British Comedy Guide

Me more than you

The room is becoming dark as the shadows are being chased slowly up the walls across the dial of the Grandfather clock that stands almost on duty in the hall.

We see man sitting at a desk toying with a gun

There is a half empty bottle of scotch and a glass on the desk

The man's tie is loose and his hair is ruffled, it is the classic situation.

The note is written no more remains to be said.

The telephone on the desk suddenly rings.

The man watches it ring, its shrill tone seems to bring him back from the darkest path.

Is this is the night that the darkness will be beaten? Will it leave empty handed?.

The man issues a stuttering hand toward the telephone that suddenly becomes bolder as it snatches at the receiver like a drowning man finding a log.

The mans voice falters then rallies as he speaks

MAN
"H.h.h hello"

An even more desperate voice replies

VOICE
"Hello is that the Samartians?"

MAN
"No it's the last two numbers are 8-0 not 0-8!"

The lights go on and the TV sparks into life as a woman enters the room, she is drying her hair with a towel and hopping channels with the TV remote as she speaks

WOMAN
"We'll have to get that number thing sorted love, it's getting me down, it really is!"

WE hear a shot!

He shot the cat and went for a 'how's your father' with her? <3

If I was being honest I have no idea if this sketch works or not?
I also have no idea if this section ever gets viewers?
As for offing the cat I am in no position to argue its value as I myself put this up because I was looking for much needed feedback so alas we're both in the dark, welcome to the cellar.

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ September 16 2012, 11:07 AM BST

I also have no idea if this section ever gets viewers?

Not sure why you keep saying this, as your stuff seems to get comments all the time - therefore people are reading it.

Again, the core of the sketch has the germ of an idea - but the opening, in particular, is far too novelistic. You should be describing, as efficiently as possible, what the camera can see.
I think ending with a gunshot is a bit of a cop-out, and it would be nice to see where the initial thought could take you.

I love the idea of this, but would have the man take the call as an actual samaritan and then shoot himself because he's depressed with all the calls. The wife could still come in before the shot and say something like, 'I wish you'd stop all this samaritan stuff, it's really getting me down'. This would alert us to the fact he's a samaritan...after no mention during the call. There's the twist. The irony of him being at the same level of depression as some of his callers would be the deal I think.

BUT...yes, I like it and I think it has legs.

I agree it was novelistic, I think I was trying to set the scene as it is for me a very visual gag. But you're right it was very EA Poe.

Sorry about the moaning as well but sometimes it just burns my head out how quiet this section gets. Ten years ago if you had told a writer sitting at home that there was a free to use platform for you to post your ideas they would have bitten your hand off.
I just think this section suffers from apathy and is very uninviting at times.

Joyce I like your take on it, but for me the initial set up seems a bit better, that said I remain unsure myself so thanks for the input.

Why not join a real life writers group and do some courses Teddy. The sketch doesn't work for me as it's target is a bit confused and you have grafted a deus ex machina ending to finish it. At the end of the day it is a sketch and if you are not sure about it, bin it and do another one.

Quote: Lazzard @ September 16 2012, 11:28 AM BST

Not sure why you keep saying this, as your stuff seems to get comments all the time - therefore people are reading it.

Quite. I mean, yuou post up so much material, and we do all have other things to do, you know! ;)

As it is, I think this is a very funny idea, but the end is a bit dull. It has the feel of a Family Guy cutaway joke - "this is a bigger disaster than the time I tried to kill myself": perhaps it would be funny if both parties starting laughing politely about the mixup.

Thanks of for the advice Mark but I don't see the point in joining a weekly/ monthly group of mixed genre writers when there is a national site dedicated to comedy that has a sub section designed for the very thing I need being run 24 hours a day for free.

That said, rather then get frustrated I'll swerve posting sketches and just get back to writing my sitcoms and sending them out in the hope I can convince someone about something.

That way I remain a member and can still surf the boards and step back in and put a few up if the thing gets lively again.

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ September 16 2012, 1:03 PM BST

Thanks of for the advice Mark but I don't see the point in joining a weekly/ monthly group of mixed genre writers when there is a national site dedicated to comedy that has a sub section designed for the very thing I need being run 24 hours a day for free.

If a pineapple doesn't look or taste like a pineapple then it probably isn't one. Have an aim for the material you are writing, if it is sketches think about who is buying them and get feedback accordingly as people do here. There is the Kirrin Island project you could have a go at.

I don't even know what that is? I could have a go at competitions I suppose.
I also think if I offer as much critique as I can about other peoples sketches I will learn myself while I'm at it.
I'm too needy for pasting sketches I want too much feedback, so if instead I switch to being an honest critic I may yet learn.
Thanks for the advice.

You could always try this:

http://www.writingonthewall.org.uk/get-involved/become-a-wowster.html

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ September 16 2012, 3:24 PM BST

I don't even know what that is? I could have a go at competitions I suppose.
I also think if I offer as much critique as I can about other peoples sketches I will learn myself while I'm at it.
I'm too needy for pasting sketches I want too much feedback, so if instead I switch to being an honest critic I may yet learn.
Thanks for the advice.

https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/25427/

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