Sitcom Excerpt - Nun the Wiser

Hi; first of two (I'll post the other in a new thread) - it's a radio sitcom about nuns called Nun the Wiser or Old Habits Die Hard (at the moment anyway). Very early draft, looking for savage critique as usual.

Two scenes here, to set them up, Sister Devlin has been told she's to be sent on a mission to a remote the remote island of Herpes.

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INT. DORMOTORY - DAY

CONSTANCE: Herpes?

DEVLIN: Yes, I've been given it by Reverend Mother.

CONSTANCE: I wish she'd given it to me.

DEVLIN: If you really want Herpes I'm sure I could arrange something with one of the local farm hands. In the mean time I need to think of a way out of this Missionary nonsense.

CONSTANCE: I would do it, but I fear Reverend Mother thinks I'm a bit of a duffer.

DEVLIN: Reverend Mother is merely trying to protect you from yourself, Sister Constance. She doesn't want to see you exploited by those who would seek to corrupt you. Fortunately for me, she's even more naive than you are.

CONSTANCE: What do you mean?

DEVLIN: Shut up I'm thinking. What would make it impossible for me to travel?

CONSTANCE: Getting pregnant?

F/X: SLAP

CONSTANCE: Ow!

DEVLIN: Although a spell in the infirmary might just be the ticket. Sister Constance, I could kiss you.

CONSTANCE: It would be inappropriate.

DEVLIN: Quite.

CONSTANCE: I wouldn't mind though.

DEVLIN: Do you ever wish you hadn't said something?

CONSTANCE: All the time. My mum always used to say my brain was like a sieve and my mouth was like a plughole, I couldn't keep a thought in my head, it just flooded out of my mouth. That's why I can't tell a lie or keep a secret so it's best for me to keep busy, busy, busy!

DEVLIN: Sister Constance, you are as full of beans as a vegetarian's pantry but I fear your ideas are as noxious as a bullock's digestive system.

CONSTANCE: I've always been that way. My mother used to say I could reanimate a corpse with my vim and vigour but my wit couldn't blow out a candle. I've always found that if I'm enthusiastic enough, and friendly enough, there's always someone willing to help with the brainier stuff. Like you, you've got enough brains for the both of us. I'm sure you'll think of a brilliant idea in the next few minutes.

DEVLIN: I already have. I'll feign a bout of vertigo, rendering myself incapable of boarding a plane through a fear of heights.

CONSTANCE: That is brilliant, Sister if I do say so myself, and I do, so it must be.

DEVLIN: I just need a catalyst, some reason that would mean I need to access the roof.

CONSTANCE: To get closer to God?

DEVLIN: Again you try and again your mother's words seem woefully inadequate.

F/X: CHURCH BELL RINGS

CONSTANCE: The bell for prayer. We'll have to think of another idea after that.

DEVLIN: The bell tower, of course! I think it's high time that place had a damn good clean don't you?

GRAMS: MUSICAL STING

INT. CHURCH - DAY

F/X: WHISPERED PRAYER

CONSTANCE: ...And Lord, please look over Sister Devlin who needs your guidance and because she's my friend. Thanks God, take care. Oh, Amen sorry. Oh there you are, Sister Devlin. You have a mop and bucket.

DEVLIN: This is more than just a mop and a bucket, dear Constance. This is a ticket to Chillsville in the infirmary, and a kiss goodbye to any further foreign missions.

ANGELICA: What's this, Sister Devlin? It looks like physical labour to me. My, my what could you be after?

DEVLIN: Ah, Sister Angelica how is life behind a desk?

ANGELICA: Most rewarding, Sister. Especially when I get to sign the form authorising your mission to Herpes.

DEVLIN: Of course. No doubt it was you that suggested my name for candidacy to Reverend Mother?

ANGELICA: The Mother Superior may think the sun shines out of your Amens, Sister Devlin but I know better.

DEVLIN: My Amens will be the least of your worries when you are committed to the infirmary with an acute case of mop handle up the bum. Out of my way, Angelica.

F/X: MOP AND BUCKET CLATTERING, WATER SPLASHING

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Not really getting a feel for this, the initial dialogue is strained and sounds unreal, to the point that it is off putting. That said the effort alone is worth a critique but if I was being blunt I'd file this one under howler.

That is in no way to say stop writing or indeed imply that you don't have a sitcom in you, but this one lacks most of the basics including the humour.

I am guessing you are a Blackadder fan? The characterisation and dialogue are in danger of being a little derivative. Having said that it is a tricky style to pull off and you are not missing the mark by a mile, though a lot of polishing is needed to remove some of the clunkiness.

A sitcom about nuns could have legs.

No gas and gaiters.

Yes, the dialogue is clunky I agree. The character dynamic is the one used in Blackadder, well spotted. I am wary of being derivative.

Hmm... Back to work.

I'm glad you're sticking at it, I never meant any malice but I wasted enough time extending stuff that I should have binned from the outset to speak expertly on the subject.

None taken. And I've tried and failed with the best of them.

Quote: Tursiops @ September 4 2012, 9:13 PM BST

A sitcom about nuns could have legs.

View original

Agree with this, I'd love to watch a sitcom about nuns. Having seen very little Blackadder I don't really see the comparison. What I did think though was that the language was very bright and breezy, and the use of sarcasm was witty, that could have been tricky but I think you got the tone right.

I think you are well on the right track if you tweak bits, sharpen the story, oh and post more on here, I'd love to see more.

Thanks, I'm going to keep working on it.

Posting excerpts from much longer projects here is not a great idea.

In order to properly even remotely gauge a snippet of dialogue from such a project, people need to have read (and re-read) the most/all of the project several times, and frankly people (myself included) are unwilling to do that.

This place is much better for the one-liners and the like.

Even a snippet from, say, Bad Education would look "meh" if posted here, with nobody having seen the characters on the TV before.

Get it as good as you can, and spend 70 quid sending it off to one of the script readers.

Quote: SimonWing @ September 6 2012, 4:49 PM BST

In order to properly even remotely gauge a snippet of dialogue from such a project, people need to have read (and re-read) the most/all of the project several times, and frankly people (myself included) are unwilling to do that.

View original

It is possible though to gauge an overall impression from a short sample, it gives clues to whether the characters are two dimensional, whether the dialogue is sound, whether the humour works etc.
If the small sample is bad or good then there's a high chance the rest is in a similar shape....don't know but that's the logic I would use.

You can actually tell quite a lot from a short extract. Which is why if the first few pages are not up to snuff no production company is going to read further.

I would get what feedback you can before forking out for a professional script reading.

Yes, I've been researching the prices and there's several reasonable ones out there. In the past I've relied on other writers I know who have plenty of expreience, but even then they can't offer up all their time for free so it's only ever an overview, however insightful. I think the investment in a professional reader is the only way to progress.

Thanks for the advice everyone.