.

"I've never liked the Tory Chief Whip. I much prefer his brother Walnut."

"There's only one Grimmy! The eldest of the Brothers Grimm, obviously."

"I think it's right that the chief of Ofsted wants teachers to work harder. My son's maths teacher gets her pupils to do all her sums for her."

NB: One of the first two has apparently been bagged by NJ this week, but I don't know which one yet, sorry:

I'm worried about the growing tensions between Iran and Israel. The tragedy is that if they do go to war, one side might win! #mutualassureddestructioncanwork

Frank Gardner was a little indiscreet about the Queen's Abu Hamza comments, but at least he didn't reveal what she said about Gypsies #Royalscantreply

Keith Wood must be gutted that his ex-wife is selling his antiques. I bet he bought most of them new.

Mr Cable, a word in your Shell-like ear: Isn't that taking sponsorship a bit too far?

I see the US are easing up their import restrictions on Burma. Say you what you like about the Burmese - they know how to build a railway!

I heard they're replacing those revealing scanners at Manchester Airport with ones that show a cartoon image - so I'm having the wife done as Jessica Rabbit.

After his viral hit 'Sorry', Dick Legg is working on his follow up single, Britney Spears classic, 'Oop's I done it again'

'Witley Pantomime Society' are looking for a new actor to play Peter Pan's nemesis in their upcoming Christmas production, after the previous actor had to withdraw.

"We've already done the poster, so we're looking for an angry Asian guy with a beard" said a spokeswoman.

Spain protecting pensions but making cuts everywhere else isn't going down well. Lot's of Spaniards think it's just taking tapas.

More bits from Aj & I

It didn't surprise me when a soldier gave birth in Afghanistan. They've got to do something at night, what with the telly ban.

I think the Queen was right to speak out against that hate-filled benefits-scrounger. If I was her I'd divorce him.

A Pakistani minister has placed a £60,000 bounty on the head of that racist troublemaker. No wonder John Terry has retired from internationals.

Cameron's being unfairly treated about his test answers on Letterman; I think he does a brilliant job mocking citizens

Nick Clegg's u-turn apology has led to a hit record. He could end up with more number 1's than The Beatles

When I heard a boat race protester had appeared in court I thought they'd arrested a Cockney plastic surgeon

A music-mad Tory MP has said that the unemployed should busk to raise cash. He appreciates the work of all groups, apart from The Police.

The Lib Dems are introducing a "business bank" with a billion pound kitty. Nick Clegg raised the cash by putting 50p in a jar every time he told a lie.

I saw a lovely picture of Robbie Williams with his little one. I've always liked Mark Owen.

John Terry has quit the England team saying his position's 'untenable'. I'm shocked, John Terry knows the word 'untenable'!

John Terry has retired from International football; he claimed his position was untenable, which makes a change from his usual position of under his team-mate's wife.

I'm not saying John Terry is unpopular, but in a match against celebrities, he couldn't get a shake from Michael J Fox.

The Hornby toy company will be making little profit this year. They'll also be making little trains, little trees, and little hedges.

Ofsted chief Sir Michael Wilshaw has said that teachers need to go that extra mile in order to get a pay rise meaning it's not so much goodbye Mr Chips, as get back here Mr Chips you've got an afterschool club to supervise.

Rumours are rife around Westminster that the only reason the PM hasn't sacked Andrew Mitchell is because his swear jar is a cornerstone of the governments fiscal policy.

Andrew Mitchell has obviously been using the new iPhone maps. He tried to look for common human decency street but instead got directed to arsehole avenue.

Despite their recent financial troubles JJB sports have found a saviour. The man made fibres worn by the staff generate so much electricity as they walk around, they've been bought out by Npower.

If she still fails her maths exam then they definetely have to look at there teaching methods

teaching standards are way better now than since my day, my maths teacher never bothered to teach me geography, or biology.

To me finding a girl is like waiting for a bus, my last two were big, red and stank of piss. Not to mention I had to give them £1.40 before getting a ride but pensioners got on for free.

Hello is your mom or dad in.
NO! who's asking
Mr Saville

Birmingham city have just signed leroy lita surely that gaurantee's an extra 1.759753986 league pints.

At work we used to stand in a row to get hit in the face.

That was the punchline!

On the subject I got knocked out by my vacuum the other day. It's a valuable lesson not to f**k with iron mike dyson.

Just read about justin lee collins. I am shocked who'd of thought he could get less funny.

Question 4
What is 15 + 15
A. 225
B. 30
C Peado
(2 possible answers)