Aid and I are pleased to present the first five scenes from our latest situation comedy, entitled 'The Librarians'.
All comments welcome.
(In BBC format)
SCENE 1. EXT. TRAFFIC. MORNING
ROGER ON MOTOR SCOOTER RIDING SLOWLY ALONG ROAD. HE SEES ANNETTE WALKING ALONG ON PAVEMENT. PULLS TO A HALT ALONG SIDE HER. GESTURES HER TO GET ON THE BIKE. WITH HER BODY LANGUAGE INDICATING SOME EXCITEMENT, SHE TAKES THE SPARE HELMET FROM THE LUGGAGE BOX, PUTS IT ON, CLIMBS ON BEHIND ROGER, TAKES OF HER SHOES, PUTTING THEM IN HER BAG AND SNUGGLES UP TIGHTLY TO ROGER. THE SCOOTER PULLS AWAY AND IMMEDIATELY TURNS INTO SMALL PARKING SPACE DIRECTLY ADJACENT TO A BACK DOOR OF A LIBRARY.
THEY GET OFF, ANNETTE HAVING PUT SHOES BACK ON. BOTH TAKE OFF HELMETS AND PUT THEM IN THE LARGE LUGGAGE BOX. ROGER LOCKS IT. ROGER THEN STEPS UP TO THE DOOR AND BEGINS BANGING ON IT.
FX. DULL BANGING SOUND IN BACKGROUND.
ANNETTE WALKS TO FRONT OF BUILDING, THROUGH DOUBLE DOORS. SHE THEN WALKS DOWN TWO FLIGHTS OF STAIRS TO A GATED LIFT. SHE SLIDES THE GATE, ENTERS THE LIFT, CLOSES THE GATE AND PRESSES A BUTTON. LIFT DESCENDS FOR A NUMBER OF FLOORS, DENOTED BY CHANGES IN LIGHT. LIFT STOPS, ANNETTE GETS OUT.
FX. BANGING SLIGHTLY LOUDER.
ANNETTE WALKS THROUGH A SERIES OF DIMLY LIT CORRIDORS TO ANOTHER SET OF DOUBLE DOORS. SHE ENTERS A STEAMY BOILER ROOM, WHICH IS INHABITED BY A FEW LARGE GENTLEMEN OF MEDITERRANEAN APPEARANCE WEARING ONLY TOWELS, AND WALKS TO THE REAR OF THE ROOM AND OUT THROUGH A DOOR. SHE DESCENDS FOUR FLIGHTS OF METAL STAIRS WHICH LEAD TO ANOTHER DOOR WITH AN EMERGENCY EXIT SIGN AND LIGHT ABOVE IT.
FX. BANGING LOUD.
SHE PUSHES THE HANDLE BAR TO OPEN THE DOOR.
(EXT.) ROGER FROM BIKE OUTSIDE BY DOOR. HE STOPS BANGING DOOR AS DOOR OPENS.
ROGER WALKS IN
- - - - - - -
SCENE 2. INT. LIBRARY COUNTER. MORNING
QUIET SAVE FOR THE RUSTLING OF TURNING PAGES. TWO CHARACTERS AT WORK BEHIND A COUNTER WITH PILES OF BOOKS ON.
MR NORTON (In a superior tone)
So, whom do you favour for the Booker Prize, Roger?
ROGER
I dunno. I’m more a magazine man myself.
MR NORTON
Really Roger, you mean like ‘Horse and Hound’?
ROGER
Well you do see the occasional dog now and again.
MR NORTON
Ah splendid, there’s nothing like a bit of nature.
ROGER
Oh, there’s plenty of that.
MR NORTON
Actually that’s given me a good idea. Maybe we should introduce some of ‘your magazines’ to the reference section.
ROGER
I’m not sure that is a good idea Mr Norton.
MR NORTON
Nonsense Roger. On a dreary day like today, those magazines will help young fellows like you keep their pecker up.
ROGER
That’s what I’m afraid of.
MR NORTON
So run a few of the magazine names past me.
ROGER
You’re serious?
MR NORTON
Of course. This will be just the thing to get people to come.
ROGER
Well that’s certainly one way to go about it!
MR NORTON
Names Roger, names.
ROGER
(Eager to play along) Okay then… Fiesta… Mayfair…..Hustler.
MR NORTON WRITES THE NAMES DOWN ON A PAD
MR NORTON
Fiesta, excellent. Hopefully will give people an insight in to how other nations party; Mayfair, hmmm, London’s very exclusive West End. Like It; Not sure about Hustler though. We don’t want to be seen advocating gambling or nefarious criminal activity. What would people think?
ROGER
You’ll be surprised.
MR NORTON
Oh, I doubt it. Literature is for learning and entertaining but we want to maintain a certain level of morality Roger. I remember when at school, my fellow pupil, Justin Hayward, the well-known lead singer of the marvellous Moody Blues, and I used to discuss the merits of initiatives like this. (Beat) The powers that be will surely see things in this library grow before their eyes, leading to bigger things for some of us.
ROGER
You may be right Mr Norton. This could well go down in the annals of Library Folklore.
MR NORTON
Well, Roger, just use me as an example. I am foresighted enough to see members getting up and taking advantage of what’s on offer.
ROGER
If you put these magazines out they certainly will.
MR NORTON
Excellent. Now how about you go and tidy up geology section.
ROGER WALKS AWAY FROM COUNTER
- - - - - -
SCENE 3. INT. LIBRARY.
MR NORTON BEHIND COUNTER, ATTEMPTING TO COMPOSE MUSIC WITH THE AID OF A SMALL KEYBOARD ON THE COUNTER AND A MUSIC SCORE SHEET.
MEMBER OF PUBLIC COMES UP TO HIM AND PLACES TWO BOOKS ON THE PAPER MR NORTON IS WRITING ON. MR NORTON LOOKS UP AND FORCES A SMILE. HE PUTS HIS INDEX FINGER UP AS IF TO GESTURE ‘ONE MINUTE’ AND HITS A ‘FLAT’ SOUNDING NOTE. MR NORTON NODS, NOTES ON THE SCORE AND PUTS HIS PENCIL DOWN.
MR NORTON
I presume you’re bringing these back, are you?
MAN 1 (dressed as a clown)
Yeah.
MR NORTON OPENS THE TOP BOOK TO THE ‘BRING BACK BY’ PAGE. HE THEN DOES THE SAME WITH THE OTHER BOOK.
MR NORTON
Ah, this one’s overdue. There’s a small fine I’m afraid.
MAN 1
There can’t be. I took them out at the same time.
MR NORTON
I see. Okay, I’ll just check…
MR NORTON TAPS AT THE WRONG KEYBOARD AND PLAYS SOME ‘IFFY’ NOTES.
Oops! Hmmm, that sounded pretty good. Tut, what were those notes?
MAN 1
Erm, excuse me…
MR NORTON
Oh…right…sorry.
MR NORTON TYPES ON THE PC KEYBOARD ON THE COUNTER AND EXAMINES THE DATA ON THE MONITOR.
No, as I thought. I’m sorry sir. We are equipped with the latest technology. It cannot show an error.
MAN 1 (no longer dressed as clown)
Well it bloody well is!
MR NORTON (now dressed as clown)
Please sir. We really should be prepared to pay for our mistakes and in your case literally.
MAN 1
I agree. But I never made a mistake.
MR NORTON
What, never?
MAN 1
No…I mean…not now!
MR NORTON
But sir, it clearly says…
MAN 1
Yes I can see what it says but…Oh never mind. How much?
MR NORTON (no longer dressed as clown)
That’s two days at twenty pence per day that’s (uses calculator)…Forty pence sir.
MAN 1 (dressed as clown again)
(Intending to be ‘clever’) Look I haven’t any cash. Do you take credit cards?
MAN HOLDS OUT CARD. MR NORTON REACHES FOR CARD ONLY FOR CARD TO SPRING BACK TO MAN 1.
MR NORTON
Sir?
MAN 1
Oh, sorry. Habit.
MAN 1 TAKES OUT A GENUINE CARD AND HANDS IT TO MR NORTON.
MR NORTON
Oh, not a problem sir.
MAN 1 IS SURPRISED AND DISAPPOINTED BY MR NORTON’S NON-RESPONSE. MR NORTON GETS AN OLD TYPE SWIPE MACHINE FROM UNDER THE COUNTER AND BLOWS OFF A SMALL COVERING OF DUST IN DIRECTION OF CUSTOMER. HE PLACES CARD IN MACHINE, SWIPES IT, WRITES AMOUNT AND PRESENTS VOUCHER AND CARD ON COUNTER TO MAN. HOLDS PEN OUT TO MAN.
That’ll be fifteen pounds and forty pence please sir.
MAN 1
What! How much?
MR NORTON
(Smug) There’s a small administration charge for credit card transactions.
MAN 1
You’re beginning to annoy me.
MR NORTON
Oh? I’m terribly sorry sir but I don’t make the rules.
MAN 1
Okay! (Sighs and mutters angrily under his breath) Just give me the card (Snatches it). Right, in that case where are the heavy books?
MR NORTON
Heavy books, sir?
MAN 1
(Fighting back his anger) I mean the reference books.
MR NORTON
(Accentuating pointing) The furthest corner to your left. In the ‘Reference’ section. Coincidence that isn’t it?
MAN WALKS OFF IN DIRECTION ADVISED.
- - - - - - -
SCENE 4: INT. LOCATION #1 (LIBRARY COUNTER) /
LOCATION #2 (OUTSIDE STAFF ROOM)
LOCATION #1
MR NORTON PICKS UP BOOKS LEFT BY MAN 1 AND PLACES THEM UNDER THE COUNTER WHICH IS AT RIGHT ANGLES TO WHERE HE SERVED HIM. AS HE LOOKS UP A MAN CARRYING BOOKS APPROACHES HIM. THE CUSTOMER, MR ANDREWS, ALSO PUTS THE BOOKS DOWN ON COUNTER, IMMEDIATELY IN FRONT OF MR NORTON. VERY DELIBERATELY HE PUTS HIS LIBRARY CARD ON TOP OF THE BOOKS.
MR NORTON
Ah good afternoon.
PICKS UP CARD AND LOOKS AT IT.
Mr Andrews.
MR ANDREWS
Hello. Mr Norton.
MR NORTON
(Alarmed.) What? Do I know you?
MR ANDREWS QUICKLY REACHES FOR MR NORTON’S NAME BADGE. MR NORTON FLINCHES BACK FORCING MR ANDREWS TO LET GO.
MR ANDREWS
Just very observant.
MR NORTON GATHERS HIMSELF.
MR NORTON
Mm. Right, and you’re bringing these back are you?
MR ANDREWS
That is most certainly correct. If you would be so kind.
MR NORTON OPENS THE BOOKS AT THE ‘BRING BACK BY’ PAGE.
MR NORTON
Oh, you realise they are 8 days early?
MR ANDREWS
Well I must be an extremely fast reader then mustn’t I? Not to worry old chap.
MR NORTON
(Aggravated) Not to worry! (under breath) For heaven’s sake, what is wrong with the world? Late books; early books. Whatever happened to punctuality?
ROGER, HAVING RETURNED FROM THE GEOLOGY SECTION, OVERHEARS MR NORTON.
ROGER
It’s over in the grammar section Mr Norton.
THE WHOLE OF THE LIBRARY EXCLUDING MAIN CHARACTERS IS IN HYSTERICS. AFTER 5 SECONDS THEY INSTANTLY STOP AND REVERT BACK TO NORMALITY.
MR NORTON
Shut up Roger. I’m sorry Mr Andrews but it’s my job to ‘worry’. If a man of my position didn’t ‘worry’ there would be absolute anarchy amongst the library fraternity. The computer system is set up for the whole length of the loan period.
MR ANDREWS
But
MR NORTON
(Sternly) I’ve not finished. If people aren’t punctual then we have the recourse of the fining scale. When books are returned early we librarians are left to do untold extra work to correct the system, all be it using the latest technology, being linked as we are to the British Library since they adopted the new MARC 21 cataloguing system in June 2004.
MR ANDREWS
Well, I never thought
MR NORTON
No. Quite. If people don’t want books for the full duration of the four weeks loan period then they really shouldn’t take them. Where are we to accommodate them? We’ve used the shelf space now! Hence the requirement for the borrower to return books at the allotted time.
ROGER
Actually Mr Norton we do have space in the ‘Returns’ section.
MR NORTON
No we haven’t.
ROGER
Yes we have.
MR NORTON
(Insistent) Oh no we haven’t.
ROGER
Ohh yes we have!
MR NORTON
(Sternly) Shut up Roger!
ROGER
I cleared the space myself.
MR NORTON
It’s reserved!
ROGER
Oh no it isn’t.
MR NORTON
Oh yes it is.
ROGER
Look, behind you!
INSTINCTIVELY MR NORTON TURNS, REALISES HE HAS BEEN DUPED AND ACTS AS IF HOLDING HIMSELF BACK FROM HITTING ROGER.
MR ANDREWS
Er…Mr Norton, I don’t mean to heckle your pantomime but…my books?
MR NORTON
(Obviously stressed) What? Oh you. We’re closed!
ROGER
It’s okay Mr Norton. I’ll deal with this. Why don’t you go and have a cuppa with Annette in the staff room.
MR NORTON
Yes. Yes I think I will. Thanks for taking control of the situation, Roger.
MR NORTON COMES OUT FROM BEHIND THE COUNTER AND HEADS FOR THE STAFF ROOM, SHAKING HIS HEAD.
ROGER (Jumping over the counter)
Right you bastard, out!
ROGER GRABS HOLD OF MR ANDREWS BY THE LAPELS, CUT TO LABOURER TYPE AT TABLE HOLDING MILLS AND BOON NOVELLA.
LABOURER
Ssshhhhh!!
ROGER (pointing at labourer)
You’re next!
AS ROGER MARCHES MR ANDREWS TOWARDS THE EXIT THE WHOLE OF THE LIBRARY, EXCLUDING MAIN CHARACTERS, BOOS AND HISSES AT MR ANDREWS. AS THEY GET TO THE OPEN DOORS ROGER LETS GO OF MR ANDREWS AND PUSHES HIM OUT WITH HIS FOOT ON MR ANDREWS BACKSIDE.
ROGER
I’ll have you know that Pantomime was and still is one of the most revered forms of dramatic performance art! Now clear off before I set the locusts on yer!
LOCATION #2
MR NORTON APPROACHES THE STAFF ROOM DOOR. HE HEARS A SHOUT.
MAN 1
Oy!
MR NORTON TURNS ROUND TO SEE MAN 1 SWINGING AN OVERSIZED BOOK THAT HE HAS FETCHED FROM THE REFERENCE SECTION, DIRECTLY AT HIM. IT CATCHES HIM FULL PAGE ON THE SIDE OF THE HEAD/EYE, SENDING HIM CRASHING TO THE FLOOR. MAN 1 STANDS OVER HIM.
MAN 1
I bet that’s the first time a book’s taken you out!
AS MAN 1 WALKS OFF HE PARPS HIS CLOWN HORN TWICE.
- - - - - - -
SCENE 5. INT. LOCATION #1 (LIBRARY RESTROOM. MID MORNING) / LOCATION #2 (LIBRARY COUNTER)
LOCATION #1
THE STAFF ROOM HAS A LARGE PICTURE OF THE PET SHOP BOYS ON ONE WALL. A WARDROBE IS POSITIONED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BACK WALL. MR NORTON ENTERS, HIS HEAD BOWED INTO HIS HAND. HE LOOKS UP TO SEE ANNETTE WITH HER BACK TO HIM, SITTING AT THE TABLE, CUPPING A MUG OF HOT TEA IN HER HANDS, TAKING A SIP. SHE IS WEARING EARPHONES, OBSCURED BY HER HAIR, ATTACHED TO A PORTABLE CD PLAYER. HER BACK IS OBSCURED BY THE BACK OF THE CHAIR.
MR NORTON
That just takes the absolute biscuit!
THERE IS NO RESPONSE FROM ANNETTE.
As I said, I’ve just been assaulted by an imbecile wielding a large copy of the Encyclopaedia Britannica Volume C (beat) abridged.
ANNETTE
Gweiddi.
MR NORTON
Exactly. I mean, is there no safe haven anymore?
ANNETTE
Ddeua CHAN Lloegr.
MR NORTON
What on earth are you talking about, Annette?
STILL NO RESPONSE FROM ANNETTE. MR NORTON GOES UP TO HER.
Are you listening Annette?
MR NORTON TAPS ANNETTE ON THE SHOULDER. ANNETTE IS STARTLED.
ANNETTE
What the f…oh Mr Norton, you made me jump! (She looks at him and sees his black eye) What happened to you?!
MR NORTON
Oh never mind that. What’s this nonsensical gibberish you are uttering?
ANNETTE
Well, I’m going on my holidays next week and I wanted to gen up on the lingo.
MR NORTON
Oh really? Where are you going?
ANNETTE
Rhyl.
MR NORTON
Rhyl in Wales?
ANNETTE
Yeah, have you heard of it?
MR NORTON
Yes I have. You do know that they speak English in Wales?
ANNETTE
Of course.
MR NORTON
So why on earth are you learning Welsh?
ANNETTE (matter of factly)
Well they don’t speak German or French there do they?
MR NORTON
No (beat) you’re quite right Annette (sighs).
ROGER ENTERS REST ROOM HOLDING A BAG OF FROZEN PEAS. MR NORTON IS SITTING IN A CHAIR HOLDING A WET TOWEL TO HIS EYE. ROGER AND ANNETTE START SPEAKING ENGLISH IN A WELSH ACCENT TO EACH OTHER. WELSH SUBTITLES APPEAR AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN.
ROGER (To Annette whilst pointing at Mr Norton)
What do you think of his shiner then?
ANNETTE
Oooh! It’s awful, isn’t it?
ROGER
Many a miner would be proud of that.
ANNETTE
Champion of the valleys wouldn’t you say?
ROGER (In an Indian accent)
That would bring a smile to Anne Robinson’s face.
ANNETTE
Roger, why are you suddenly speaking in an Indian accent?
MR NORTON
Sounds a little like Geordie to me.
ROGER (In an English accent)
INDIAN SUBTITLES APPEAR AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN
Thought it sounded Welsh to me.
ANNETTE (In an English accent)
No that was definitely Indian.
MR NORTON
You know, I could have sworn it was Geordie. Why don’t you play it again and I’ll listen carefully?
ROGER
From what bit?
MR NORTON
I’ll show you.
MR NORTON THEN DIRECTS ALL OF THEM TO THEIR PREVIOUS POSITIONS.
Right Roger lovey, take it from “Many a miner…” And, cue Roger…
ROGER
Many a miner would be proud of that.
ANNETTE
Champion of the valleys wouldn’t you say?
ROGER (In an Indian accent)
That would bring a smile to Anne Robinson’s face.
MR NORTON
No, you’re absolutely right Annette, it’s clearly Indian. What’s that dripping from your hand Roger.
ROGER
Oh right, here you go Mr Norton.
ROGER HANDS OVER PEAS TO MR NORTON
MR NORTON (looks at peas)
Ooh, these are odd. What sort of peas are these?
ROGER
They’re black-eyed peas! ‘Ere, that clown wasn’t best pleased was he?
MR NORTON (placing peas on eye)
Unfortunately Roger there are members out there who can never accept when they are wrong and when they are confronted, resort to violence.
ROGER
So it weren’t because you were being such an arse then?
MR NORTON
I’m not in the mood for your witticisms Roger. Just go and finish geology. And just an observation but who actually is manning the shop?
ROGER
Don’t worry, it’s covered.
LOCATION #2
SHOW LIBRARY COUNTER; PAN OUT TO SHOW ROBIN HOOD TYPES CROUCHED AROUND THE AREA FACING THE COUNTER WITH BOWS AND ARROWS AT THE READY.
LOCATION #1
MR NORTON (doubting tone)
Oh, it is, is it? I think I’ll just go and see for myself, thank you very much.
MR NORTON LEAVES THE RESTROOM
ANNETTE
Actually, the man’s still here. Should we call the police?
ROGER
What, and give the council the excuse they’re looking for to close us down?
ANNETTE
No, you’re right. It’d be bloody typical of this council to use the misfortune of a member of the library staff to further their “political agenda” and profit from the sale of the library.
ROGER (leaning against wardrobe)
Maybe, but what could we do about it?
ANNETTE
Well actually I’ve arranged for a reporter from the local newspaper to come in today for our story. I’ll do all within my limited power to help prevent the closure. (Beat) Oh Roger, pass me my coat will you?
ROGER OPENS THE WARDROBE DOOR AND LOOKS IN.
ROGER
Are you sure it’s in here?
ANNETTE
Yeah, might be at the back.
ROGER DISAPPEARS INTO WARDROBE. CRASHING AND BASHING FROM WITHIN (WARDROBE SHAKING ABOUT) THEN ROGER COMES OUT HOLDING COAT. BOTH HE AND THE COAT ARE COVERED IN SNOW, ROGER WITH CLOTHING TORN AND DISHEVELLED.
ROGER
F**king Lion!
