Watch this space

ON BOARD A SPACESHIP. THERE ARE TWO ALIEN TYPES AT THE CONTROLS

ALIEN #1
There it is! Just like they told us; a small green blue planet. If our scientists are to be believed then it's perfect for colonisation.

ALIEN # 2
We need to be sure before we summon our invasion fleet. Let's zoom in and have a closer look.

THE VIEWING SCREEN ZOOMS IN ON UK. FURTHER ZOOMS IN ON LONDON AND THEN DOWN TO ACTUAL STREET DETAIL. A TRAFFIC WARDEN IS WRITING A TICKET FOR A CAR ON DOUBLE YELLOW LINES. A SPEED CAMERA FLASHES A CAR. MORE CCTV CAMERAS SWIVEL ON TALL POLES FILMING EVERYTHING. ANOTHER CAR IS BEING CLAMPED WHILST A FOURTH IS BEING CRANED ONTO THE BACK OF A PICK UP VEHICLE.

ALIEN # 1
Hmmm. Our boffins never mentioned this. It seems that these creatures have their every move scrutinised.

ALIEN # 2
Better find another world to enslave. How are we going to land these bloody things anywhere and infiltrate their society without getting nicked first?

END:

its a bit long, could you trim it down a bit?

I think with such a short sketch you need a gag at the start

Blimey H

Don't know what I could cut really The opening exchange would take about 5 seconds. Then the visual scene of the cars etc then about another 5-10 seconds for the second exchange.

EDIT

I wrote this with only one gag in mind and that's the last line.

Quote: Blenkinsop @ January 30, 2008, 4:57 PM

Blimey H

Don't know what I could cut really The opening exchange would take about 5 seconds. Then the visual scene of the cars etc then about another 5-10 seconds for the second exchange

View original

I think the Hoskinator is suggesting that you cut out the first 5 seconds, the visual bit and then the last 5-10 seconds If you did that it would work for me too!

I like it. As a TV sketch i can see this working really well.

Thanks Ray. A man of great taste and wisdom if ever I met one.

Rob B You're not a traffic warden, clamper, CCTV camera operator are you?

They wouldn't have him, he's got no heart.

I think he's a right piece of work Can I be as abusive asI like so long as I put an emoticon after everything I say?

Rob B he's a right %^$£$^^ and a &*&^%^ . I think he should be given a right good **$**$$

Glad your not my writing partner.

Well perhaps calling him a %^$£$^^ and a &*&^%^ was a bit strong. He's probably a nice chap really

I think you can trim fluff from the dialogue if needed. For example:

ALIEN #1
There it is! Just like they told us; a small green blue planet. If our scientists are to be believed then it's perfect for colonisation.

Can become:

ALIEN #1
If our scientists are right then this small green blue planet is perfect for colonisation.

The second line:

ALIEN # 2
We need to be sure before we summon our invasion fleet. Let's zoom in and have a closer look.

can become:

ALIEN # 2
Let's have a closer look before we summon our invasion fleet.

I think it'll still keep the same meaning for less verbage.

The sketch is very short as it is. But there's always room for the editing scissors if you look in the right places.

Hope that helps?

Thanks for the input SlagA. I know what you mean but I think that with the benefit of hindsight I could have done what you say and may well have done so.

What's posted is an off the cuff first pass with no editing on my part at all. H was saying start with a gag but I honestly don't think that it's appropriate in this context. I think there's only one gag here and that's the pay off line

No sweat Crossed wires. I liked it, for my tuppence worth.

Thanks SlagA. Pas de problem

Liked it, Blenks! I'm a sucker for anything sci-fi as well so that helped .

What is it with the 'too long's and the 'not enough gags'es?
Is that just something people say when they can't think of anything else?
Granted both comments are valid in certain pieces, but in this one???

Maybe there is some unwritten rule stating that a sketch should run between 3.45 and 4.2 seconds, and that a gag must appear every 2 lines? I don't know.

Anyway, I didn't think it was too long and was absolutely fine with the one punchline. Good work, mate!