Quickies

IS THIS NORMAL
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A OLD MAN IS SITTING IN A DOCTORS SURGERY. A WOMAN DOCTOR IS SITTING IN A CHAIR NODDING AT HIM.

MAN:
It burns a lot, especially around my testicles and I’m worried it’s spreading to my penis.

DOCTOR:
Well, I’m sure it's a great read Mr Brown, but I’m not surprised your book club rejected your suggestion. Now what can I help you with today?

MAN:
I think I’ve sprained my ankle.

MUSIC BOX
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INT MUSIC SHOP. THE OWNER IS HAVING A HEATED CONVERSATION ON THE PHONE.

OWNER:
Yes. I’m sorry. Yes of course Mr Smith, we’ll get another piano delivered straight away. I don’t understand how it got damaged again. Yes I know this is the second one. Our delivery men are usually very careful. Ok, Goodbye.

THE OWNER PUTS THE PHONE DOWN AND SIGHS. THEN HE LOOKS ANGRILY IN THE DIRECTION OF TWO WORKERS DRESSED IN OVERALLS WHO LOOK LIKE LAUREL AND HARDY

SHOCKING
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1. INT FACTORY. TWO ELECTRICIANS BOB AND CHRIS ARE WORKING WITH A MASS OF CABLES. CHRIS IS WHISTLING. SUDDENLY BOB SCREAMS AND IS BLOWN ONTO THE FLOOR UNCONSCIOUS. CHRIS, WITHOUT STOPPING WHISTLING, GRABS ONE OF THE CABLES, PUTS IT ON BOB’S CHEST. BOB SHAKES AND THEN JUMPS UP, NODS AT CHRIS AND THEY BOTH CARRY ON.

CHATTERLEY
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EXT STATELY HOME. AN UPPER CLASS LADY IS FLIRTING WITH HER GARDENER. SHE LOOKS AROUND TO MAKE SURE NO-ONE IS LOOKING AND THEN LEANS OVER TO WHISPER IN HIS EAR. AS SHE’S DOING THIS HIS EYES WIDEN AND HE STARTS TO GRIN. SHE WALKS OFF SMILING AT HIM AND GIVES HIM A LITTLE WAVE.

FADE

INT KITCHEN OF HOUSE. THE MAN IS ASLEEP IN A CHAIR. THE LADY WALKS IN AND ANGRILY PUSHES HIM. HE WAKES UP AND LOOKS AT HER, TRYING TO MOUTH AN APOLOGY. HE THEN POINTS AT A SIGN ABOVE A DOOR THAT SAYS ‘TRADESMAN'S ENTRANCE’. SHE SHAKES HER HEAD IN FRUSTRATION AND WALKS OFF.

I do like the first one's premise but it doesn't quite work with the current dialogue. Differently worded I think it would be great.

I thought both Music Box and Shocking were spot-on quickies, nice stuff. In fact, you could easily continue Music Box, as a series with a different punchline each time (e.g. PG Tips Chimps, Del & Rodney-alikes instead of L&H lookalikes)

I don't think 'Chatterley' works, it feels too obvious and far-fetched at the same time.

Overall though, 2 perfects, 1 almost and only 1 dud! I'd be happy with half of that

Plus it's only my opinion which could always be bollocks! Good luck with them.

First one is great

Middle ones meh

Last one its a good if old joke, but a bit unclear.

Maybe if he carried a cockerel through the tradesmens entrance?

I like "shocking". It's nicely understated whilst sufficiently "clever".

The first one had most going for it, although it really didn't make sense the way its written. The second was gently amusing, the third wasn't really funny, and the fourth took an old joke and made it less understandable.

I like the first three. The first one is a bit confusing for me. I like the silliness, but don't completely get the joke to the point I'm chuckling. The simplicity and quickness of two and three make them easy to understand and say 'Heh' to without a problem. Anyone who's seen THAT Laurel and Hardy episode will laugh at the reference. Hopefully, most people will know who they are and appreciate the humour.

Now...Chatterley. I'd have liked her to be waving to him and us be thinking...hmm...bit boring, what next?...but then as she's throwing him a lingering look and walking away, she doesn't look where she's going and, while he focuses momentarily on what he's doing, she falls straight into a bush and disappears out of sight. Maybe, he could be the last shot and looking confused as to where she's suddenly gone when he looks up. A bit slapstick, but I'm a sucker for it.

Like 1 best.
Two and three work fine.
Four, as said, is an old one. Might work better if, after the fade, we just see him standing next to the sign looking at his watch impatiently

I like 1, 2 and 3, the latter of which, as Die Hard pointed out, could have different inept double acts as punches: Cameron/Clegg, Diamond/Agius etc ..

..and how's about bringing back 1 into 4 to round it off?

CHATTERLEY
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EXT STATELY HOME. AN UPPER CLASS LADY IS FLIRTING WITH HER GARDENER. SHE LOOKS AROUND TO MAKE SURE NO-ONE IS LOOKING AND THEN LEANS OVER TO WHISPER IN HIS EAR. AS SHE'S DOING THIS HIS EYES WIDEN AND HE STARTS TO GRIN. SHE WALKS OFF SMILING AT HIM AND GIVES HIM A LITTLE WAVE.

FADE

INT KITCHEN OF HOUSE. THE MAN IS SITTING AT THE TABLE, INTENTLY LISTENING TO THE LADY WHO IS READING ALOUD FROM A BOOK.

LADY:
"It burns a lot, especially around my testicles and I'm worried it's spreading to my penis..."

FADE

Thanks everyone for the feedback. Quite a bit of variation in what people like and don't like.

I wasn't sure how to introduce the book gag for the first sketch. My first attempt had the chap being an author.

DOCTOR:
Well, it's your book Mr Brown, but if I were you I'd change the title. Now what can I help you with today?

but didn't think that quite worked. How about

DOCTOR:
I'm sure it's a great read Mr Brown but I'm more into thrillers ...

or

DOCTOR:
I'm sure it is a well known book Mr Brown but you can understand why the girl at Waterstones asked you to leave.

Quote: Die Hard @ August 3 2012, 11:10 PM BST

I thought both Music Box and Shocking were spot-on quickies, nice stuff. In fact, you could easily continue Music Box, as a series with a different punchline each time (e.g. PG Tips Chimps, Del & Rodney-alikes instead of L&H lookalikes)

View original

Thanks. Funny you should say that but I was thinking about extending it and having Del and Rodney look alikes off on a job to clean someone chandalier

Seems like Chatterly was the one that didn't work for most. I'll put this one on the back burner for now.

Quote: Stylee TingTing @ August 4 2012, 11:04 PM BST

..and how's about bringing back 1 into 4 to round it off?

CHATTERLEY
**********
EXT STATELY HOME. AN UPPER CLASS LADY IS FLIRTING WITH HER GARDENER. SHE LOOKS AROUND TO MAKE SURE NO-ONE IS LOOKING AND THEN LEANS OVER TO WHISPER IN HIS EAR. AS SHE'S DOING THIS HIS EYES WIDEN AND HE STARTS TO GRIN. SHE WALKS OFF SMILING AT HIM AND GIVES HIM A LITTLE WAVE.

FADE

INT KITCHEN OF HOUSE. THE MAN IS SITTING AT THE TABLE, INTENTLY LISTENING TO THE LADY WHO IS READING ALOUD FROM A BOOK.

LADY:
"It burns a lot, especially around my testicles and I'm worried it's spreading to my penis..."

FADE

View original

Nice.

I'm thinking of finishing off all my sketches now with that last line

Shocking did make me laugh when I read it.
Is this normal was a good idea that didn't quite work for me.
Music Box I liked but guessed the punchline.
And I'm not sure I got the Chatterly one but think I might have.

Hope my indepth critique is as useful as usual..

The first one is a bit confusing because of the way it's written. I think I get what you're going at, but it's a bit predicatable and a cliché of a finish.

The second one is ok, but feels a bit old fashioned. I imagined it cutting to Little and Large as Laurel and Hardy. Actually, they'd make a good Laurel and Hardy.

The third one is the best for me. Had a jaunty feel to it and could see it fitting into something like Harry and Paul.

The fourth one, again, feels a bit old fashioned and Carry On. I think the world has moved on a bit. Mind you, the success of Mrs Brown's Boys would argue against this...

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ August 5 2012, 3:23 AM BST

Music Box I liked but guessed the punchline.

Hope my indepth critique is as useful as usual..

View original

Always useful Steve. Out of interest, did you guess the punchline for Music Box based on the sketch or did the title give it away?

Quote: Ben @ August 5 2012, 12:05 PM BST

The fourth one, again, feels a bit old fashioned and Carry On. I think the world has moved on a bit. Mind you, the success of Mrs Brown's Boys would argue against this...

View original

Hello Ben, I wasn't aiming for a Carry On feel, more of a Viz feel. I did at one point consider adding a scene in where she found him waiting for her in the bathroom under a golden shower, but it's probably best I leave this one for now.

1 - Should be worded differently as the long line doesn't seem neat enough to be believable as a book title.

2 - Great as is and my favourite.

3 - Great as is.

4 - I like it but think this would benefit from being shortened to simply show the woman whispering in his ear, then fade up to reveal him standing outside the tradesmen's entrance with her scolding him.

Quote: Ishy @ August 8 2012, 6:38 PM BST

Out of interest, did you guess the punchline for Music Box based on the sketch or did the title give it away?

View original

Just the Piano moving made me think immediately of Laurel & Hardy