A place to post all those one-liner rejects from Series 7.
And as some people were asking for some examples here's a random post where swerytd pulled out a few of his favourites: (Dan's comments are below the on-liners after the >>
JACKAPP
(Brummie Businessman) I paid a quarter of a million pounds for dinner with David Cameron and George Osborne and it was worth every penny. I'd never trashed a restaurant before.
AND FINALLY...
That was the last ever edition of Newsjack, broadcast way back in Spring 2012, shortly before comedy withdrew from the airwaves, having completed all its goals. Who can now forget the wave of virulent satire that shamed politicians into honouring promises and answering questions directly? In the ensuing months errant satnavs, voice activated menus and owls in pipes fell like dominos, culminating in the mass suicide of the bankers that summer. There were casualties of course - thousands of precocious sitcom children who had to go back to playing with dollies and action men and, of course, my wife, who was finally forced, involuntarily, to go to Jamaica.
>> Like this. Nice angle on the last one.
JACKAPPS
* (ELDERLY MAN) I was disappointed to hear that our Saga cruise has been delayed. My wife and I now have to hire a car to get to Dubrovnik. It's going to be a Saga mega drive.
* I think the decision to use Twitter to find the next Archbishop of Canterbury is a rubbish idea. I mean Jesus only had twelve followers, didn't he?
* I'm surprised ITV is showing Titanic in four parts. Everyone knows it split into two.
NEWSJACK APP
So the government is selling a third of its stake in RBS to Abu Dhabi? That leaves us taxpayers with ... just the BS.
Baroness Grey-Thompson is right when she says disabled people are treated like second-class citizens. Still, I guess we'll be worth 39% more next year.
(JOHNNY VEGAS) I just found out that ITV Digital failed because we were hacked and I'm not happy. Mind you I thought someone was working that monkey from the outside.
JUSTIN'S INTRO
Britain's Got Talent is back and this year there's a 500,000 pounds prize for the winner. That's the sort of money that can buy you a book of first class stamps and a full tank of petrol.
>> First one: excellent, second one far too clever, third one I like, fourth one I'm not a big fan of but you've hit the Newsjackstyle hammer right on the head.
JACKAPPS
POSH LADY: My new vicar said I should tweet him. So I tweeted him to my home made cawwot cake.
WOMAN: I took that advice that eating more chocolate would give me the body of an athlete. Sadly, it turned out to be the Russian shot-put gold medalist (BEAT) in their men's team.
WORKING CLASS MAN: I paid £250 to dine with the labour party leader. They sent me a pot noodle and a DVD of Ed Milliband's greatest speeches. It was over before I'd even thrown up the pot noodle.
AND FINALLY...
And next on Radio4 Extra, Ready, Steady, Crook with Peter Cruddas. This week the contestants have to cook for a dinner party with the Prime Minister, using only an egg, a tomato and 250 thousand pounds.
>> Liked all these.
CORRECTION: We could perhaps have chosen our words more carefully when we revealed that, when Samantha Cameron has guests round for dinner, she makes sure she gets hundreds and thousands for her trifle.
>> Very good concept. Probably needs a rewording but nearly there.
JACKAPPS
After all these years they're having the first ever Dr Who convention. It's about time... And space
When Barak Obama visited South Korea he had to be very careful that he didn't go into North Korea by mistake. Of course it all went to plan, which shows the value of going to see your Koreas advisor.
I agree with Obama I don't think anyone should be allowed to have nuclear arms... Unless you're a superhero, then you can have nuclear legs as well if you want.
They've found a dog that's as small as an Iphone. There's a Yap for that
The Queen gate crashed a couple's wedding the other day. At first They were both thrilled. Until the Queen smashed a Champagne bottle over the brides backside & blessed all those who sail in her.
Simon Cowell has finally fixed a fault with his security alarms. previously all three buzzers had to go off to stop someone getting through.
>> Pick of Steve's though all were very well put together.
INTRO
(1) This week James Cameron embarked on a perilous seven hour journey cramped in a foetal position, unable to eat or go to the toilet the whole while on standby to operate the safety hatch - but he should think himself lucky that EasyJet were able to fly him to his sub.
AND FINALLY
(11) That was Newsjack, first transmitted in the week that in an attempt to restore confidence in the Conservative Party Peter Cruddas was replaced as Tory treasurer by Lord Fink...who in turn was replaced by Lord Sneaky, then Lord Shyster, before eventually being succeeded by Lord St John Conman.
>> Liked
FINALLY:
That was Newsjack from March 2012, the week in which a woman holding a brick broke into Simon Cowell's house, shortly before she went on to win Britain's Got Talent - the final series before OFCOM insisted it should be renamed "Britain's Not Really Got Talent But We Do Have a Lot of Freaks Holding Bricks". Next on Radio 4Extra, Andy McNab reads from his chilling account of a soldier on the front line at Shell, Esso and Texaco, in "Petrol - One-Four-Zero".
JACK APP:
When I saw the Stock-Aitken-Waterman reunion line-up - Jason Donovan, Sonia, Dead or Alive - my first thought was... dead.
JACK APP:
I'm going to register early if they agree to a Royal Mail sell-off. I'm hoping they do Prince Harry first!
JACK APP:
When a hot air balloon crashes into cables and leads to people losing electricity - well, it just proves that wind power will never work.
JACK APP
I'm not convinced by consumer magazine Which's criticism of comparison websites, but I don't know how to find out if there's a better consumer magazine out there.
>> All good also
CORRECTION
Last week we reported that Cameron had sunk to new levels. We would however like to re-iterate that we were in fact referring to film director James Cameron's latest submarine mission and not David Cameron's 'cash for access' scandal.
JACKAPP
(Manchester Accent)
I don't see why unite are going on strike over pay conditions their players are some of the highest earners in the country.
>> First one's good. Second one has potential, but I don't think you've nailed it.