Morning all. Feedback, please?

Haven't posted anything in a while. I wrote this bit for my characters recently... feedback please?

Xander: I know she's a lot younger than me, but don't they always say that I'm, young for me age.

Jac: They say that you're immature for your age.

Xander: Exactly. Maybe it's just a matter of timing...

Mel: Yeah- like she doesn't have time for you.

Xander: How can you be so insensitive to me? I'm nice to you! You could help me, she likes you -
you can tell her how good I am to you!

Mel: Like how you're, like, totally asking me to help you cheat on me right now?

Xander: Oh, why are things always so black and white for you people. I mean, I know I never went
mainstream, but I could have had those roles. I could've been a Richard Gere or a
George Clooney... I've got the talent...

Jac: You've definitely got the talent...

Xander: I've got the work ethic...

Mel: You work like a Trojan, Xander.

Xander: I've got the looks...

(Mel and Jac are silent.)

Xander: Well thank you very bloody much for your support!

(Lily enters.)

Lily: Morning, all.

Others: Morning, Lily.

Xander: What kept you out all night?

Lily: I was home – I just needed to go out and get something greasy to eat.

Xander: Right.

Lily: Why do they call it 'fast food', really? Why don't they call it 'food whenever we can be arsed
to get it to you'? One greasy youth writes down my order, another reads it, looks bewildered
and walks away...

Xander: They probably whipped him off to Kumon to learn to read.

Lily: And the cab driver... 'don't ask me for directions, your the bloody cab driver!' I mean, why
do they take these people straight off some leaky boat and stick them in a cab?

Xander: Oh please, Lily, don't get politically incorrect!

Lily: I mean – I know they give them a GPS, but they don't know how to use that... they just follow
the sun!

Xander: Shut up!

Lily: I'm frustrated.

Jac: That's what I've always said.

Lily: They took me the long way... cost me extra for their incompetence.

Xander: Oh, cry me a river!

Mel: (Singing the R&B song) Cry me a river, cry me a river...

Xander: Don't do that, please, I have to think!

Lily: (Finishing the jazz standard.) 'Cause I cried a river over youuuu....

Xander: Jac...

(Jac punches Lily out.)

Xander: Thank you. Let's get going...

Anyone?

No one?

Having bumped this twice, then buddy the gloves are off.
The biggest disapointment would have been if this was any good.

And thank goodness its a stinker.

Yee Gods this must be the most sterile, empty pointless back and forth dialogue I ever read. It's like a game of tennis in Hell with the ghost of Hitler that lasts for ever, whilst Karen Carpenter sings Metallica. Forever. And it's raining.

This empty drivelling discussion of fashion, drinking was done by Ab Fab for 5 deathless years. Badly. It's like you're not just a necrophiliac. You're f**king an ugly corpse to boot.

It reads like a soap, I don't know what style you are aiming for? but a short excerpt like this doesn't really work on here as it's too disembodied. As it is it doesn't appeal to me as something that I'd like to see more of, it's too reminiscent of the type of annoying 'teenagers moaning about life and being snidey to each other' thing I've come across on TV, but there's nothing terrible about it, it just doesn't work as a short piece on it's own.

I've read your stuff before so I am familiar with your Xander and Lily characters, but I would echo Shandonbelle's 'disembodied' comment. The above piece doesn't contain any discernible story, only a long chat between people we have no reason to care about.

It’s obvious from seeing more than one excerpt that YOU care about your characters, and Xander and Lily do have distinct voices (albeit a little similar to Edina and Patsy but you know that already) but you need to find a way to make your audience care at the start of (or somewhere within) each piece.

I myself am prone to letting my characters waffle on needlessly because I’m fond of them so I sympathise, but ultimately with sitcom your lines need to be cut until each one always does at least two of the following:- Shows character, moves the plot forward, is funny. You have to be ruthless with yourself.

Good luck.

Thanks for your feedback, everyone! I get that I am too verbose at times and I know this feels a bit disembodied. I thought of it a little prologue piece - like some shows have - introducing a theme that will be expanded on. I just thought that I'd put it up while I was thinking of it. Feedback certainly helps me get a sense of where to take it and what's missing. (Please - no where to take it? The trash can, What is missing? Humour - style come-backs, please ).
Sorry for the bumping!

I think the problem with this as a prologue or intro, for me, is that I don't really know what's going on so I wouldn't be interested in watching any further.

It sounds like he's after a girl- is that what he is referring to when he says he's thinking while the other one is singing? Where are they going at the end when he says 'let's get going'?

I think you could cut the fast food/taxi issue business down to just one or two neat funny lines, and use the extra time to make it clear what's happening and why people should keep watching

The first question you have to ask yourself is what is the scene 'for'?
What's it meant to be doing/saying?
Why does it earn it's place in your play/film/sitcom.
Chatting isn't drama.
Every scene must move the story forward - if it does it in a funny way, it' s comedy.
This just marks time - it doesn't get you anywhere.
Anything beyond the bare minimum it takes to communicate the point of the scene really has to earn it's place
If you had to cut it by 50% - what would you keep?
Do that.
Then cut it in half again.

As others have said this is not a scene that would ever be made - nothing really happens. Not to say this can't be useful. It's good to let your characters out and let them breathe and get to know them. But throw it away afterwards and write a scene where something happens. The characters must have moved, literally or metaphorically or both, by the end of the scene.

(PS @SootyJ - and you wonder why no one uses critique!)

Quote: David Salisbury @ August 14 2012, 1:49 PM BST

(PS @SootyJ - and you wonder why no one uses critique!)

View original

To be fair the OP did bump it . Twice.
Sometimes a writer should be savvy enough to take the eerie silence that follows their post as critique in itself.

Having written an entire script myself, and fallen into some traps, I think it's important that the story is always moving.

However, everyone loves writing banter-ish conversation dialogue.

If you want to include that kinda thing, it can be shoe-horned synthetically into the ongoing story.

For instance, if the story requires your characters to walk a fair distance together (missed last train etc.), between two locations THAT MOVE THE STORY FORWARD, have them banter during this walk. However, I think it should be snippets of banter, maybe inter-cut with something else. People's attention span for conversations is not very long (such things are not as funny to observe, as they are to be a part of).

A scene that stands alone as an island, disconnected to everything else, is very easily spotted.

You have to just be sneaky about how you include these conversational elements, and end up don't stopping the story too allow the characters to have a banter session in the bar.

Quote: Lazzard @ August 14 2012, 1:59 PM BST

To be fair the OP did bump it . Twice.
Sometimes a writer should be savvy enough to take the eerie silence that follows their post as critique in itself.

View original

Quite plus if you've published the same script in slightly different variants half a dozen time then patience wears out.

But what is it? Are these scenes from a film script, or prospective sitcom? This will affect the required pacing a bit.

Maybe these two characters are explained in a previous scene posting, but new viewers don't really know who they are, or what teh situation is.

Its an extract from a stage show he's hoping to turn into a sitcom