Angus Downstairs - Pilot Part 1

Hi - this is the first part of a pilot for a new sitcom concept that I've been thinking about. Please hit me with you're brutally honest best

Angus Downstairs

by Todd Barty

(Angus is at a table in the apartment, finishing dinner. His mother, Ellen, is sitting with him wiping his mouth.)

Angus: Is my face clean?

Ellen: All clean, my little Bruiser.

Angus: Are you sure?

Ellen: Yes, love. You're all handsome again.

Angus: Because mothers can be the worst kind of sycophants.

Ellen: I'm not being a sycophant.

Angus: I just feel like an animal when I eat.

(Scott enter.)

Scott: You look like one too.

Ellen: (Laughing it off.) I'll slap you, Scott!

Angus: Did you read the article?

Scott: Yes, Angus.

Angus: Isn't that shocking?

Scott: Angus, it worries me that you think everything on the internet is true.

Angus: That guy's done his research. He's a good guy.

Scott: I do know the writer personally, so I can't comment on his character, but I find it hard
to believe that the world's ruling elite are an aliens who are working together to create
a new world order.

Angus: Yeah... but it is 2012...

Ellen: Haha... I hope they lower interest rates!

Angus: There are just so many coincidences... it's hard not to believe that there's some kind of
conspiracy out there.

(Harry enters.)

Harry: Alright, Ellen, ready to go love?

Angus: Are you going somewhere?

Harry: Yeah – your Mum and I are off to dinner.

Angus: Am I going?

Scott: No you're not allowed.

Angus: What?

Scott: Of course you are, Angus?

Harry: Actually, you're not.

Scott: He's not?

Angus: What?

Ellen: Oh, sorry, Scotty, I forgot to tell you!

Angus: But you can't leave me here, Dad! They're everywhere...

Harry: What is?

Angus: The aliens, Dad...

Harry: How many times do have to tell you, there aren't any...

Angus: I know I've made a lot of far fetched claims in the past, Dad, but I've read this article...

Scott: More nuttiness on the web.

Angus: There are these aliens, you've got no idea, Dad, royalty, politicians... they're like a coiled
snake... they could strike any time...

Harry: There aren't any bloody aliens, Angus, your Mum and I are going out...

Scott: Harry...

Angus: Dad, you never listen!

Scott: (Aside to Harry.) I thought Angus was going with you tonight.

Ellen: (Over hearing as she calms Angus down.) Sorry, Scott.

Harry: No, mate, this is just Ellen and I. Angus is staying here.

Scott: The thing is, Harry, I've got a friend coming for dinner...

Harry: A girl?

Scott: Yes.
Harry: Oh, no...

Scott: I know.

Harry: Look, fair's fair – I paper, scissors, rock you. Loser keeps Angus for the night.

Scott: Alright...

Angus: (Aside to Ellen.) Mum, I don 't want you to tell Dad I asked, but I'm not a burden, am I?

Harry: (Overhearing.) No, you're not a burden.

Angus: I'm talking to Mum!

Harry: But I can hear you, and you're not a burden!

Angus: Are you sure I'm not a burden, Mum?

Ellen: Of course not, my beautiful boy.

Angus: Dad isn't severing all ties with me by moving me down here is he.

Ellen: No love, we wanted to keep you close so that we could see you everyday.

Angus: Or because of this alien thing?

Ellen: Of course not.

Angus: It's not like when I was a climate change denier, is it?

Ellen: No.

Harry: (Aside with Scott.) Sorry, mate.

Scott: Best out of three?

Harry: Got to be off. He's all yours. Come on, Ellen!

Angus: Dad, I'm scared!

Harry: It's alright, mate, Scotty'll be here with you.

Ellen: Oh, Harry, I'm not sure about this, he's very worked up...

Harry: Ellen, I thought the idea of moving him into the downstairs flat was to make him
more independent?

Ellen: Yes...

Harry: So let's give it a go. Scotty's here with him.

Ellen: Alright, Angus, Mummy and Daddy are off now.

Angus: But Mum, I can't be left alone like this!

Ellen: Scotty's here, he'll look after you.

Angus: I don't want to be a burden to Scott.

Ellen: Don't be silly, little man, Scotty just love's you, hey Scotty?

Scott: Every moment of my day.
Ellen: There you go... you'll be okay.

Angus: Alright, Mum, I just hope you can live with this if tonight's the night.

Ellen: What night, love.

Angus: The night the aliens come.

Ellen: I think I'll be right. Night night, beautiful. Love you.

Angus: Love you too.

Harry: Have a good night, mate.

Angus: You too, Dad.

(Harry and Ellen leave.)

Angus: Oh dear, the die is cast, come what may.

Scott: Angus, there's something that I wanted to talk to you about...

Angus: You know about the aliens, don't you?

Scott: No, it's not about the bloody aliens!

Angus: Oh no, you're angry – you're turning against me already!

Scott: I'm not angry and I'm not turning against you, Angus...

Angus: Are you sure?

Scott: No, I just wanted to confide in you...

Angus: Yeah?

Scott: You know, since you moved into your Mum and Dad's flat with me, we've become like
brothers..

Angus: Yeah... I mean, I know you don't like sentimentality, but, can I say something?

Scott: Go ahead.

Angus: I've really thought of you as a brother too. It's uncanny that you feel the same way. We're
like, soul mates. I mean... not in a gay way.

Scott: I know, Angus.

Angus: Because you know it's not in a gay way, right, you know, I'm a red blooded man, don't you?

Scott: Yes, now what I was...

Angus: Are you sure?

Scott: Yes, Angus!

Angus: Oh, no, angry again!

Scott: No, I'm not angry... and don't say “Are you sure?”

Angus: Sorry, I won't.

Scott: It's just that, I've got a friend coming tonight... a lady friend.

Angus: Do you like her?

Scott: Yes.

Angus: I mean, like her like...

Scott: Yes, Angus, I like her like that.

Angus: Can I meet her?

Scott: I don't think that's a good idea.

Angus: Why?

Scott: Well...

Angus: Do you think I'll scare her off?

Scott: No, it's just that...

Angus: Am I deformed or something?

Scott: No, you're not deformed.

Angus: You're not just being a sycophant are you, I don't want you to be...

Scott: Yes, Angus, you've broken me, you are deformed, you've got a strangely large head and it's
got a very weird shape to it!

Angus: I knew it, I knew it! I'm a freak!
Scott: You aren't deformed, Angus! I was just messing with you.

Angus: Are you...

Scott: Yes, I'm sure! And no, I'm not angry! Look, I just don't want to overwhelm this girl on her
first visit here.

P.S. No offence intended!

Hello Todd,
I'm left a bit confused - I appreciate it's only an excerpt so my comments need to be put in that context. I'm not getting a connection to any of the characters; I'm not sure how I'm meant to feel about Angus - is he so badly treated I'm meant to be sympathetic to his situation, or is he an annoying irritant and I can sympathise with the other characters?

There's a lot of them and I didn't get any sense of their individual voices. Might be worth developing that in some depth. And if it's a black comedy, it probably needs some more absurdity otherwise it's a bit depressing! - there are some funny lines in there but not quite enough to carry it off yet.
Hope those thoughts help,
Alison

This is vey confusing.
How old is Angus?
How old is Scott?
Is Angus ill?

It's also far too long.
You could convey what little information there is and still cut it by 75%.

So, a) it's needs a clearer set up, and b) it needs cutting

Hi, Angus is an Aspergic young adult in his twenties. Scott is a similar age. They are room-mates in the downstairs flat of Angus's parents place. I think part of the length issue is Angus's repetition of himself. I was concerned about this, but it is something that an aspergic friend really does. And yes - he knows about this project!
Thanks for your comments so far, everyone!

It's exhausting reading that. It's just back and forth dialogue leading nowhere and no stage directions.

No humour, character or development your characters are all ciphers.

nb it's Asperger's and I think you need to do more than a little research on the subject.

I know that it's Asperger's - Aspergic is just an adjective we use. I have worked with this young man for many years.
And the story is going somewhere - you must have picked up that Angus is being left at home with Scott when he has a date coming.

Worked with?

The script reads like you don't like him much.

Not at all - he's a good friend. As I said, he knows about this. He and his family have been talking to me about the comic potential in his habits for some time now.

A word to the wise.
Please don't be one of those posters who asks for advice then defends their work to the hilt refusing to take any of it on board.
People will just stop helping.

it's too long - the fact that people with this condition ramble on is neither here nor there.
Just because it's true doesn't make it funny.
And put all the set up you went trough in your response to me IN THE SCRIPT.

Good luck with it.

Sorry to give you that impression, Lazzard, just explaining where I'm coming from.

Quote: ToddB @ August 19 2012, 12:13 PM BST

Sorry to give you that impression, Lazzard, just explaining where I'm coming from.

View original

Fair do's.

It's just that no-one knows where your coming from when they read a script.
All they've got is the script.
And the script has to do the work.