This is literally the first thing I've written creatively in years. I though it'd be a good idea just to get some words on the page and get you folks to kick my hairless arse!
Who's mum is it anyway?
TWO SOLDIERS SIT ON THEIR BEDS. THEY ARE AT THE FRONT LINE OF A WAR. BOMBS AND GUNFIRE CAN BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND. ONE OF THEM HAS A PARCEL WHICH HE IS OPENING. THE OTHER SOLDIERS LOOKS SAD.
JOHN.
Another package then?
JOE.
Wow, look at this! HE PULLS OUT A BOX OF CHOCS. Oh, coffee creams.
JOHN.
Wow.
JOE.
And there's humbug sweets, I love them. Plus 4 pairs of socks, gloves and this keyring with Ma written on it.
JOHN.
From your mum, then?
JOE.
One of the best. She's not really my mother but we started writing and she said that she didn't have a son and my mum's dead, God bless her, so I sort of got the job,
JOHN.
Lovely. HIS VOICE FLAT. My mother never writes to me. She's moved and I don't have her address. She's done that before.
JOE.
Oh, well, people move on.
JOHN.
Not when you're seven they don't. She never liked me, took me to social services wearing a blond wig and glasses and told me she'd found me tied to a lamppost.
JOE.
A wig and glasses? She must have looked ridiculous?
JOHN.
Not as ridiculous as me. I looked like a nerdy Shirley Temple. She called the Jeremy Kyle show for a DNA test.
JOE
Oh, yeah, more than one potential father - they should put something on the end of it.
JOHN.
No, she didn't think she was my mother.
JOE.
Bloody hell, mate. What, were you swapped at birth by the hospital.
JOHN.
I wouldn't mind but I was born at home. The only other babies around were the dog next door's pups. She used to tell me every day to eat my greens, she just made such a big deal of it.
JOE.
But they're good for you.
JOHN.
What, potatoes? It was her that got me here. Forged my signature for active service in this place and I swear that she only gave me this name so that she could arrange for me to get Dear John letters.
JOE.
Never mind mate. Have a chocolate. They're coffee creams, I thought I told her that I didn't like them. OFFERS HIM A CHOC. JOHN TAKES ONE AND EATS IT. HE SHOWS JOHN A PHOTO OF HIS NEW FAMILY.
JOHN.
They're my favourite. SNATCHES PIC AND GRIPS HIS THROAT. BEGINS TO COUGH. So hot.
JOE.
Steady up, that's my mum.
JOHN.
My mum. GRABS THE CHOCS AND TIPS THEM OUT. UNDERNEATH IS A NOTE WHICH HE TRIES TO READ. Dear John, you always were a greedy bastard and I'm still not sure about those puppies.
but was meant to be the grip of the tampered choc that was hot! Point taken 