I will try and look at some of your work, Tuumble. The long pieces really do put me off though and I can only read a bit of it like I have done with this. Reading page after page of scripts on paper I'm fine with, but not on screen.
I look at the beginning of the scene as an outsider and I've put an asterix where I think it's going wrong for me. You have the normal dialogue that propels the thing forward but it's these little comments that I don't feel are adding to it or could certainly be improved upon. I just get the feel of what I'm in for when I read these bits of dialogue I've asterixed.
SCENE 1. LIVING ROOM. INT. DAY. (MONDAY)
MATT IS ASLEEP ON THE SOFA. DAVE IS DRESSED, SITTING ON THE ARMCHAIR. ABI IS DRESSED FOR WORK, AND WALKS IN FROM THE KITCHEN WITH A PINT GLASS HALF FILLED WITH COFFEE.
WE HEAR SIRENS. NO RESPONSE FROM ANYONE. JIM ENTERS, DRESSED FOR WORK.
JIM:
*Sirens?* Going to work Abi?
ABI:
Yes. *Ha bloody ha, Jim*.
DAVE:
At least you’ve both got jobs to go to.
MATT:
Oh, will you lot pipe down? I’m trying to get some sleep here.
JIM:
You’re always asleep. *I slept like a log. No sex noises – have you two had a fight?*
MATT:
I don’t want to talk about it Jim.
ABI:
(DRAINING DRINK) Ok guys; Matt. I’m off. Laters. (EXITS)
DAVE:
She seemed a little, er, cagey this morning. *She put twice as much Pro Plus in her coffee.*
JIM:
*She can put barbiturates in her coffee for all I care.*