My bunch of rejected nonsense:
JackApp
With this awful change in weather I wondered if you'd sign this petition against the rain-clouds visible from my back yard. I'm a cumulo-nimby.
Those 2000 workers didn't mean to start fighting at the iPhone factory in Northern China, but it's where the iPhone's new satnav app told them the Croydon Wetherspoons' car-park was.
No wonder the Queen wants rid of Abu Hamza, there's only room for one racist, offensive foreigner in this country and she's married to him.
I don't think that newly-formed companies need a relaxation of visa restrictions to help them grow - just start accepting Mastercard and PayPal instead.
This new type of undulating, slow-moving cloud visible in Scotland - is it the nimbus replacement service?
I'm saddened and disappointed by the news that X-Factor judge Tulisa Contostavlos lost her virginity at 14 - I live at number 12. Interestingly both the house and that joke were previously owned by Bernard Manning.
When I read the headline "Hornby in profit warning" I didn't know which possibility upset me more: the model train company being in financial trouble or the writer of Fever Pitch predicting even more civil unrest over the recent film about Muhammad.
Hello, is that you Justin? It's Mum. I know you said not to call you at work but when are you coming home? Your dinner's been ready for 20 years. Appropriately, given your show, it's waffles.
Has anyone seen my wife? I haven't seen her since she attended John Terry's press conference.
Opinions...
...are like Bruce Forsyth's toupee and photos of naked royals... they're extremely common but just prove that most people have very little up top.
And finally, that was NewsJack from September 2012...
... when Nick Clegg pledged £100m for the provision of childcare, although it didn't work as just two weeks later David Cameron left him behind in a pub.
... when a Scottish distillery started using whisky leftovers to fuel cars, proving that the Scots just can't stop drink-driving.
... when Damian Lewis won an Emmy for his role in US drama Homeland, proving to David Cameron and Boris Johnson that even a ginger Old Etonian can be popular so long as he doesn't put up tuition fees.
... when John Terry retired from international football, then celebrated by going down in the box, changing ends, sliding in a tackle from behind and scoring several times, after which he stopped playing football and had sex with someone else's ex-girlfriend.