I've been writing my first sitcom script, with the motivation of getting it entered into the Sitcom Trials. My problem is that while I know this intro isn't laugh-out-loud-funny I really can't tell if the opening couple of pages are even entertaining/diverting, let alone enough to raise a smile; I've just been staring at it so long I have no clue anymore. So, I would be grateful if anyone would be kind enough to have a read and let me know whether it's ok or pure crap, or could be ok if it had a few actual jokes, or whatever; I have no illusions about my ability so I'm prepared to hear whatever is said, I'd just appreciate any outside views. For what it's worth, the script does liven up after this segment, which I think is the weakest, because things actually happen rather than this stationary chatting.
Many thanks and don't worry, I will take a stony silence in the spirit it was intended Thanks!
INT. CAFE, CLOSED, EARLY EVENING
ABIGAIL is cleaning up the cafe counter. HELEN enters with ZAK
HELEN
Abbie! So glad you're still here. Oh bless your heart, look at you cleaning.
ABIGAIL
I know, aren't I cute.
HELEN
Adorable! Look, I'd like you to meet my new friend, Zak... Zak Mastermind, was it?
Zak
Mantakish actually, it's Warrior in demonoid.
HELEN
Yes, yes, Zak Mantakish. Abbie, he's a real- life exorcist!
ABIGAIL
Oh, interesting, so you're a priest then?
ZAK
No I'm not a priest. Those sanctimonious bastards don't know their arses from their elbows when it comes to demons. Psshh, Priests (note - I'm going to have to make this a funny little rant, I'm working on it.)
ABIGAIL
Right, lovely. So what can I get you both; tea, coffee, wine?
HELEN
Mr Mastermind doesn't have time for that Abbie, he's here to do his job- he's here to vanquish demons and rid the place of this terrible curse that's killing the business!
ABIGAIL
You think we're cursed?! You said we were doing fine! Better than fine- you said 'terrific!'
HELEN
Oh darling, as your friend of course I'm going to say you're terrific. But as your investor and, let's face it, your boss, I have to say- this place is floundering in the mire.
ABIGAIL
Well that's harsh, we've only been open three weeks!
HELEN
And how many complaints have we had in those three weeks?
ABIGAIL
Er, three. But that's not because the bloody building is cursed, it's because apparently I am (ABIGAIL reaches for a letter and reads from it) 'a jumped up little Nigella wannabe with the people skills, and moustache, of Saddam Hussein'
ZAK
Hussein had very fine people skills, actually
ABIGAIL
Thank you!
HELEN
Ok then, what about the stabbing last week?
ABIGAIL
That wasn't a stabbing, it was an accident! It could have happened anywhere!
HELEN
The knife flew out of that poor man's hand and cut into his wife's chest! That's demon's work, Carrie dear.
ABIGAIL
Rubbish! He was sweaty, he was being very robust with the steak, it was a dangerous situation! Jesus Christ, a curse....
HELEN
(to Zak) I'm so sorry about this
Well thanks for reading, if you would like to let me have your opinion on a couple of specific things I'd be grateful:
1. Is it just too gentle? My writing influence is more from the Friends, Frasier, King of Queens type of programme so it isn't 'edgy' or sweary or anything, but is it just weak and soppy?
2. The characters call him a few different wrong names during the script; is that old hat? It can make me giggle when it's done well, and I'm still tinkering with the actual names, but still...
3. The knife accident bit- my feeling is that it's not funny enough to take up as many lines as it does, do you agree? I'm trying to think up a different accident.