TV Engineer

An oldie.
I thought I'd do a small edit and post just to get back in the swing of things.
Sorry.

TV ENGINEER

SCENE. EXT. LOCATION #1 (FRONT PORCH) /
INT. LOCATION #2 (HALLWAY) /
INT. LOCATION #3 (LOUNGE)

LOCATION #1

A BLOKE DRESSED IN A BOILER SUIT AND BASEBALL CAP CARRYING A PLUMBERS BAG RINGS THE DOOR BELL.

LOCATION #2

TIMID FREDDIE APPROACHES DOOR AND GINGERLY
OPENS IT. BLOKE PUTS A FOOT ON THE THRESHOLD.

BLOKE (Confident voice)

Come to fix yer telly, mate.

FREDDIE

Oh, good. (Thinks: I didn’t know there was anything wrong with the telly). Sorry…who called you to come?

BLOKE

Oh, you know…

FREDDIE

(Thinks: That bastard, he’s broken my telly and not said anything and now I’m gonna have to pay to get it repaired) It was Jez I suppose?

BLOKE

Er…Yeah, Jess, she rang me this morning.

NOW MORE CONFUSED, FREDDIE LOOKS AT THE
ENGINEER MORE CLOSELY. HIS SUSPICION IS AROUSED.

FREDDIE (wave of panic sweeps over him)

(Thinks: Oh no, he’s a burglar and he’s going to hurt me if I don’t let him in but then when I do he’ll hurt me anyway!) Hang on!

LOCATION #3

FREDDIE CLOSES THE DOOR ON TO THE BLOKES’ FOOT AND SWIFTLY GOES INTO THE LOUNGE. FROM BEHIND THE DOOR HE BEGINS ‘WOOFING’ SOMEWHAT UNCONVINCINGLY. HOWEVER, ON HEARING THIS THE ‘ENGINEER’ DOES A RUNNER, FREDDIE NOW CROUCHING MAKING AS LOUD A NOISE AS POSSIBLE WHILST STARING AT THE DOOR. THEN THE LOUNGE DOOR SWINGS OPEN AND AS IT DOES FREDDIE CEASES WOOFING AND BEGINS COWERING AND WHIMPERING. JEZ IS NOW STANDING IN THE DOORWAY.

JEZ

Freddie, you’re in here like this and the front door is wide open. I always knew you were barking f**king mad!

END

You need to tighten it up Gary, at the start don't bother too much with the production details as the thing is in its infancy, get the story in first the directions can come later.

The idea is good, but the approach to the door and the initial dialogue should indicate how timid the guy is.

As it stands the TV repairman IS bogus, so you have to legitimise his visit.

The dog thing is fine it works.

But when Jez enters you need to work on the punch line, at the end of the day it's the pay off and it needs honing.

The story is evident, the plot is realistic, you just need to bring in a bit more humour and work on the punch line.

It's worth your while as it will serve to improve your craft and that's the main thing.

Thanks Teddy,

It was a bit of a throwaway project.

Obviously it should have been a total throwaway.

But it's good to be getting back in the swing!

Gary don't be too hard on yourself lad, there is a nucleus of a decent sketcht there to be sorted.
Have another go, work on the idea, what's the worst that can happen? If you stick at it and end up with a sketch you're pleased with then you've had a result!
Taking things from your head and sharing them is the cornerstone of this section, so if the facilities are there you'd be a fool not to use it.
If you don't like the sketch in its original format approach it from the point of view of the TV engineer and go off on that one.
It's up to you lad, but if it was me I would get the thing in shape just to prove to myself that I am capable.

In a script, describe ONLY what an audience can SEE or HEAR,

They cannot see this:
>(Thinks: Oh no, he's a burglar and he's going to hurt me if I don't let him in but then when I do he'll hurt me anyway!) Hang on!

Solid advice.

Quote: billwill @ August 29 2012, 12:33 PM BST

In a script, describe ONLY what an audience can SEE or HEAR,

They cannot see this:
>(Thinks: Oh no, he's a burglar and he's going to hurt me if I don't let him in but then when I do he'll hurt me anyway!) Hang on!

View original

Normally I would agree Bill however this was written with a lean to the ilk of Peep Show where they can be seen and heard thinking.
Granduer and delusions are two words that spring to mind.

Also the audience can't see settings either yet one still writes them.

Of course, I am not a writer per se so have a lot to learn (even at my rusty years!) and appreciate any feedback if it's given with the proper intent.

Many thanks.

>lean to the ilk of Peep Show where they can be seen and heard thinking.

Then you have to write in how that is done as "Stage Directions" which are much better named "Visual Exposition".

e.g.
A caption balloon appears "Thinks: Oh no, he's a burglar and he's going to hurt me if I don't let him in but then when I do he'll hurt me anyway!"

or

FREDDIE
(voiceover -- audible panicy thoughts)
Oh no, he's a burglar and he's going to hurt me if I don't let him in but then when I do he'll hurt me anyway!

"In a script, describe ONLY what an audience can SEE or HEAR," is a fundamental rule of scriptwriting.

Cheers Bill.

I didn't realise that writing was so technical.
I'm too concerned with writing the funny.
Which means I'm getting it wrong on both counts.