My first sitcom script, excerpt

I've been writing my first sitcom script, with the motivation of getting it entered into the Sitcom Trials. My problem is that while I know this intro isn't laugh-out-loud-funny I really can't tell if the opening couple of pages are even entertaining/diverting, let alone enough to raise a smile; I've just been staring at it so long I have no clue anymore. So, I would be grateful if anyone would be kind enough to have a read and let me know whether it's ok or pure crap, or could be ok if it had a few actual jokes, or whatever; I have no illusions about my ability so I'm prepared to hear whatever is said, I'd just appreciate any outside views. For what it's worth, the script does liven up after this segment, which I think is the weakest, because things actually happen rather than this stationary chatting.

Many thanks and don't worry, I will take a stony silence in the spirit it was intended Thanks!

INT. CAFE, CLOSED, EARLY EVENING
ABIGAIL is cleaning up the cafe counter. HELEN enters with ZAK

HELEN
Abbie! So glad you're still here. Oh bless your heart, look at you cleaning.

ABIGAIL
I know, aren't I cute.

HELEN
Adorable! Look, I'd like you to meet my new friend, Zak... Zak Mastermind, was it?

Zak
Mantakish actually, it's Warrior in demonoid.

HELEN
Yes, yes, Zak Mantakish. Abbie, he's a real- life exorcist!

ABIGAIL
Oh, interesting, so you're a priest then?

ZAK
No I'm not a priest. Those sanctimonious bastards don't know their arses from their elbows when it comes to demons. Psshh, Priests (note - I'm going to have to make this a funny little rant, I'm working on it.)

ABIGAIL
Right, lovely. So what can I get you both; tea, coffee, wine?

HELEN
Mr Mastermind doesn't have time for that Abbie, he's here to do his job- he's here to vanquish demons and rid the place of this terrible curse that's killing the business!

ABIGAIL
You think we're cursed?! You said we were doing fine! Better than fine- you said 'terrific!'

HELEN
Oh darling, as your friend of course I'm going to say you're terrific. But as your investor and, let's face it, your boss, I have to say- this place is floundering in the mire.

ABIGAIL
Well that's harsh, we've only been open three weeks!

HELEN
And how many complaints have we had in those three weeks?

ABIGAIL
Er, three. But that's not because the bloody building is cursed, it's because apparently I am (ABIGAIL reaches for a letter and reads from it) 'a jumped up little Nigella wannabe with the people skills, and moustache, of Saddam Hussein'

ZAK
Hussein had very fine people skills, actually

ABIGAIL
Thank you!

HELEN
Ok then, what about the stabbing last week?

ABIGAIL
That wasn't a stabbing, it was an accident! It could have happened anywhere!

HELEN
The knife flew out of that poor man's hand and cut into his wife's chest! That's demon's work, Carrie dear.

ABIGAIL
Rubbish! He was sweaty, he was being very robust with the steak, it was a dangerous situation! Jesus Christ, a curse....

HELEN
(to Zak) I'm so sorry about this

Well thanks for reading, if you would like to let me have your opinion on a couple of specific things I'd be grateful:
1. Is it just too gentle? My writing influence is more from the Friends, Frasier, King of Queens type of programme so it isn't 'edgy' or sweary or anything, but is it just weak and soppy?
2. The characters call him a few different wrong names during the script; is that old hat? It can make me giggle when it's done well, and I'm still tinkering with the actual names, but still...
3. The knife accident bit- my feeling is that it's not funny enough to take up as many lines as it does, do you agree? I'm trying to think up a different accident.

I gotta be straight up this isn't very good.

The dialogue is extremely stacato and uninteresting, the characters don't engage. And your 2 female leads seem to be playing dialogue ping pong.

I really can't get a handle on the character of the priest either.

And there aren't any jokes of any description, just sort of funny descriptions of events.

I think you need to start over with this. Define your characters, get a believable situation and make it funny.

Sorry couldn't be more positive.

Don't be sorry, thank you! That's exactly what I need to hear, as I said I really struggle to judge my own work. You've saved me from a drip-feed of bad reviews in the Trial thing

The characters are very defined in my head, but clearly that isn't coming out in this at all. I'm going to forget the trials and just try to write a decent normal episode, and like you say work on writing more rhythmically-pleasing dialogue.

Ta!

Ok character is the most important and hardest bit of any sitcom.

First of all get some notes on them, get them out of your head and onto paper. Don't worry about silly stuff like their favourite colour or breakfast cereal.

Why are they trapped together, who do they feel superior to etc?

Then just write back and forth dialogue between them till you start to feel you're hearing their authentic voices.

Brilliant, thanks again I'm going to do that- I have a few notes on the characters but I'll beef out the interrelationships and definitely write some dialogue as you say.

I've just started reading some sitcom script books (Father Ted, The Office, a few others), Hopefully looking at them more will help too.

What is the premis of the SitCom?
Is the place genuinely haunted - is that what it's going to be about?
Or is the owner an idiot - over-reacting to the poor performance of the Cafe?
Or is Abbie just not good at her job?
And who is it actually about, one of them or all three of them?

The reason I ask is because I don't know - and I should do by this point in the script.
Your job is to make me absolutely sure what I'm committing my half-hour to.
And be funny.

Also - in my opinion, and I know not everyone shares this - reported jokes are a bit of a last resort.
All the "What about the time that bloke...." is a bit tired.
Show something funny happening, don't tell me about something funny that happened the other day.

Hi Lazzard, thanks for your comments- I actually agree with you about the reported joke thing- it's something I've enjoyed in sitcoms I've watched, but only when it's a brief throwaway line in the middle of some current action. I hadn't recognised that until I read your comment but it's so obvious now that I've totally overused that little tactic.

Briefly, the premise was a silly farce based on Abigail's husband recognising Zak as a Reggie Perrin/Canoe Man type from the newspaper, when he actually got stories mixed up and Zak is a far more sinister criminal on the loose. Writing that out I know that it doesn't sound too ripe for humour- I'm going to drop this thing altogether and work on rounding the characters as Sootyj has suggested, then trying to write a regular episode - with actual proper jokey bits- on a more natural subject.

Thanks again for reading, I totally agree with you I just didn't realise it! It's all a bit of a learning curve, I've got a lot of work to do

Hey, I found this really useful for developing characters: http://www.robinkelly.btinternet.co.uk/ccc.htm

It's full of stuff like this which helps you massively to build a fully formed character:

Describe your character's physical appearance. How does he or she dress?
Describe your character's childhood in terms of family relationships, relationships with the key people in his or her youth, lifestyle whilst growing up and education.
Describe the character's current relationship with family, friends and other key people.
4. Describe the character's romantic life and his or her moral beliefs.
What is the character's occupation, and summarise the relationship he or she has with the boss and work colleagues and the character's attitude towards the job.
Describe the character's non-work activities in terms of hobbies, eating and drinking habits, favourite television shows or films, and favourite locations.
Describe the character's philosophy on life.
Sum up the main aspects of the character's personality. How is s/he larger than life (or "comically heightened") yet still rooted in reality, thus remaining believable?
What is this character's main comic flaw? How is it related to the stories you will give the character and how does it get him/her into hot water in individual episodes and in the long term?
Summarise the character's relationship to the other major characters in the script/series. Outline the potential for comic clashes between personalities and what will make these relationships funny.
What is the character's lifetime goal or ambition and why does s/he want to achieve it?
What would your character do if he or she won the lottery?

Hi Chickenellie, thanks for that link it looks really helpful

I agree with the points about the dialogue. People don't tend to need prompting in order to give out information. There seems to be a bit of a question and answer thing going on here. It often seems obvious to use a character to ask questions so you can tell us, the audience, the answers using another character. As I said, not everyone needs prompting to have their say. It's more natural for a person to say something, then run on to say something else about it. Then, you get a more natural flow.

I often read back through my scripts and look out for parts where I get bored with 'listening' to it...where the dialogue just goes back and forth too much. Then, I see how I can condense the information each person wants to give using a larger amount of text. You can easily get rid of the questions in between that are coming from other characters. You can't overdo this either, though...or you'll end up with each person saying pages of dialogue at a time!

You will get to a point where you can 'listen' to your work as you read through it and really like it. Then...you will also be at the point where reading through it again and again doesn't seem like a chore. That's when you know you're happy with it and satisfied you've done the best job you can.

Have a listen to people talking in real life. Maybe I should send you a recording of my family having a 'discussion'. Everyone wants to have their say at the same time and there's hardly a pause for allowing anyone else to but in. What am I saying? There's NEVER a pause!

So...I look forward to seeing anything else you have. Enthusiasm is everything and it's nice to see you have that.

Thanks for that Joyce, those are really good points and I can see better now how ping-pongy my dialogue really is! I think I've focused too much on avoiding characters making one long speech after another, and ended up going right to the other end of the scale.

I'm so glad I posted this, all of the advice has really helped.

Well...like I said, you don't want long, lengthy dialogue, but check out some already established sitcoms. You'll see how much each character is actually allowed to say in one hit and how it makes a conversation flow as a whole. Everyone in reality wants to say their piece and we often start thinking of what we're going to say while another person's still talking. The human brain is amazing. Try to capture that. Consider your own way of conversing.

Good luck with it all!

Yes, people above have said character is everything and they're right. And there's plenty of advice out there about how to generate great characters but marrying it with jokes and a good plot is hard, trust me I've tried and failed enough times.

The best advice I can offer is don't try and think, 'what's never been done before?' because everything's been done before. What you bring to it is your unique voice. If you really love Father Ted, you identify with those types of characters, then that's the kind of characters you'll write best.

A good exercise I've only recently started doing is taking the characters from a favourite sitcom, changing their names and the situation to somewhere else and writing some scenes. It helps me write good character humour because I know those characters pretty well, because I've loved and laughed at them for years.

Worth a shot. Good luck.