Very funny Teddy, I liked it a lot.
The Jones brothers Page 2
Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ August 28 2012, 10:14 AM BSTJoyce I hate to break it too you but you're still prone to waffling and as I was unable to trace your teacher I can offer only this:
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GI hope it brought back fond memories.
In relation to the actual content of your post thanks for the input and I'm glad you didn't think it was too long.
Cow!
Nice one, I could imagine it in a sketch show.
Quote: Ben @ August 28 2012, 9:13 AM BSTThis is too long to be a simple reveal joke and the reveal isn't very strong. The idea of a good/bad set of siamese twins could be a good recurring character though.
Conjoined twins doing a nice and nasty cop interview? That would tickle me.
Quote: Ben @ August 28 2012, 9:13 AM BSTThis is too long to be a simple reveal joke and the reveal isn't very strong.
But the build up is needed, yes it could be chopped down to the bare four lines or so but then that would be a short joke, this is meant to be a sketch.
Thanks for that Nicky.
If I may say so your photo puts me in mind of a TV detective.
Not a street wise bitter urban cop but a decent steady methodical cop from the Shires.
A man who's as comfortable talking to the vicar under bunting as he is at tracking down killers who leave corpses in village pond.
I can see you now in the village hall giving a foxy redhead social worker the eye across a room packed with people desperate to find out who is ramming scones down peoples necks before ducking them in the pond until they're stone dead.
You'd need a gimmick of course, thanks to the Olympics bikes are back so you could cycle around the narrow streets of the village quicker than a cop car.
We could also see your bike early morning outside various cottages belonging to foxy women.
In your first case you could out cycle a cop car courtesy of ramp made from an abandoned farm door that is for some reason laying near the stream that needs leaping.
In the last scene at the village fete you could arrive late via the village bowling green only to find that all the villagers have got their hands up in the air. At first you go rural minded and presume that they're Morris dancing.
Then the cop kicks in! You understand instantly that the up till now trusted deputy headmaster has a gun and is holding the fete goers hostage in order to explain why he did the murders?
In a double Olympic band wagon you grab a bowl from off the green and produce a dead eye shot putt that is at least 200 meters long and hits the deputy headmaster on the head.
Sadly as the bowling ball is made of a solid South American hardwood the deputy head is a virtual cabbage in the hospital so no one may ever find out why he did it.
You however get the chance to explain the deputy heads reasons for killing half the village.
But you do it at your own pace, in front of a log fire sipping brandy with the Hospitals Chief Surgeon who just so happens to be red headed and very foxy.
Then as the rain lashes against the lead patterned glass of the Chief Surgeons out rightly owned 17th century cottage with full interior refurb that is ultra modern in facilities yet has not detracted from the over all Jacobean feel.
You walk over to the window snifter in hand and look out forlornly as you speak sensitively
"You know I can almost understand why he rammed those scones down the victims necks, I think I'm getting to close to this job"
The Chief Surgeon/ fantastic home owner/ fox / dim lighting expert, looks over from the couch holding her brandy and utters the immortal words"
"You can't ride home in this weather, you'll have to stay"
At this point you whip out a pack of condoms and a bike lock and wink at the camera!
Or am I reading too much into your photo?
This one doesn't really work for me, I'm not sure I'm quite getting it.
Are we supposed to think that the are the same person before the reveal?
No you're made conversant with the fact that they're brothers in order to detract from the similarity of their facial appearance.
However Steve Sunshine I know you're normally on the ball so I have to admit I should have give one a mustache in order to further ensure that there was no confusion.
Quote: Shandonbelle @ August 28 2012, 10:48 AM BSTBut the build up is needed, yes it could be chopped down to the bare four lines or so but then that would be a short joke, this is meant to be a sketch.
The preceding lines don't really build any tension though. It's just the same lines over and over. I don't see it as being any more than a quickie as the joke is - one man pleads his innocence, one man says he's glad to do it and then the rug is pulled from under our feet with the reveal they're siamese twins. To be longer it needs a little more depth or at least a payoff which blows the audiences minds.
Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ August 28 2012, 9:48 AM BSTI also find that with repetitive characters one can tend to create sketches that do not stand up on their own merits as a sketch but require the reader to know the 'Back Story' This would then would require the site to create a 'Clique' section alongside 'Critique' section to create a place were everyone knows the backdrop and sketches can be more haphazard in their approach.
Well the key is to create characters where you don't need to know their backstory. Harry Enfield's 'Only me!' character has no backstory. You just know he's a dickhead the moment he walks onscreen.
Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ August 28 2012, 11:37 AM BSTNo you're made conversant with the fact that they're brothers in order to detract from the similarity of their facial appearance.
Yes I see the mention now.
Could it, should it be earlier in the sketch maybe?
Thanks for the feedback Ben, but to be honest these are just basic sketches that I make up as I open each new thread.
As such they can often appear almost lazy and sloven in relation to there structure.
I fully understand that I am placing a thing in a critique section and that people will see better ways of structuring and in 9 cases out f 10 they'll be spot on in their assertions. So I can understand your desire to dissect and inspect in order to create something akin to acceptable.
But for me it's simply about having the idea or notion expounded in order to gauge my range or appeal if you will.
As for Harry Enfield, the fact that he eventually managed to create one succinct character in someones eyes comes as no surprise as even a broken clock is right twice a day.
Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ August 28 2012, 11:13 AM BSTThanks for that Nicky.
If I may say so your photo puts me in mind of a TV detective.
Not a street wise bitter urban cop but a decent steady methodical cop from the Shires.A man who's as comfortable talking to the vicar under bunting as he is at tracking down killers who leave corpses in village pond.
I can see you now in the village hall giving a foxy redhead social worker the eye across a room packed with people desperate to find out who is ramming scones down peoples necks before ducking them in the pond until they're stone dead.
You'd need a gimmick of course, thanks to the Olympics bikes are back so you could cycle around the narrow streets of the village quicker than a cop car.
We could also see your bike early morning outside various cottages belonging to foxy women.
In your first case you could out cycle a cop car courtesy of ramp made from an abandoned farm door that is for some reason laying near the stream that needs leaping.
In the last scene at the village fete you could arrive late via the village bowling green only to find that all the villagers have got their hands up in the air. At first you go rural minded and presume that they're Morris dancing.
Then the cop kicks in! You understand instantly that the up till now trusted deputy headmaster has a gun and is holding the fete goers hostage in order to explain why he did the murders?
In a double Olympic band wagon you grab a bowl from off the green and produce a dead eye shot putt that is at least 200 meters long and hits the deputy headmaster on the head.
Sadly as the bowling ball is made of a solid South American hardwood the deputy head is a virtual cabbage in the hospital so no one may ever find out why he did it.
You however get the chance to explain the deputy heads reasons for killing half the village.But you do it at your own pace, in front of a log fire sipping brandy with the Hospitals Chief Surgeon who just so happens to be red headed and very foxy.
Then as the rain lashes against the lead patterned glass of the Chief Surgeons out rightly owned 17th century cottage with full interior refurb that is ultra modern in facilities yet has not detracted from the over all Jacobean feel.
You walk over to the window snifter in hand and look out forlornly as you speak sensitively
"You know I can almost understand why he rammed those scones down the victims necks, I think I'm getting to close to this job"
The Chief Surgeon/ fantastic home owner/ fox / dim lighting expert, looks over from the couch holding her brandy and utters the immortal words"
"You can't ride home in this weather, you'll have to stay"
At this point you whip out a pack of condoms and a bike lock and wink at the camera!
Or am I reading too much into your photo?
Teddy, please write the rest of my life, the one I'm living at the moment is lacking foxy redheads. In the spirit of reciprocity, from your avatar I would guess that you are a retired Welsh lady that supports Leeds United. On a serious note you are uncannily close. Do I know you?