Newsjack Series 7: One-Liner rejects

A place to post all those one-liner rejects from Series 7.

And as some people were asking for some examples here's a random post where swerytd pulled out a few of his favourites: (Dan's comments are below the on-liners after the >>

JACKAPP
(Brummie Businessman) I paid a quarter of a million pounds for dinner with David Cameron and George Osborne and it was worth every penny. I'd never trashed a restaurant before.

AND FINALLY...
That was the last ever edition of Newsjack, broadcast way back in Spring 2012, shortly before comedy withdrew from the airwaves, having completed all its goals. Who can now forget the wave of virulent satire that shamed politicians into honouring promises and answering questions directly? In the ensuing months errant satnavs, voice activated menus and owls in pipes fell like dominos, culminating in the mass suicide of the bankers that summer. There were casualties of course - thousands of precocious sitcom children who had to go back to playing with dollies and action men and, of course, my wife, who was finally forced, involuntarily, to go to Jamaica.

>> Like this. Nice angle on the last one.

JACKAPPS
* (ELDERLY MAN) I was disappointed to hear that our Saga cruise has been delayed. My wife and I now have to hire a car to get to Dubrovnik. It's going to be a Saga mega drive.

* I think the decision to use Twitter to find the next Archbishop of Canterbury is a rubbish idea. I mean Jesus only had twelve followers, didn't he?

* I'm surprised ITV is showing Titanic in four parts. Everyone knows it split into two.

NEWSJACK APP
So the government is selling a third of its stake in RBS to Abu Dhabi? That leaves us taxpayers with ... just the BS.

Baroness Grey-Thompson is right when she says disabled people are treated like second-class citizens. Still, I guess we'll be worth 39% more next year.

(JOHNNY VEGAS) I just found out that ITV Digital failed because we were hacked and I'm not happy. Mind you I thought someone was working that monkey from the outside.

JUSTIN'S INTRO
Britain's Got Talent is back and this year there's a 500,000 pounds prize for the winner. That's the sort of money that can buy you a book of first class stamps and a full tank of petrol.

>> First one: excellent, second one far too clever, third one I like, fourth one I'm not a big fan of but you've hit the Newsjackstyle hammer right on the head.

JACKAPPS
POSH LADY: My new vicar said I should tweet him. So I tweeted him to my home made cawwot cake.

WOMAN: I took that advice that eating more chocolate would give me the body of an athlete. Sadly, it turned out to be the Russian shot-put gold medalist (BEAT) in their men's team.

WORKING CLASS MAN: I paid £250 to dine with the labour party leader. They sent me a pot noodle and a DVD of Ed Milliband's greatest speeches. It was over before I'd even thrown up the pot noodle.

AND FINALLY...
And next on Radio4 Extra, Ready, Steady, Crook with Peter Cruddas. This week the contestants have to cook for a dinner party with the Prime Minister, using only an egg, a tomato and 250 thousand pounds.

>> Liked all these.

CORRECTION: We could perhaps have chosen our words more carefully when we revealed that, when Samantha Cameron has guests round for dinner, she makes sure she gets hundreds and thousands for her trifle.

>> Very good concept. Probably needs a rewording but nearly there.

JACKAPPS
After all these years they're having the first ever Dr Who convention. It's about time... And space

When Barak Obama visited South Korea he had to be very careful that he didn't go into North Korea by mistake. Of course it all went to plan, which shows the value of going to see your Koreas advisor.

I agree with Obama I don't think anyone should be allowed to have nuclear arms... Unless you're a superhero, then you can have nuclear legs as well if you want.

They've found a dog that's as small as an Iphone. There's a Yap for that

The Queen gate crashed a couple's wedding the other day. At first They were both thrilled. Until the Queen smashed a Champagne bottle over the brides backside & blessed all those who sail in her.

Simon Cowell has finally fixed a fault with his security alarms. previously all three buzzers had to go off to stop someone getting through.

>> Pick of Steve's though all were very well put together.

INTRO
(1) This week James Cameron embarked on a perilous seven hour journey cramped in a foetal position, unable to eat or go to the toilet the whole while on standby to operate the safety hatch - but he should think himself lucky that EasyJet were able to fly him to his sub.

AND FINALLY
(11) That was Newsjack, first transmitted in the week that in an attempt to restore confidence in the Conservative Party Peter Cruddas was replaced as Tory treasurer by Lord Fink...who in turn was replaced by Lord Sneaky, then Lord Shyster, before eventually being succeeded by Lord St John Conman.

>> Liked

FINALLY:
That was Newsjack from March 2012, the week in which a woman holding a brick broke into Simon Cowell's house, shortly before she went on to win Britain's Got Talent - the final series before OFCOM insisted it should be renamed "Britain's Not Really Got Talent But We Do Have a Lot of Freaks Holding Bricks". Next on Radio 4Extra, Andy McNab reads from his chilling account of a soldier on the front line at Shell, Esso and Texaco, in "Petrol - One-Four-Zero".

JACK APP:
When I saw the Stock-Aitken-Waterman reunion line-up - Jason Donovan, Sonia, Dead or Alive - my first thought was... dead.

JACK APP:
I'm going to register early if they agree to a Royal Mail sell-off. I'm hoping they do Prince Harry first!

JACK APP:
When a hot air balloon crashes into cables and leads to people losing electricity - well, it just proves that wind power will never work.

JACK APP
I'm not convinced by consumer magazine Which's criticism of comparison websites, but I don't know how to find out if there's a better consumer magazine out there.

>> All good also

CORRECTION
Last week we reported that Cameron had sunk to new levels. We would however like to re-iterate that we were in fact referring to film director James Cameron's latest submarine mission and not David Cameron's 'cash for access' scandal.

JACKAPP
(Manchester Accent)
I don't see why unite are going on strike over pay conditions their players are some of the highest earners in the country.

>> First one's good. Second one has potential, but I don't think you've nailed it.

These are some I sent in last spring (2012) can't remember if it was series 7.
Just looked back on my files, no wonder they were rejected :-)
Here's a few that were not too bad

One Liners:
The tabloids are in turmoil, all methods of muck racking are exposed! So in an effort to get that juicy celeb gossip several journalists are back on the game.

As the Eurozone crisis deepens, countries are forced to take drastic austerity measures. Steep Taxes and charges in Ireland, panic in Greece and in Italy, a major cut back on toppings.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel got a cold reception at a party in Germany over the weekend, as a waiter managed to tip five glasses of beer down her back. Luckily for the attending crowd a change of clothes wasn't necessary.

Here's one that I definitely won't be sending in

If I search for Emma Watson on the internet, I might end up with a virus. If I find Emma Watson in real life, she'll end up with one.

Sorry to be thick - but can you clarify if the first post actually contains real rejected one liners with constructive criticism from Newsjack?

If so, a) some of these 'rejects' are far better than my best stuff, b)some of the most positive comments are about the ones I like least.

Boy is my finger not on the pulse of newsjack!

Don't worry about (b), the critique is not from The Newsjack Team but from the BCG's Swerytd.

Strangely excited to see old rejects given the light of day once more. Cheers, Reverend.

Quote: Big Jack @ September 19 2012, 1:12 AM BST

Strangely excited to see old rejects given the light of day once more. Cheers, Reverend.

View original

Give it a couple of days and we'll be swamped with new ones.

And my rejects:

I agree with Michael Gove's education changes, in fact I agree with all the government's policies. In my day we didn't have GCSE's or university places, or benefits or a National Health system, so why should these little brats get 'em?

I think it's terrible that photos taken of Kate Middleton sunbathing topless at a private villa have been published in foreign newspapers, but when I take photos of my neighbour sunbathing topless in her back garden, I have to sign a register.

Mitt Romney disparaged Barak Obama's supporters saying they don't pay income tax and would never vote for Mitt Romney despite the fact that he is a multimillionaire who has never paid income tax and will never vote for Mitt Romney.

I was disgusted to learn that rat meat is being sold in East London, to think when I was at the Olympics and I could have been eating rat meat, instead of McDonalds.

I watched that cheap and poorly made film the Innocence of Muslims and I was really shocked, that it didn't feature Adam Sandler.

Apparently Victoria Beckham will star as the leading role in a new BBC period drama, Richard the Third's, bones.

And the one I decided not to send to Newsjack...
The new iPhone is just an upgrade of the old iPhone, something Steve Jobs didn't believe in; saying that he didn't believe in chemotherapy either and look where that got him.
(I was just brainstorming joke ideas about the iPhone and that's the best I could think of)

The thing I learned from the recording last night, they have to be actual one-liners not just jokes.

Quote: DeathbyMonkey @ September 20 2012, 12:10 PM BST

I was disgusted to learn that rat meat is being sold in East London, to think when I was at the Olympics and I could have been eating rat meat, instead of McDonalds.

View original

Nice gag DBM

Quote: DeathbyMonkey @ September 20 2012, 12:10 PM BST

The new iPhone is just an upgrade of the old iPhone, something Steve Jobs didn't believe in; saying that he didn't believe in chemotherapy either and look where that got him.

View original

You're going to go to hell for writing that. And I'm going to join you for laughing at it.

Quote: groovydude89 @ September 20 2012, 12:32 PM BST

You're going to go to hell for writing that. And I'm going to join you for laughing at it.

View original

I'd like to point out that's the one I decided not to send to Newsjack

"American presidents share the same personality traits as psychopaths... according to the University of Common Sense."

"Salman Rushdie's right - The Satanic Verses wouldn't be printed in this day and age... we'd download it for our Kindles instead."

"Boris Johnson is now Britain's most respected politician. Who knew that the Olympics would leave behind such a chilling legacy?"

"Squatters have re-opened Barnet library... presumably to make use of its toilet facilities."

"A stick of dynamite's been handed in to a northern police station. If it's not claimed within thirty days... me and the boys are gonna have some fun with it!"

"Manchester's been named as the piracy capital of Britain. How shameless!"

"The Naked Rambler should join Twitter. It'd help him condense his rants."

"The 'King of Sexploitation' may be dead... but his filth will live on forever!"

"Who do Closer magazine think they are... printing photos of Prince William's tits?"

My reject bundle

Introductions

Some people say the decision to scrap GCSEs is one step forward and two steps back, which ironically is a question in the GCSE maths exam

The Everton vs Newcastle game furthered the argument for goal line technology. I agree, I would find football much more interesting if the goalkeepers were robots

The toy store Hamleys has been sold to French group Ludendo for sixty million pounds - they'll probably only play with it once then put it in the cupboard

New research suggests middle age begins at 55, unless you're Bruce Forsyth then that's still adolescence

In entertainment news Chris Moyles has said goodbye to breakfast, which may explain his weight loss

Newsjack Apps

I heard a Siberian zoo has bred the first lion, lion, tiger hybrid and are calling it a Liliger. I think that's a milestone and a big achievement - or as they would say an Achieve-Mile-Ment

I see a film trailer has sparked Muslim riots all around the world - I was upset when I found out Matt Damon wasn't in the new Bourne movie too

I'm surprised the Irish Star published topless pictures of the duchess. I thought they were only interested in the craic

People say that Muslims are sexist, but the riots in the middle-east weren't about an Uncle Muslim film it was Anti-Muslim!

I hear Victoria Beckham has stopped given Katherine Jenkins free designer clothes because of the rumours she slept with her husband. If she really wants to make her suffer she should send her her solo album

One day it's hot the next day its cold, what can I do? - sorry is this the gas company?

Corrections

The unprecedented success of Newsjacks story about why X Factor is so popular will now be referred to as "Newsjacks success" and not as we have been calling it "The X Factor of X Factors X Factor"

We apologize for our comprehensive report on the armed forces swing ball tournament. The work experience kid got confused when we sent him to cover the Para-lympics

We claimed the naked pictures of Prince Harry were upstaged by a pair of tits, to clarify we were referring to the television return of Ant and Dec

And Finally

That was Newsjack from way back in September 2012. The week the government decided to scrap GCSEs in favour of more difficult exams, which led to the GCSE generation staging protests. Government officials considered performing a U turn, but unfortunately the petition was poorly spelt and lacked creativity. It was also the week that saw Ed Sheeran named the UK's most pirated artist this led to Ed declaring himself king of the pirates and sailing off on the seven seas never to be seen again. Next up President Justin Bieber reads extracts from his autobiography, this week he discusses his chemical attack on the world that infected everyone with Bieber Fever - killing millions

Quote: blahblah @ September 20 2012, 6:05 PM BST

I heard a Siberian zoo has bred the first lion, lion, tiger hybrid and are calling it a Liliger. I think that's a milestone and a big achievement - or as they would say an Achieve-Mile-Ment

View original

Like this

Quote: groovydude89 @ September 20 2012, 5:28 PM BST

"Salman Rushdie's right - The Satanic Verses wouldn't be printed in this day and age... we'd download it for our Kindles instead."

View original

I wasn't going to post mine as they were a bit rushed in the end
But I got an e mail saying something had been recorded.

Would any of the attendees be able to tell me which one please

I'm not surprised that Manchester is the capital of Piracy I recently bought an Oasis album and when I got it home it turned out to be a knocked off copy of the Beatles

Wasn't the Olympic parade impressive, I haven't seen that much Gold Silver & Bronze since ... My big Fat Gypsy Wedding

I went to see that new play staged in a Womens Toilet. It was very realistic, I think it was called "get out you pervert before we call the police"

I don't think they would have dug Richard The Third up if they 'd realised how many traffic accidents had been prevented by his hump

So Japans plans to phase out Nuclear Power, If they'd thought of that 50 years ago we wouldn't have had all that trouble with Godzilla.

Poor Kate, I bet she wishes she could go back to a more innocent time when the only photos of in the paper of her were in a see through dress showing her knickers.

I think they should have Geri Halliwell as a permanent Judge on the X factor she's such a great role model for all these young girls who crave fame but can't sing.

My failed efforts..

Intros

An independent report has found that the UK film industry contributed £4.6bn towards the country's GDP for 2011. If you deduct the Harry Potter franchise from that amount the figure is reduced to around 3 pounds and 17 pence, or just short of a Meal Deal from Boots.

A survey has found that middle age begins at 55 years, suggesting educational reforms in Mathematics in particular are long overdue.

Ed Sheeran has come out on top of the most pirated list for 2012, pushing Blackbeard's Booty off the top spot for the first time in 293 years.

JackApp

Andy Murray is the second favourite for Sports PERSONALITY of the Year? Who's the favourite, Ellie Simmonds' swimming cap?

Corrections

Last week we used data from a North Korean news agency in our final report on the 2012 Olympics. After further research we can confirm that the Women's 800 metres gold medal was won by Russia's Mariya Savinova, not Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un as was initially stated.

And finally..

That was Newsjack from September 2012, the week in which Newsjack would include a joke about the ludicrous notion of Boris Johnson becoming leader of his party and the country in its 'And Finally' segment. Months later Mr Johnson would complete his ascent to Prime Minister, the precursor to a series of events which would ultimately see him selling the nation to Rupert Murdoch for some magic beans and four bags of Haribo Star Mix.