Torch script

Football script Scene 1
Mike:I'm going to play Bloody football
Luke: I Hate you I hate you why play football?
Mike: Because I love it.
Andy: I hope you lose lets punch him
Mike: Sorry I love it I am A city fan.

Scene 2
Mike: Alright Lads Who wants to play footie
John: Were going to batter you pillock
Mike Nooooooooooooooooooooo!
Mike: im going score goalllllllllllllllllllll
Lads : BOO BOO BOO BOO.

Scene 3 Bedroom
Mum: You ok love
Mike: Yeah im getting bullied
Door
John Im going to get you bastard its my first so its short

Technically for me the lay out needs spacing just for ease of reading and the pace needs to slow down to give time for the reader to understand the sudden change of venue.
I can feel your determination to produce comedy but I would question the use of existing characters as it is stifling your creativity in being descriptive as you are using existing sets.

Why don't you re write and change all the characters names and describe the settings, it's a good exercise that you would benefit from.

The idea is there the determination is evident now you just need to take the things to pieces and produce the same story and punch lines, but with your own people and places.

I literally don't have a clue what's happening there. has a sort of hideous, incomprehensible beauty of its own, if nothing else.

That's a spark that could become a flame, you can feel the posters desire to get at it, it was mad but the desire is refreshing.

The redraft isn't helping to be honest, your not getting the plot across so no one can grasp what you're up to.
Slow down, think what is it you're trying to say and then slowly lay it out so it makes more sense.

Kall,

I'm intrigued

The re-draft has rendered the thread somewhat challenging for newer readers as they cannot see what you originally wrote. I am extremely curious and want to understand what you are thinking.

This is plagiarised from Descartes's 'Principia philosophiae'.

Kall,

You won't beat us into submission by chucking it our thick and fast.
I presume this is therapeutic for you.

Breathe while you type and pause after every line.
It might then make sense to even you.

Next episode, please.

Quote: Nicky Liar @ August 29 2012, 3:19 PM BST

Kall,

I'm intrigued

The re-draft has rendered the thread somewhat challenging for newer readers as they cannot see what you originally wrote. I am extremely curious and want to understand what you are thinking.

View original

I cannot imagine the reading experience of the initial version being any less challenging than this.

He may well be a piss-taker but it's well funny!

Funniest stuff I've read in ages!