Comedy feature screenplay

Appreciate feedback on the below
(will attach first 10 pages now)

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/attachment.php?attachmentid=221089&d=1347955798

Many won't download from unknown sources, you would be better pasting it.

Would have to disagree there,
Ten pages of screenplay on a message board is pretty daunting.

Edit: just downloaded - link appears clean.

Thanks Teddy -Format gets all screwed when I do. Just read your EASY SOS sketch. Quite like! I'll see if I can re-format and paste here.

1st scene below

FADE IN:

INT. LAB - AFTERNOON
We reveal a laboratory filled with noisy chickens in cages. Male chickens are in blue cages, females in pink cages. LAB-BOSS, an unple¬asant looking 60 year old man, disheveled, with a bloody nose, is excitedly telling his story. A chicken, body separated from the head, lies on the floor beside him. There is a group of scientists around Lab-boss.

LAB-BOSS
(midsentence)
-full of vigor, pecking at me, chirping and cluck-clucking, flapping his wings, cock-a-doodling. He pulled his head back and stood tall. They went wild! (signaling all the other chickens)
He looked straight into my eyes - challenging me.
The Mighty Cock.

A chorus of babbling scientists exclaim at this. SCIENTIST-1, a greasy-faced 26 year old with sharp features, competes with the other scientists to show the most interest.

SCIENTIST-1
(nasal tone)
But Prof - he should have been dead! The samples of GREEN-PEA-GAMMA I synthesized yesterday were 10 times more concentrate!
He should have been dead... within minutes!

A chorus of babbling scientists.

LAB-BOSS
Remarkable!
He was encouraging dissent! There was a chorus of chirping, of clucking.
I had to end it. I opened his cage and grabbed him. I grabbed him by his neck and choked him - choked him hard. His head went red. And then blue. He continued flapping... and then...
(beat)
She struck me! From behind! Karen! She balled her fists and smacked me hard on my head and I fell to the floor. Without meaning... I looked down... I had pulled his head off! The Mighty Cock. Headless.
Karen snarled at me, she went at me again! Flapping at me! I- (interrupted)

The sound of stomping feet can be heard. DETECTIVE FRANK SENSE, a broad, menacing 44 year old police detective, loudly arrives. He walks towards Lab-Boss pushing aside a number of scientists.

DETECTIVE FRANK SENSE
(gruff)
Get out of my way!
(sniffing)
What's that I smell...

LAB-BOSS
Who in heavens called the police?

FRANK
(sniffing)
You've scared the shit out of these chickens.
Probably by pulling the head off that one!

Frank points to the chicken corpse. Frank looks around at the caged chickens. SCIENTIST-2, an unremarkable 24 year old girl, steps forward.

SCIENTIST-2
He (nodding to chicken) deserved it. Cocky fowl bird.

LAB-BOSS
Sorry there's been a mistake. Who are you?

FRANK
I'm Detective Frank Sense.
You reported the crime?
(reading)
I understand that a- this doesn't make sense...(reading) it says here that a Professor was beaten by a bird.

SCIENTIST-1
Karen's not a bird.

FRANK
What?

SCIENTIST-1
Karen is a scientist. She beat Professor Peter.

LAB-BOSS
She didn't beat me!

FRANK
Well Professor it looks like you came out on top (nodding to the chicken)

SCIENTIST-1
No-no-

LAB-BOSS
Karen's not a bird

FRANK
Looks like a bird to me

LAB-BOSS
No-no-

SCIENTIST-1
Karen is a scientist. She beat-

LAB-BOSS
She attacked me! Not beat!

FRANK
That bird was a scientist? (nodding to the bird)

LAB-BOSS
No- that's just a standard cock-

SCIENTIST-1
Karen's a girl.

FRANK
What?

LAB-BOSS
Stop! I pulled the head off that cock. By accident. Karen, a female colleague saw me, and was upset. She flapped at me feebly.

FRANK
Karen's a female scientist right?

LAB-BOSS
Yes.

FRANK
She flapped at you feebly? You want to press charges?

LAB-BOSS
No! I-

FRANK
That's what you just said!

LAB-BOSS
I don't want to press charges - it's a misunderstanding! I didn't call the police.

FRANK
OK. You're Professor Peter? You were assaulted by Karen?

LAB-BOSS
Wait, No-

SCIENTIST-1
(acting out the attack)
She took him aggressively from behind-

LAB-BOSS
No-no! I wasn't-

FRANK
Wait a minute! Stop!

LAB-BOSS
No, No, listen right. It's a misunders- (starts to stutter) misunderstanding.

SCIENTIST-2
She took him by surprise when he was choking (pointing) that chicken. Before he pulled his head off.

Frank licks the air and rolls his head.

FRANK
Prof. Peter was attacked- flapped at- by Karen. From behind. As he was choking that chicken... he pulled too hard and his head fell off?
Chorus of scientists babble their agreement with this summary.

FRANK
I understand. Karen - describe her?

Scientist-1 removes photo of Karen from his wallet and hands it to Frank. Frank is engrossed by the photo.

LAB-BOSS
Listen. Please listen. I am not pressing charges.

FRANK
Did she pose for this nude?

SCIENTIST-1
(shaking head)
No, I-

Lab-Boss is intrigued by picture and sneaks a peak.

FRANK
She looks just like my wife. My beautiful, dead, wife.

It's all very confused and I'm not sure I'd stick with it as a reader.
But as a general note you should cut all the dialogue that tells us what happened and, instead, show us what happened.
It's a film, not radio.
Also, two flashbacks in the first ten pages is unjustified, especially as the first one does nothing to advance the plot (not actually sure the second one does, either.)
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I think if you sent this one out it would come back pretty sharpish.

Very hard to get into to for me, it needs to land on its feet better to grab the viewers attention as you're spending to much time leading up to stuff.
My advice would be to shorten this example and approach the rewrite with the reality that you yourself may see this clearly in your head, but the reader is struggling.
I've done this myself, I have seen stuff so clearly in my own head that I have written sketches on that basis and they tend to puzzle more than amuse and that's when readers turn off.

Thanks for the feedback lads. Things I certainly have noted;
1. The Lab-Boss describes too much
2. Flashbacks too much (althought very few in remainder of script)
3. Get where I'm going sooner

A significant event in the screenplay occurs on page23, which really sets up the remainder. I wanted to get to that quickly, but need to lay in some groundwork beforehand.

Quote: KDancin @ September 18 2012, 9:58 AM BST

Thanks for the feedback lads. Things I certainly have noted;
1. The Lab-Boss describes too much
2. Flashbacks too much (althought very few in remainder of script)
3. Get where I'm going sooner

A significant event in the screenplay occurs on page23.

View original

You should try to get to this earlier - and try to get something in the first few pages that points to it.