Scum Fly With Me

We see Richard Branson walking toward an airport check in desk marked 'Easy SOS' and he is furious!

There is a skinhead in a suit behind the counter reading the Daily Star.

BRANSON
"Who the hell are you? And what the hell do you think you're doing?"

SKINHEAD
"Piss off Branson you nonce or I'll carve you up!"

BRANSON
"Don't you dare threaten me; I want to see the owner!"

SKINHEAD
"What for? You buy the tickets off me, we don't use the internet its for f**king peados!"

BRANSON
"I have no intention of flying with you!"

SKINHEAD
"Piss off then!"

Branson storms off and walks past three other skinheads that have pigs on leads. As he does so he can see through the terminal window and there are hundreds of happy holiday makers on the runway; they are all standing around a large BBQ and are being given food and cans of lager by three more skinheads.

As they eat and drink they are guided towards a plane marked 'EASY SOS' by a skinhead woman.

There is also a marquee on the runway and business type passengers are trooping into it and happily trooping out the other end and boarding the plane.

Branson is livid and head to a door marked AIRPORT CONTROLLER as he enters without knocking he walks in and sees two more skinheads in suits and they are putting wads of cash onto the controller's desk, the controller is smoking a cigar and laughing.

BRANSON
"What the hell is going on? You're supposed to be the bloody airport controller"

CONTROLLER
"I am, what's the problem?"

BRANSON
"The problem is these clowns have opened an airline and they're taking all my punters"

As he is speaking Michael O'Leary head of Ryan Air storms into the room with two high ranking officials from Easy Jet and BA.

The controller holds his hands up as he speaks.

CONTROLLER
"Ok listen up, while you're all here I might as well tell you all at once, EASY SOS has been given permission to fly from this airport. It has all the correct paperwork and accreditation so you'll just have to get use to them"

O'LEARY
"I'm not worried they won't undercut us"

SKINHEAD
"Our airline's six quid cheaper than yours and there's no hidden f**king extras, your f**king check in capers as hard to box off as the jumbled up word thing on f**king Countdown!"

BA MAN
"These people are taking all our American trade!"

SKINHEAD
"The yanks are lapping us up, they don't trust you Muppets!"

EASY JET MAN
"You're names to similar to ours!"

SKINHEAD
"Is it f**k!"

BRANSON
"They have got passengers all over the runway, its chaos"

CONTROLLER
"They have permission, they have rented two berths for each jet, one for the jet and one for the BBQ, there's nothing I can do"

BRANSON
"Why the hell are they having BBQ's anyway? And do you know that they're also giving passenger's cans of lager?"

SKINHEAD
"Because you nonce the SOSs in EASY SOS is short for sausage! No one flies with us unless they eat a pork sausage and drink a can of larger. Tell a lie we have a first class marquee, that serves a glass of scotch and a bacon crumpet"

BRANSON
"That's insane, have you any idea of how many people don't eat pork or drink alcohol? "

SKINHEAD
"I'm not arsed, all I know is our passengers feel safer"

O'LEARY
"You won't even be able to carry Muslims, Jews, Sikhs or vegetarians!"

SKINHEAD
"That's a blow!"

BRANSON
"It's racist I'll report this!"

SKINHEAD
"It's not racist, anyone can fly with us, as long as they eat and drink and get past the sniffer pigs!"

The airline owners storm out!

It's clever and I had no idea where it was going but I suspect no one would touch it with a barge pole.
But I have said before on here, I am a very poor judge of whether something is racist or not.
I laughed at the idea of 'sniffer pigs' though. Very Duke Nukem.

Thanks for the read,no one touches my stuff anyway so I'm not arsed. I don't do racism I try to highlight its ignorance.

Oh I wasn't saying it was racist Paddy, not at all.
But we are so used to people taking offence at the slightest hint that I hardly dare broach the subject anymore.

Your writing shows great depth of knowledge - little things like 'double berth' for the aircraft and BBQ area add realism to it and draw you in. (As all good writing should)

Keep pumping it out la' it can only serve to hone your craft. And I love most of what you show here.

Praise indeed, I was not the least bit offended. If a subject matter is taboo then the sketch has to be funny, if its not then it can offend.

Having said that people are to easily f**king offended and coming from a Scouser that's rich!

I hope readers pick on things such as they don't now how to use the internet and they threaten rather than engage and they have an extremely limited vocabulary.

That was quite amusing in a bizarre, yet racially-charged kind of way (strong undertow), but it seemed to be a bit too free in the way it tossed around terms like "nonce" and "paedo".

You'll not that this is simply a comedy sketch there is no undertow overtones or agendum.

That said I will hopefully be able to convey my chain of thought in creating this sketch.

Racists would actually use such an airline and would be joined by people who say things such as 'It is safer?" "They've got their own airlines why can't we?"

In respect of the limited vocabulary of the skinheads and their use of derogatory remarks I find this to be consistent with the type as they act in a manner which mirrors the mindset of an SA member in the 1930's.

The skinheads as such are depicted in their true role which is front of house street thug.

There are of course intelligent racists, although for me that concept is oxymoronic.

However in accepting their existence I have enough knowledge of the type to comprehend that they often manage to maintain an extremely low profile and would not appear in public as such including them would have diluted the reality I was attempting to create.

I made this sketch to display the concept on a basic level. I did not attempt to encompass the entire spectrum of racism.

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ September 15 2012, 6:01 PM BST

You'll not that this is simply a comedy sketch there is no undertow overtones or agendum.

View original

But as this sketch and its author exist within culture, they are subject to the same cultural, political and economic forces that move the rest of the flotsam and jetsam around. Therefore, this sketch cannot help but show the faultlines and anxieties that surround it, as the same forces also impact upon and shape your consciousness. Unless of course you have developed the ability to step outside culture and language?

Give us a break mate I was writing f**king comedy not an open letter to a half baked Melvyn Bragg, I've got better things to do than listen to you chatting f**king bubbles.

I'm sticking to putting comedy up and I advise you to do like wise otherwise whats the point of the site?

The little Guy Debord in me approves of all this sketch terrorism.

I don't really want to get in to the racism thing but if a sketch is done in a certain way then it should be seen as comedy. I'm sure you know the little Britain sketch with the driving instructor police man. that sketch isn't getting at our brothers it poking fun at the institutional racism within the police especially from the 80s.

A lot of people find it funny because they can relate to it.the overtone of your sketch ted yeah it touches on the subject but it doesn't cross the line.

Thanks for that, I have no wish to offend in anyway.