KISS2: One-Liners Page 4

A St Albans indian restaurant has launched a special set meal to celebrate a surprise visit from Tom Cruise. The Valcurry meal deal starts with Mission:Impossible – Gosht Protocol before Vindaloo with the Vampire served with Rain Nan. However some diners have reported that the hot main course can result in an Eyes Wide Shit.

(ref: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-beds-bucks-herts-19353415 )
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The cool, wet summer has seriously affected pollinating insects so why's the government doing nothing about it? #NoPlanB

(ref: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-19353387 )
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It's that time of year again, the day when quarter of a million girls and three boys get their GCSE results.

***** Here was a joke that I have since deleted , due to nature of story that I had only read the headline to before making said joke. *****

Naked pictures of Prince Harry cause press debate. Thank goodness there wasn't a debate at a Catholic Church Service.

Quote: Matt Fishwick @ August 23 2012, 1:38 PM BST

It's that time of year again, the day when quarter of a million girls and three boys get their GCSE results.

View original

Made me chuckle.

I posted a rather harsh critique of one of Matt's one liners here but he has since withdrawn it so only fair that I do too.
Cheers Matt.

Sony has announced that it is closing the UK Wipeout studio. I just hope they let Richard Hammond leave before they do.

These revelations about Harry are shocking, I mean who the heck plays billiards these days?

A film about the South African Police has been released, it's quite violent and carries the warning "Not Suitable for Miners".

Quote: garyd @ August 23 2012, 1:45 PM BST

So you honestly think the subject matter was worth this shit joke?!

View original

Thanks for your opinion.

Quote: Matt Fishwick @ August 23 2012, 1:43 PM BST

The three members of the Jordanian Paralympian squad facing sex charges have been pulled out of this year's Paralympic Games. If only they'd have pulled out earlier, they still could have taken part in the Games.

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Err Matt... You realise that some of the charges involve getting child to engage in sexual acts.

I'm no lawyer, but the case against them sounds quite solid so I reckon they don't have a leg to stand on.

Quote: Judgement Dave @ August 23 2012, 2:03 PM BST

Err Matt... You realise that some of the charges involve getting child to engage in sexual acts.

View original

I had no idea, Dave. I only saw the headline.

Amidst anger that English GCSEs were marked too harshly, students failing to get grade C are virtually speechless #CantFindTheRightWords

Asked about how he felt about English GCSEs being marked harshly, one student who'd just received a 'D' said that he “can't like find the right words to, y'know, describe it, like innit.”.

(ref: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-19355956 )
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Quote: Matt Fishwick @ August 23 2012, 2:06 PM BST

I had no idea, Dave. I only saw the headline.

View original

I guessed that was the case... not like you to go for paedo/rape/nasty/shock gags

AJGO and I have come together, so to speak, to write the following:

Nelson Mandela has responded to reports on his failing health; ‘Apartheid long and hard’

So Kevin Pietersen gave the South Africans advice on how to beat England. What was it, directions to the ground?

The Ecuadorian president has said the sex charges against Assange wouldn’t be crimes in his country. That’s my holiday, screwed.

Neil Armstrong has had a heart bypass operation. It was meant for Buzz Aldrin, but he nipped in there first.

The demand for fish has outstripped the UK supply. Dear cod, won’t someone think of the chilled roe?

Bill Gates is investing in waterless toilets. He must be flush.

Empathising with two emotions often felt by his audience, Hugh Grant has joined the Hacked Off board.

The government’s plan to use a prison as a call centre is flawed. It’s full of thieves and scumbags, and the prison holds a few dodgy characters too.

I can’t believe the Tories are still selling our playing fields. Where will be if we can’t compete at sport? Australia.

For those still confused about their GCSE English results – D comes after C so it’s lower.

I’m glad Tony Nicklinson didn’t commit suicide in the end. Imagine if he’d got to heaven and found himself permanently locked out.

Tomlinson pathologist Freddie Patel has been struck off the medical register – although they only meant to push him gently to one side.

Chris Moyles has commissioned the Spanish Amateur Fresco Granny to do his portrait - after all, she can hardly make him look worse.

To the guy found clinging to the 747s landing gear at Heathrow - you don't get through baggage claim any quicker, really.

And next on KIBC, ‘How do you Solve a Problem Like Syria’ in which 10 confused diplomats fawn round a grotesque doyen of the British Theatre … and then Tony Blair wins unexpectedly.

John Lennon's killer, Mark Chapman, has been denied parole for a 7th time – he still hopes to get out of prison one day. You may say he's a dreamer...

The Education Secretary said that decisions about exam grading are 'made by exam boards'. Exams regulator OFQUAL responded, saying that Mr Gove is corrrect, although he failed to show any working and so his grade of D is justified.

The winner of this weekends British Scrabble Championship has announced that they're planning to celebrate with a night on the tiles.

Two people where caught romping on brighton beach, I was a bit distraught until I saw the man had ginger hair.

Sex? My wife assured me it had been abolished in 1967, so I took up jigsaw puzzles instead, less messy and they always fit in to place.

A man bites a snake to death, I always new those Tesco value chickens tasted a bit slimy.

There is too be a mass burning of Fifty Shades of Grey, well that's one way to put dulux out of business.

OK, Thanks everyone, time's up! Looking forward to reading through all your submissions.

UK papers who didn't publish the Nude Harry Photos, have blamed the Leveson Inquiry's 'chilling effect' - a complaint echoed by Prince Harry about the pictures in The Sun.

(sorry, couldn't resist it)