Newsjack Series 7: One-Liner rejects Page 2

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ September 20 2012, 6:12 PM BST

But I got an e mail saying something had been recorded...

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It was the Oasis one. Shame, I really liked that and it got some good laughs.
They recorded a LOT of JackApps though...

Cheers mate.
I thought it would be that one.

Steve S - Justin liked that one! Even made a special comment after he read out your one-liner.

Ok rub it in

Geez, I'm a bit depressed. There are some corkers coming out from stories I looked at and couldn't do damn thing with!

My Slim Pickens:-

JACKAPPS

So Chris Moyles has said goodbye to Breakfast after 8 years? I caught his show once and said goodbye to my breakfast after 8 seconds.

Salman Rushdie said "The Satanic Verses" would never be published today. I should hope not - it'd be blatant plagiarism

I think it's a mistake replacing GCSE's with the "English Baccalaureate". Imagine a generation of teenagers leaving school with a qualification they can't pronounce.

So we're finally running out of IP addresses? I blame these townies - not enough to have a computer at home, they've got to have an iPad in the country.

CORRECTION

We apologise for a jokey comment made during last week's report about IT graduates gathering in Luton for the largest ever games-programming session. Our comment was insensitive and it turns out the Guinness Book of Records doesn't have an entry for "Biggest congregation of 25-year old virgins" anyway.

Here are my favourites of your lot:-

DeathbyMonkey - "I was disgusted to learn that rat meat is being sold in East London, to think when I was at the Olympics and I could have been eating rat meat, instead of McDonalds."
(Probably my fave of all so far)

GroovyDude - "Boris Johnson is now Britain's most respected politician. Who knew that the Olympics would leave behind such a chilling legacy?"

Blahblah - "I'm surprised the Irish Star published topless pictures of the duchess. I thought they were only interested in the craic"
(I can see why they didn't go with it, but )

SteveSunshine - "I'm not surprised that Manchester is the capital of Piracy I recently bought an Oasis album and when I got it home it turned out to be a knocked off copy of the Beatles"
(See, I looked at story for ages and could never have come up with a gem like that)

BobLoblaw - "A survey has found that middle age begins at 55 years, suggesting educational reforms in Mathematics in particular are long overdue."

My rejects...

I can't believe President Putin staged some of his encounters with rare and dangerous wildlife. Although I did get a little suspicious that time he lassoed a unicorn.

The Culture Secretary Maria Miller has urged broadcasters not to cut their coverage of women's sport now London 2012 is over. Women's sport never really recovered from its highpoint in the late nineties, before the sad demise of L!VE TV and Topless Darts.

It's about time planning rules were loosened. Why shouldn't a perfect innocuous extension be built onto an individual's private home without the state prying into the blueprints for his sex dungeon... I mean, utility room. It's a utility room.

I think it's fantastic that a new IVF procedure will allow the creation of children with two genetic fathers, if only to see the confused look on Jeremy Kyle's face when the test results come back.

Former Lib Dem MP Evan Harris is to take ecstasy as part of a scientific study. Downing Street strongly denies Boris Johnson has been part of a similar trial for years.

Sometimes I get a little embarrassed reading certain books on the tube. But thankfully the 50 Shades of Grey dust-jacket will fit snugly over The Sins of the Father by Jeffrey Archer.

And Finally...This episode of Newsjack was recorded back in September 2012 shortly after photographs of the Duchess of Cambridge sunbathing topless were published, but two months before the now infamous videos that forced Prince Charles to retire from public life and led to the humane destruction of three corgis.

Quote: Frantically @ September 20 2012, 7:57 PM BST

Blahblah - "I'm surprised the Irish Star published topless pictures of the duchess. I thought they were only interested in the craic"
(I can see why they didn't go with it, but )

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Yeah I didn't think they would but it made me giggle like a school girl so put it in

and Steves Oasis joke was very good

Hello! Something got recorded so if anyone that was there remembers, these could you point it out please? Cheers in advance

JACK APPS:

(OLD MAN) I know how Richard III feels. I was 30 when I first entered that car park. Bloody signs.

My missus liked the sight of Harry's bum, and Kate's boobs are great, but bloody hell, please don't let Prince Philip go on holiday anytime soon.

I think EBACC sounds like an internet auction site. And what exam board on earth is going to bid on religious education?

I'm with Anton Ferdinand, I wouldn't want to shake John Terry's hand either, who knows where it has been?

Oh... What... Newsjack? Sorry, I asked Siri to call Nudes Shack. Erm, bye.

I completely agree with Gary Barlow's choice to leave X Factor if Geri Halliwell comes back. On that note, can we put her in the coalition?

And also...

AND FINALLY...You have been listening to Newsjack, first broadcast in September 2012, the week archaeologists found the remains of Richard III in a Leicester car park, which set a precedent and led to the discovery of Lord Lucan under Tesco in Basildon, and Kerry Katona's dignity under the M25. It was also the week that Chris Moyles left his breakfast radio show, leading to general morning happiness increasing four-fold! Next on Radio 4 Extra: EBACC to the future, in which a former education minister must go back to 2012, and stop himself causing the UK's descent into uneducated anarchy!

Quote: Feeoree @ September 20 2012, 8:04 PM BST

Hello! Something got recorded so if anyone that was there remembers, these could you point it out please? Cheers in advance

View original

They used an "ebacc to the future" line in a longer sketch which got a very big groan - that might have influenced their editing decisions.

Ah, thanks.

Defeated by a groan! Booo.

Quote: blahblah @ September 20 2012, 6:05 PM BST

I'm surprised the Irish Star published topless pictures of the duchess. I thought they were only interested in the craic

View original

Some great gags from everyone, this is my fav so far

My Nick Clegg's this week:

I know why The Sun didn't publish the topless pictures of Kate. They prefer a good cover-up.

Stem cells have been used to restore hearing in animals. This is great news for Def Leppard.

As a Tory, I hope this new species of owl-faced monkeys don't move to Hartlepool. It could lead to a hung parliament.

Richard Branson's rail line legal challenge could disrupt services. This will be the first time a virgin has held up a train since Susan Boyle was a bridesmaid.

A man has been arrested for smuggling a monkey in his underpants. I'm guessing he was an organ grinder.

I know what to buy the editor of that French magazine for Christmas, Photoshop.

I think the t-shirts celebrating the eventual death of Margaret Thatcher are absolutely disgusting. A tenner for plain cotton?

An adaptor for the iPhone 5 will cost £25. I remember when you fed an apple to a pony.

There's nothing unusual about children having three parents. The Prime Minister's kids have their mom, their dad and the barman.

Prince William has said he wants to have two children with Kate. I've seen the pictures; those kids are going to be bottle-fed.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he would rather take a GCSE or their new equivalent. He said "I'll EBacc"

I didn't send any because the only one I thought of was this, which was mean-spirited and lazy:

Chris Moyles is saying goodbye to breakfast. I think he should give lunch a miss occasionally too.

Here's mine. Only had time to crank out a few one-liners

This government's education policy is more Baccafagpacket than Baccalaureate.

You could say there were three people responsible for my kids being born. Me, my wife and Barry White.

Lighter and slightly bigger would be a great upgrade for a husband but not a phone.

Interestingly the second one would appear to have made it onto the show (yay) but I didn't get an email, which is a bit weird.

ONE-LINERS

(1)I'm very disappointed - I Googled pictures of topless royals and just found Charles II.

(2)I enjoyed the Olympics. The women's football final got a bit messy - but what do you expect from 22 girls one cup?

(3)I read about Usain Bolt going out clubbing with the Swedish beach volleyball team. I wonder if he also got to see the Brazilians?

INTROS/ ONE-LINERS

(4)Over the summer there was a serious lapse in royal security when Prince Harry found he no longer had a private dick.

(5)It's London Fashion Week this week. This is an opportunity to showcase lunatic trends that aren't practical, don't make much sense and won't be bought by anyone - like talking about Boris Johnson becoming the next Prime Minister.

(6)As an actor I am required to play the part of many different famous people - but I will only ever take my clothes off if it is absolutely necessary for the royal.

CORRECTIONS

(7)In our report on the Olympics Beach Volleyball, the term "lucky loser" was a reference to the repecharge system, and not the single man who won tickets to the front row.

Here are some of my one-liner rejects:

Is it fair that the GCSE appeal deadline is going to be extended? What about all those schools who worked hard to put their appeals in on time with no help from their mummies and daddies?

There's been a rise in complaints against doctors. (Squeaky voice) I'm sick of having to wait so long for an appointment.

Like Sarah Millican, I have refused to perform at a venue because I felt the cost of the ticket was extortionate, especially considering the mediocre performances given by my fellow thespians. Crumblehill School will have to find somebody else to stick up their donkey's bottom!

If you've got too many dirty ponds, make some new ones. If you've got too many debts, make some new ones. If you've got too many problems, make some new ones.