Sitcom Intro

I know I've never posted on here, so posting in the critique section straight away is likely to rustle a few feathers. But I've been struggling to write an into. I know what characters I want to introduce, but I don't know how an introduction should play out e.g. the number of jokes to put in there. This is my attempt, I would be grateful for any feedback (bear in mind that if you say anything remotely negative I will lash out and never post again)

INT. OFFICE – DAY
BOB IS SITTING ON AN OFFICE CHAIR DIRECTLY OPPOSITE HIS BOSS. THERE IS A SECRETARY SAT AT THE OPPOSITE END OF THE OFFICE BEHIND ANOTHER DESK. HIS BOSS IS LOOKING AT HIS CV.

BOSS
So, you’re C.V. looks fine. You got a first at London Metropolitan, which is about as exciting as a newsnight marathon, but other than that everything looks okay. I’ve just got a few questions I’d like to ask you.

BOB
Of course, go ahead.

BOSS
I wasn’t asking, Bob, so don’t answer me. Why did you leave your last job?

BOB:
Well I didn’t really like my boss, to be honest. He just made mistake after mistake in terms of how he led the team, he was a terrible human being and his condescending attitude left much to be desired.

BOSS
Sooo, in other not so big words, your boss was a bit of a twat?

BOB
Exactly.

BOSS
Okay, well my main problem with that Bob, your previous boss, Dave, as he’s otherwise known, is a great friend of mine. We go back a long time; he’s even saved my life. So he’s not a twat. You are. And as Dave is a friend, a pal, a mate hell he’s a f**king lad, he’s told me a bit about you. That’s right Bob, I know about your secret.

BOB
What secret? I don’t have any secrets?

BOSS
(PATRONISING CALM VOICE) Bobby Bobby Bobby, yes, you do. Hyper sexuality is an awful burden, it’s a curse. And the fact that it has manifested itself in such a way that you have been found masturbating at work is… not acceptable. I understand it even compels you to deny its very existence, is this true?

BOB
What the f**k, no! Dave told you this? I’ve never even heard of hyposexuality and…

BOSS
HypERsexuality.

BOB
Look, this is ridiculous, I’ve never done that at my desk, and I rarely do it at home.

BOSS
(WITHOUT HESITATION) Because you were fulfilling your needs at work…

BOB
No I…

BOSS
Bob. I’m talking now, relax, its okay. I’m willing to let bygones be bygones, the job is yours.

BOB
Really? Okay thanks, thank you so much but you have to understand…

BOSS
(ANGRY TONE, COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FROM CALM VOICE) Bob I told you to let bygones be bygones! Do you know what that means? It means drop the f**king bone, and leave it on the floor! (CALM VOICE AGAIN) Now, all I ask of you is to spread your excitement before and after work, into tissue paper, not the photocopier. (STANDS UP AND OFFERS HIS HAND. BOB GOES TO SHAKE IT AND BOSS QUICKLY WITHDRAWS) Actually, Bob, do you mind if I play it safe. No handshakes, until I know you’re clean. (WINKS AT BOB) Bye bye Bob.

BOB
(SIGHS AND LOOKS AT THE FLOOR, THEN WALKS OUT WITHOUT SAYING A WORD)

BOSS
(TURNS TO HIS SECRETARY WHO HAS BEEN WITNESS TO THE WHOLE SCENE) He’s rude.

I admire your courage and deplore your writing.

Firstly this is conversation ping pong. One person speaks then the other person reacts, one asks than the other answers.

its staccato. Secondly rather than carefully revealing the character flaw or surprise you come out with it.

Which doesn't work. And you're going for excessive crudeness to get a laugh in your first page.

A good rule of thumb is to think how real people speak and then exaggerate it.

The final line is good though. Keep that.

As a sketch it wasn't too bad, as a sitcom, it failed for me I'm afraid...

Thanks for the feedback, even if I did have to Google one or two words. It is fairly crude, but this is the type of comedy I want to write (perhaps not quite as 'obvious' as it is here). Would I be better off saving the real crassness of the boss for later pages?

Also, when you say its static conversation, I can't really think of a way around that in a job interview situation? (a severe lack of real life experiences in this department doesn't help)

Yes I think even the crudest shows need more dark and light than you're using.

It's about contrast.

I think the script is pretty good, actually.

Pretty, pretty good.

The dialogue needs a bit of polishing and sharpening but that's true of all early drafts.

When all is said and done, the comedy rule book doesn't matter if a script is funny.

And this IS funny.

Thanks Veronica. I'll definitely change some of the dialogue to make it a little more subtle, and maybe try to find some scriptwriting competition for instant success and fame.

Also, I nearly missed the Curb Your Enthusiasm reference, I would have had to give up then and there.

Is Bob one of the main characters? Work out who and what he is, his attitude and personality, and make it clear from the off. Here he's just reacting to a mad person but giving nothing of himself away. Here you have a mad person and an empty vessel.

Yeah Bob is the main character, and to be honest the boss is more of a side character. My idea was to have Bob eventually 'make it' with his band, so he can have the satisfaction of quitting from this awful boss (much further down the line). None of this comes across in the opening scene, which is maybe a problem with it.

Perhaps if you start with a quick synopsis of the sitcom then we can gauge whether or not you have been successful in delivering what you set out to deliver...

I'd also give 'BOSS' a name, 'BOB' and 'BOSS' can read a little confusing...