Alakazam
Sunday 23rd September 2012 10:43am [Edited]
London
21 posts
Quote: Judgement Dave @ September 23 2012, 10:19 AM BST
Can I ask if anyone who got material (especially sketches) onto a show (or recorded but cut) would be okay to share the original submission that they made?
Since getting something on the show is a novelty for me, I've no idea how representative this is, but here's my submission. I've put the script editor's changes and additions in brackets where I remember them and italicised anything that was cut:
Prince Albert's Shins
JUSTIN:19th Century listeners are warned to remove their monocles now, as the following report contains graphic euphemisms and repeated use of the word 'shin'.
ATMOS:CRACKLY RECORD.
GROYNE:Wilberforce Groyne, Royal Scandalhound here.
Her Majesty Queen Victoria's visit to the South Seas has been rocked by sensation as Prince Albert's bare shins were photographed while he lounged sockless on the patio. I'm joined by a royal footman who was present when the photographer struck. (What exactly did you see?) Mr Simpleton?
SIMPLETON:Beggin' your pardon, Sir, but it all happened so fast. There was a blinding flash of light, then a voice asking us all to remain motionless for about a minute (twenty minutes), then he was gone.
GROYNE:But was the Prince wrong to go sockless in the first place? Give us your opinion.
SIMPLETON:I'd rather just rotate my hat anxiously in my hands, Sir.
GROYNE
tout fellow.
Etchings of the Royal Consort's 'front calves' have now appeared in several appallingly foreign publications. Upon seeing the images, three women suffered fits of hysterics and were removed to a home for the sexually (femininely) deranged. One of them joins me now, through a small hole in a door. Abigail Ladygarden, good evening.
ABIGAIL:Good evening.
GROYNE:What was your reaction on seeing the pictures?
ABIGAIL:Good shape (length), but too hairy. 7 out of 10.
GROYNE:Calm yourself madam, or I shall splash Vimto in your face. (I shall put you in a cage and exhibit you at the forthcoming exhibition).
ABIGAIL:I don't see what the fuss is. We've all seen shins before.
GROYNE:I haven't. Mrs Groyne and I wear waders to bed.
ABIGAIL:I think the real question is why the behaviour of an irrelevant member of an outdated institution is of any intere-.
F/XSLIDING DOOR SHUT.
GROYNE:Thank you Ms Ladygarden. (Horrible woman... You're twice as mad as a normal woman, which is very mad indeed - I wish I'd written that bit.)
ABIGAIL
MUFFLED PROTESTS OFF.)
(GROYNEhoot her!)
GROYNE:At home, Buckingham Palace say that any person who has seen the Prince's shins should be dissolved in caustic soda (should be hanged until very dead), in what most have deemed to be an under-reaction. (Next, a piece on winter fashions, with an in-depth look at the Queen's muff.) Meanwhile, a vicar who caught sight of the pictures in a mirror is reported to have vomited his own face off.
