FLAT - My latest attempt at a TV sitcom.

Here's scene one of episode three. Might need to give it time. It's been completed for a while but will post in instalments.

FLAT

Episode Three: COURT

Written by

James L Williams

SCENE 1. LIVING ROOM. INT. DAY. (MONDAY)

MATT IS ASLEEP ON THE SOFA. DAVE IS DRESSED, SITTING ON THE ARMCHAIR. ABI IS DRESSED FOR WORK, AND WALKS IN FROM THE KITCHEN WITH A PINT GLASS HALF FILLED WITH COFFEE.

WE HEAR SIRENS. NO RESPONSE FROM ANYONE. JIM ENTERS, DRESSED FOR WORK.

JIM:
Sirens? Going to work Abi?

ABI:
Yes. Ha bloody ha, Jim.

DAVE:
At least you’ve both got jobs to go to.

MATT:
Oh, will you lot pipe down? I’m trying to get some sleep here.

JIM:
You’re always asleep. I slept like a log. No sex noises – have you two had a fight?

MATT:
I don’t want to talk about it Jim.

ABI:
(DRAINING DRINK) Ok guys; Matt. I’m off. Laters. (EXITS)

DAVE:
She seemed a little, er, cagey this morning. She put twice as much Pro Plus in her coffee.

JIM:
She can put barbiturates in her coffee for all I care.

DAVE:
Still, at least she’s got a job to go to.

JIM:
Shut up Dave.

DAVE:
I’m really not sure it’s healthy for me to spend all day here, thinking about it. Maybe I’ll go for a little walk.

JIM:
Maybe you should have done your job properly. Then they wouldn’t have told you you had to go for a walk.

DAVE:
It’s a disciplinary review. It’s not as easy as it looks, being a recruitment consultant. Nobody wanted to take any of the jobs I offered them. In fact most of them were at work when I rang.

JIM:
What were those sirens?

DAVE:
I don’t know – maybe you should have a look. I hope it’s nothing serious.

JIM:
I do. Might be a story. Maybe someone’s died.

JIM LOOKS OUT OF THE CURTAINS

JIM:
Damn, can’t see what’s going on. Someone has to be at least maimed.

DAVE:
I thought you were at the Crown Court today.

MATT:
Eh, your new boss isn’t going to be happy, is he, if you go running off after something else.

JIM:
I’m a reporter, it’s my job. And I can’t be in two places at once. Dave, you’ll have to go.

DAVE:
Eh? Sorry? What?

JIM:
An alien concept: I’m using my initiative. I’ll cover this; you toddle off to court. Now record everything that’s said - everything. No mistakes.

DAVE:
‘No mistakes’: I can’t do that! And I can’t write quickly enough, can I?

JIM:
Walk in, take your ‘phone with you, put it on record and when they’re finished switch it off and ‘phone me.

DAVE:
I thought it was illegal to carry recording equipment into court. Can’t you get sent to prison for that?

JIM:
No. And even if you did, it wouldn’t be for very long. You’ll have to be careful, won’t you?

DAVE:
Why can’t I walk down the road to see what happened?

JIM:
Because that’s real journalism – you have to ask the right questions. Sit in court, record everything - it’s foolproof.

DAVE:
Jim, really, this has got disaster written all over it - in permanent marker. I really can’t do it. And anyway, my ‘phone’s still broken.

MATT:
Hey, you can borrow mine. It’s new, right. It’s got everything. Gadgets, gizmos, camera, voice recorder.

DAVE:
(ANNOYED) Wow, thanks Matt!
Hang on a minute - did you buy this on Ebay?

MATT:
I did actually.

DAVE:
I’m not using it.

MATT:
It works fine.

DAVE:
I thought you only just got it!

JIM:
Take mine if his is no good.

MATT:
Don’t worry! I road-tested it yesterday. Man, you’re a bag of tension, you are.

JIM:
What did this road test involve? Listening to all the ring tones?

MATT:
There’s some good ones actually. Here you are - listen to that! A dripping tap! Probably drive you mad though. (SHOWS DAVE THE MOBILE) Look, that one’s the on/off button, here, right next to the speakerphone button.

JIM:
God knows why you need a mobile ‘phone anyway, Matt. You’re practically agoraphobic. If we nailed your mobile to the fridge you’d answer within two rings.

DAVE:
Jim, listen, Jim! I really can’t do it. I fall to pieces with things like this. I’ll be in court! Courts are pretty scary.

JIM:
You’ll be fine. You’re bound to get a story. Death and destruction follow you round like a bad smell. How do you get it to voice record?

MATT DEMONSTRATES

JIM:
Easy. Right, you need a bag.

DAVE:
I don’t have a bag.

MATT:
My bag’s just there.

DAVE:
Matt, just, will you stay out of it?

JIM PUTS SOME OF HIS PAPER IN THE BAG.

JIM:
And have a shave before you go.

MATT:
Here you are.

MATT TAKES HIS SLIPPERS FROM THE BAG, TURNS ONE UPSIDE DOWN AND CATCHES THE RAZOR INSIDE.

DAVE:
Is that where you keep your razor?!

MATT:
Ha, I know, I can’t think of anywhere else to put it. Keeps me on my toes, though, I tell you!

JIM:
I’m surprised you’ve got any toes left.

DAVE:
I already had a shave this morning.

JIM:
Do it properly this time. You’re supposed to do your whole face, not a random selection. You look like a burns victim. (CHECKS WATCH) There’s no time anyway, you’re going to be late.

JIM BUNDLES DAVE OUT OF THE FRONT DOOR.

DAVE:
Hang on a second here Jim –

THE FRONT DOOR SLAMS. JIM RE-ENTERS.

JIM:
Probably got time for a cup of tea.

OPENING CREDITS

I know you've been very nervous about posting this, so good luck! Very quick and sharp in setting up the storyline for the episode and you can see where it is going; also, you made it clear what the relationships between people were without going over it too much....being episode 3, you'd expect people to know already, but you've done it well to reinforce that without it feeling like your baby feeding them...does that make sense?

Anyway, I'll leave the proper crit to others for now while I decide on the rest of my opinion

A good flowing read, James.

Not fun packed but suggests farcial times ahead.

Do please post some more.

Yeah, I'm glad there's a sense of anticipation there. My main worry for the opening is that isn't choc-a-bloc with jokes - interesting this exact mood has been reflected! I haven't gone for the laugh-a-minute 'gag' style in this sitcom that I was emulating with some of my earlier attempts at the sitcom... hopefully the payoff will be sufficient as it goes on...

Quote: James Williams @ January 29, 2008, 12:10 AM

I haven't gone for the laugh-a-minute 'gag' style in this sitcom

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Good! I know it sells very well, but for me, I'd much rather have a story that makes me laugh than be bombarded with some hit, some miss jokes.

Must admit after having read your other sitcom script you posted I was suprised that this seemed very light on humour. The dialogue is very good, perhaps a little too realistic in that characters are a little to aware. Reads more like a gritty 'This Life' type drama than a sitcom to me at the moment.

The story is obviously carefully plotted, and seems to be going toward a nice visual gag. Personally I love gag laden sitcoms but then again what the crap do I know.

Also since this is episode 3. Can I assume from that you've finished 3 whole scripts?

Quote: Rob B @ January 29, 2008, 12:37 AM

Must admit after having read your other sitcom script you posted I was suprised that this seemed very light on humour. The dialogue is very good, perhaps a little too realistic in that characters are a little to aware. Reads more like a gritty 'This Life' type drama than a sitcom to me at the moment.

The story is obviously carefully plotted, and seems to be going toward a nice visual gag. Personally I love gag laden sitcoms but then again what the crap do I know.

Also since this is episode 3. Can I assume from that you've finished 3 whole scripts?

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Yeah, and a 4th, and outlines for the other 2.

Very, very interesting response. It is a break from the gag-a-min stuff, and that's conscious. It is carefully plotted too, but I am very surprised that anyone can pick up on this...I suppose the expository nature of this scene is obvious. I like that you think the dialogue is realistic, as this is what I was aiming for. Seriously, bear with it and there will be, to my mind at least, some "laugh out loud" moments. In this one I do aim to derive a lot of humour from the characters just acting to type, but there is farce action too.

I am interested in opinions over the whole episode and advice on how to make certain sections more humourous.

Good start mate. After reading it a couple of times I got a good idea in my head of Jim and Dave's characters, and they're nicely consistent throughout. The Matt character seemed a bit plain to me though. Maybe it's because he's half asleep in this scene? But it just seems like he's only there to give Dave a phone. He maybe a better defined character in your other scenes but I'd cut him from this one.

And Dave's fairly quick acceptance that he's going to be doing Jim's job today didn't feel right to me. I'd make him at least owe Jim some money or something to give him a reason. He does protest a bit but it's more about the details than actually going.

It was amusing, enjoyable dialogue and I'm interested to see where the story goes.

I hope you don't think I'm being too picky, just thought I'd give you my feedback seeing as I like your other stuff.

Not at all. I think I'd maybe be even more critical from a first/second/whatever reading... I actually even thought myself just before posting "actually Dave's being a bit of a wimp" in only protesting on the minutiae rather than the actual act of doing Jim's job for him (!!) but I do, and did, think it's his character - he is an appalling, appalling wimp. We'll see in the next few scenes, anyway. It is a good point though and as you picked up on it I may redraft it a bit. Good feedback.

Matt: in my head he's Welsh. Now, for me as well as anyone else that's a bugbear due to the proliferation of painful "make 'em Welsh, they must be funny" characters in sitcoms. But in my head he really does have a voice and in the next few scenes *hopefully* it'll be on display. Possibly substitute any regional accent. I'm *very* grateful of the critical feedback - thank you very much for taking the time. (I wouldn't post if I thought it were perfect.) Obviously an accent does not a character make, but it helps it on my head. Hopefully he'll shine through a bit in the later sub-plot.

Quote: James Williams @ January 29, 2008, 12:54 AM

Yeah, and a 4th, and outlines for the other 2.

Very, very interesting response. It is a break from the gag-a-min stuff, and that's conscious. It is carefully plotted too, but I am very surprised that anyone can pick up on this...I suppose the expository nature of this scene is obvious. I like that you think the dialogue is realistic, as this is what I was aiming for. Seriously, bear with it and there will be, to my mind at least, some "laugh out loud" moments. In this one I do aim to derive a lot of humour from the characters just acting to type, but there is farce action too.

I am interested in opinions over the whole episode and advice on how to make certain sections more humourous.

View original

I'm not sure realistic dialogue is a good thing in a sitcom, stupid as that sounds. When you do put in a good one liner it seems wrong because in the real world it would get a response. In a weird way the jokes you have put in work because they're not that funny, more like a real life response, not a carefully crafted throw away line that no real person would ever have said in the instant.

I'm interested to see where this goes, but don't think personally this style will ever really appeal to me in the sitcom format. I can see its going to be clever, and its leading to a visual gag (which I wonder if its as obvious as a phone in court scenario - in which case seperate the phone giving from the go to court scene).

Quote: Rob B @ January 29, 2008, 1:26 AM

I'm not sure realistic dialogue is a good thing in a sitcom, stupid as that sounds. When you do put in a good one liner it seems wrong because in the real world it would get a response. In a weird way the jokes you have put in work because they're not that funny, more like a real life response, not a carefully crafted throw away line that no real person would ever have said in the instant.

I'm interested to see where this goes, but don't think personally this style will ever really appeal to me in the sitcom format. I can see its going to be clever, and its leading to a visual gag (which I wonder if its as obvious as a phone in court scenario - in which case seperate the phone giving from the go to court scene).

View original

Well look at The Office and Curb. Nothing like that, but hey.

I am trying to make the "jokes" realistic and to type, as you acknowledge. But it does crank up a notch.

Just wait and see!!

...

It's well written and pleasing to my eye, as I hate cluttered, over descriptive scripts. But maybe it's too late into the night for me, as I couldn't distinguish the characters from each other. They didn't have an independent voice or rhythm in their speech.

The dialogue is realistic and I do like narratives, such as The Office, Curb ect. But as a writer and reader of scripts, nothing pleases me more, then word play and plenty of jokes to feast on.

I'm putting my "not getting it" on lack of sleep. But I still stand by the blurred characters point.

I'll put it down to lack of sleep too - honestly, they *really are* distinct, with wholly different speech patterns and rhythms as well as points of view. Honest! I have made a distinct effort to make them so - and I really do believe they are.

I will not be so arrogant as to discount your critique... but I *really have* spent a lot of time ensuring the speech patterns are unique, and I think they are! The characters are in my head and by ep. 3 it's natural to me. I'll look over 'em again. Look out for later posts though and be ready to say what I could've done to make the characters more clear in this early scene.

It's too short to get a *real* handle on it, I suppose, and I won't spoil future critique by giving away my opinion on the voices. Hold total fire until a few scenes in.

As already said. Well written, very easy to follow & intriguing. Yes could do with a few gags but the premise is there & you can add one or two later. Tis all you need.

BTW X I already have respect for you as a late-night poster!

Sleeping is for pussies.

Quote: Charley @ January 29, 2008, 2:05 AM

As already said. Well written, very easy to follow & intriguing. Yes could do with a few gags but the premise is there & you can add one or two later. Tis all you need.

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This is what I thought. Shall rack my brains for more jokes. Difficult in a 'naturalistic' style.