KISS2: One-Liners

Hi Everyone,

The time has come once again to ask for your one-liner submissions for the second Kirrin Island: Summer Shorts!

As has been said previously, we'll be putting out the KISS2 podcast in the next couple of weeks, but to keep things ultra topical we'd like to slot in some up to the minute one-liners.

You can use the same format as before for one liners, but we'd also like to continue with the Kirrin Island Twitter angle, too. So, if you've got any good Kweets that would fit the format for Kwitter, you can do that too. Here's a great example from KISS1:

This appalling summer has been caused by a weather system arriving late and miles from where it should be. #easyjet-stream.

You can post your submissions in this thread any time up to 5pm on Thursday 23rd August.

Here's a first one to get the ball rolling:

I really enjoyed all the music at the Olympics Closing Ceremony, but I'm pretty sure Freddie Mercury was miming.

Thanks everyone, and good luck!

Freddie Mercury even made a surprise appearance at the closing ceremony – the Tories are really harsh judging what hinders someone from working

Take That never charged for their performance at the closing ceremony – at least that’s what Gary Barlow told the tax man

I noticed that all the runners at the Olympics were really cocky and brash. They could do with a slap – if only I could catch one

I’ve heard they’re filming a show called Olympians Wives. It’s about a bunch women holding down four jobs so their husbands can do archery

I was personally delighted when Nelson Mandela recovered from his recent life threatening illness. I've got Prince Phillip in the sweepstake.

Why's Al-Assad like David Bowie? They both sway under Syria's moonlight.
Life begins at 50. Unless you're Michael Jackson.
A new campaign aims to warn punters of travelling salesmen. Went fine till they went door-to-door.
Overwork causes heart disease. Especially if you smoke in the break.
I was in favour of the Spice Girls closing the Olympics, cleared the stadium in no time.
Madonna called her 45-minute, 8-song gig in Paris 'a magic moment'. That sentence also works without the word 'magic'.
Nicholas Cage was banned from a party because 'he just doesn't know how to act.'
Paula Abdul's in the middle of a bad phase. She's 40.
September's coming and it's back to work... My ideal job would be doing absolute bugger all. In an office. Two hours a day. Then plan my holiday and sit in the pub telling everyone I'm God. And earning 30000 quid a month... But FAO's not recruiting at the moment.

"If the CPS are squeamish about anal fisting – God knows what they'd make of David Cameron's pussyfooting!"

"I keep hearing RVP this, RVP that... I guess Rough Vaginal Penetration's making a comeback!"

"The Aberdeen Royal Infirmary's the right place for Prince Philip... after all he is both royal and infirm."

"I once started a pussy riot... to protest the fact that I wasn’t getting any!"

"If cereal bars are unhealthy – where does that leave cereal pubs?"

"Does anyone know if Fifty Shades has a happy ending?"

I love my cat but the recession has hit hard, so it's out with the chicken fillets and in with the own brand cat food.
#ipredictapussyriot

Questioned about his snug fitting trunks, Olympian Tom Daley declined to talk, but under pressure he nearly revealed all.
#budgiesmugglerscove.

I love my cat but the recession has hit hard, so it's out with the chicken fillets and smaller size bras for me from now on.
#ipredictafeministbacklash

Nelson Mandela is 94 this year. Remember it's not too late, to hang him.

Man asks for right to die after failing to access Twitter or Facebook. There's no quality of life with Linked in syndrome.

In support of Pussy Riot IBS society launch a band; anal argument.

Tulisa's back for the X-Factor? I thought she'd knocked it on the head.

There was also heartbreak, in the Olympics, for the South Korean fencer Shin A-lam, who got the wrong end of the stick and wouldn't leave.

Julian Assange should consider himself lucky to face extradition and probable persecution, think what he would have faced had there been places left in the Celebrity Big Brother house.

I'm not sure I agree with the concept of assisted suicide... but if Piers Morgan is up for it I might change my mind.

Me an' my pit bull, cuddles, don't like the news that we may see tuffer sentences for owners of dangerous dogs. How tuff does a sentence need to get? I mean, dangerous! That's 3 syllables.

(ref: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-19312383 )
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Oxford University's right to criticise UK police as “incredibly heavy-handed” for arresting online trolls. In other countries they just stick them under bridges and taunt them with billy goats.

(ref: http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/19269353 )
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A new book by Tory MPs claims that British workers are the “worst idlers in the world”, that the UK “rewards laziness” and that.... err... oh – that seems to be everything. They may have a point – it took five MPs to write that.

(ref: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-19300051 )

Quote: sootyj @ August 19 2012, 7:55 AM BST

Nelson Mandela is 94 this year. Remember it's not too late, to hang him.

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Nelson Mandela left prison in 1990 and made a wonderful speech... Should be good, he had 27 years to prepare it.

I'm so excited to hear that councils are selling off the best homes to reinvest in more new builds, I've got a semi.

The government has admitted this week that it had sold of more play grounds that first revealed. It's swings and roundabouts.

Quote: Matt Fishwick @ August 20 2012, 11:43 AM BST

I'm so excited to hear that councils are selling off the best homes to reinvest in more new builds, I've got a semi.

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