Hello all, we wanted to run a short window for KI One-liner submissions (in addition to the sketches) and this is the thread to append your topical one-liners to. I haven't written mine yet but will edit one in when I have!
Deadline will probably be 6pm this Thursday (27th).
Don't forget we have Kwitter feed as well as the usual voxpops to offer a hashtag option. And can we not have too many knob jokes thank you. Don't forget this goes out on local radio.
Thanks, Alison
Quote: LippyAlison @ September 24 2012, 6:29 PM BSTAnd can we not have too many knob jokes thank you.
Do you mean you wants lots of knob jokes, or do you mean you only want a few knob jokes?
And what if I can't think of a knob joke?
Will a bum joke or a fanny joke do instead?
IN VOICE OF OLD LADY
OLD LADY
"i like to see the uk government like a door,every now and then you need to replace the knob."
i got a conservative campaign leaflet through the door saying that Britain has become a throw away society, so I threw it away.
Woman -
"I myself am a charted psychiatrist, and as soon as I saw the Andrew Mitchel story I thought yup; cycle path, illogical lier"
Farmer -
"So, the badger cull. TB or not TB? Well 'as TB innit?!"
Scottish Man -
"As a straight, married Christian man I fully support gay marriage. I mean why should all the gays have all the fun?"
Nerd -
"I was one of the thousands that waited in line for hours to get an iPhone5 and I resent being portrayed as a nerd. I'm not a nerd. Anyone who says I'm obsessed with modern technology can kiss my Apps."
Sexy Woman -
"very interested to hear that castrated men live much longer than those who keep their testicles, very interested indeed...." #gettheballsrolling
My fave quote on Mitt Romney came from Berlusconi. 'An incompetent half-witted clown with no understanding of the complexities of political thinking.' Can't remember the quote.
One day people shall look at Prince William and say 'He's the prime representative of a country.' Now they say it without the final syllable... Mind you, Harry's a bit of a contender. You can knock both final syllables off that one.
NHS cuts again. Shame as I suffer from premature ejaculation and diarrhea. Easy come easy go, that's me... Don't laugh, I don't know if I'm coming or going. Like I said...
Kate Middleton topless with William AGAIN. Three in one picture.
They're bringing back Desert Island Discs. Imagine you're on a desert island - no hope, no future, no food... You think 'God I miss Justin Bieber.'
It's the fiftieth anniversary of James Bond. The only bond that's made a profit.
Prince Harry's the typical English person: goes out, shy at first but has a bit to drink then he's irritating.
We asked Liam Gallagher 'Remember the first time you were drunk?' He said, 'No, I was drunk.'
If you must have sex with a gypsy, use protection. A gas mask.
Hooligans burnt my house down. Arson fire. And the rest of me.
David Cameron demanded a re-shuffle due to finding out nick clegg cheated at poker.
one-liners? how long can the line be?
floods
after a months rain fell in 24hours this week leaving some parts of the country flooded, the government responded by sending in an army of long term unemployed.
a spokesman said "we have run out of sandbags but hopefully these giant spongers will be just as effective".
outrage this week as sheffield university bans a 'pimps and ho's' pub crawl.
one student said "how the hell are we meant to pay tuition fees now?"
answer phone message.
mum,mum, why have you phoned the police? you knew I was going on a biology field trip to France with Mr Forrest.
although we never made it to a field in the end.
anyway, what kind of fags did you say I had to get from duty free?
Too late for my Newsjack submission (and probably not radio appropriate) but here's one:
A snake found in a kitchen drawer was named Spooner after the resident was heard to exclaim "Foly Huck."
F/X NEWS FLASH "the downing street cat is dead" F/X END OF NEWS FLASH
"Salman Rushdie's right - The Satanic Verses wouldn't be printed in this day and age... we'd download it for our Kindles instead."
"Boris Johnson is now Britain's most respected politician. Who knew that the Olympics would leave behind such a chilling legacy?"
"American presidents share the same personality traits as psychopaths... according to the University of Common Sense."
"Squatters have re-opened Barnet library... presumably to make use of its toilet facilities."
"The Naked Rambler should join Kwitter. It'd help him condense his rants."
The Queen's had an apology after the BBC told the world of her Abu Hamza anger. I don't see what the big deal is, she has to 'ang her clothes up somewhere.
[quote name="andy hardaker" post="916615" date="September 25 2012, 11:40 AM BST"]
floods
after a months rain fell in 24hours this week leaving some parts of the country flooded, the government responded by sending in an army of long term unemployed.
a spokesman said "we have run out of sandbags but hopefully these giant spongers will be just as effective".
-------------------------------------------
Andy I like the sponger gag..but how about if it was 'sending in a team of investment bankers' instead of the unempolyed? Much bigger spongers & the bigger the sponger, the bigger the laugh?
J
News Announcer
Now it's time for a round-up of the main points of the Lib-Dem conference in Brighton this week. (BEAT) Right then, now back to Kirrin Island.
Welcome to Kirrin Island Customs and Immigration Department Mr Forrest. I see your'e here on holiday with your step/step/step daughter. That's marvellous, please enjoy your stay.
Enraged KI Counsellor
Don't ever call the police 'plebs' again when you know full well they are not lowlife's. They are, in fact, a racist, self serving bunch of c(bleep)t's
Maths Teacher
How many pupils does it take to make a field trip?
Pupil
Is it under 15 Sir?