I will be working on these tonight. I will add more detail to the jokes and I will separate each joke as if it were a new paragraph unless the jokes link. thanks for all the comments. I will write the script out again and re-post it as a new thread.
This is my first ever script Page 2
Ditto what badge said about the footballer line- it should be edited to something along the lines of:
"I always wanted to be a professional footballer, so for my GCSEs I took Drama."
The reason is that the unexpected item in the joke is the word drama, so that is where the laugh comes from. Anything you put after that the main punch word will be lost or just diffuse the laughter.
I would highly recommend googling joke writing formats; it will really really help you develop a critical eye for joketelling. Generally the less words the better, unless you're going for a purposefully verbose delivery. A good way to make your words more economic is to highlight them. Highlight everything that sets up the joke, highlight everything that you think should get a laugh, consider deleting the rest.
As someone else said, some of the jokes were a bit under explained- for example an audience of non-school aged people might not realise that Modern Warfare is an 18+ game, therefore the whole reason behind that joke won't make any sense to them.
My new script....
Hi I'm Andrew Rowland. I grew up in Wales with many neighbours, my neighbours were polish (lots of them in Merthyr, they choose Merthyr to come and sit on their arses and claim benefits) and my girlfriend was French, I'm kidding I had a sheep-friend.
When I used to walk to school me and my mates.... Well when I walked to school I went to the corner shop. Tesco was nearer but too expensive...
I always aspired to be a football player, so I took drama for my G.C.S.E's. That footballing dream was probably why in French when I was asked if I had a pen I Dropped off my chair holding my face while looking through my fingers every so often to see if it was working. I never took a pen to school because I knew my dropping off the chair technique would win me one....
As a child I was addicted to FIFA games but unfortunately there wasn't a level low enough for me to play on...
I got kicked out of church once as when I was playing FIFA on my PSP and just after the vicar said 'we will now proceed to the hymns' I conceded the most bizarre penalty to which I jumped out of my seat in disbelief screaming 'that's f**king bullshit!! For God's sake!'
In school I was seen as being short. So when I was playing cricket there was no call for "leg before wicket" it was 'face before wicket'...
Where I grew up we had our fair share of dickheads (and sheep). We were listed highest in the UK for teenage pregnancies and one of the UK's highest for obesity. Sound like a nice place huh? At least I can say I was not fat....
My brother and sister had a knack of arguing with each other. They also had a habit of talking in their sleep. Those two factors didn't mix well. I would be woken constantly by the sound of 'shut up Niall' - 'shut up Megan' - 'make me!' I would chip in with "shut the f**k up for f**k sake!" that would backfire on them turning on me with "f**k off!!"
I remember talking to my friends about call of duty. I would tell them things. They didn't believe that I had the game. I had to go home and take photos. I showed them photos to them and they would say "can't see the game" so I would go home and take photos from a completely new angle and tilt the phone at a 45° angle. I would take the photo to school and they would say ' that isn't even your shelf' so I say " what the f**k?!?! Do you think I just randomly walked into my polish neighbours house whistling 'hi ho' and say' alright? Just taking photos of your games don't mind me' click click- done?' "Yes" they would say so I told them where to go and walked away....
Quote: Andrew Rowland @ July 16 2012, 1:04 PM BSTMy new script....
Hi I'm Andrew Rowland. I grew up in Wales with many neighbours, my neighbours were polish (lots of them in Merthyr, they choose Merthyr to come and sit on their arses and claim benefits) and my girlfriend was French, I'm kidding I had a sheep-friend.
Racist and not especially funny. You also tell us nothing about yourself.
Quote: Andrew Rowland @ July 16 2012, 1:04 PM BSTWhen I used to walk to school me and my mates.... Well when I walked to school I went to the corner shop. Tesco was nearer but too expensive...
I'm not sure what you're saying here at all.
Maybe
"We had to walk 5 miles every day to school. We weren't poor, our busfare went on fags and cider at the corner shop. In Abergefeny because Tescos were shit hot on asking for ID"
Quote: Andrew Rowland @ July 16 2012, 1:04 PM BSTI got kicked out of church once as when I was playing FIFA on my PSP and just after the vicar said 'we will now proceed to the hymns' I conceded the most bizarre penalty to which I jumped out of my seat in disbelief screaming 'that's f**king bullshit!! For God's sake!'
I loved going to church, it was the only place quiet enough for me to play FIFA on my PSP. Until the day the Vicar said
"how can you avoid hell?"
And I shouted back
"F**k you ref that one was going in!"
The racist bit wasnt really my idea I was writing it out again with my mate. I like your new idea about the church part but the only part I would choose would be up untill the part where I scream. When I scream I would keep it to the penalty part if you know what I mean
What you cut out is more important than what you keep.
Lose that intro bit.
How should I start it off?
Here you go, I've edited it into something which might work on stage as stand up, see what you think and pop the cheque in the post... Hopefully, this might give you more of idea about joke structures.
Hi, my name's Andrew, I grew up in Merthyr in Wales, a place where everyone speaks an incomprehensible language full of consonants and strange letters, but that's the Poles for you.
My girlfriend is French, well I say girlfriend she's actually a sheep, a lovely ewe called Nicole, she's a bit older than me and doesn't really dress her age, she really IS mutton dressed as lamb.
I always wanted to be a Premier League footballer, like my hero Didier Drogba, so when it came to choosing my GCSEs I went with drama.
I'm getting pretty good, I was walking down the corridor the other day and a lad accidentally bumped into me, so I went down like a sack off spuds clutching my face and he got suspended. RESULT!
I'm addicted to the FIFA games but I'm not very good, even when I play as Barca I get beaten all the time,
I'm more Victoria than David Beckham, my nickname wouldn't be Goldenballs but Golden Shower.I got kicked out of church once as when I was playing FIFA on my PSP and just after the vicar said "Please kneel as we pray" I conceded a penalty after my defender lunged in and shouted 'For God's sake! Stay on your f***ing feet!", still at least I didn't shout "Who's the wanker in the black?".
In school I was quite short. When I was playing cricket I was often out "Face Before Wicket". And when I was fielding, to rub it in, the captain would always put me at Short Leg.
Where I grew up we had our fair share of dickheads (and sheep). We were listed highest in the UK for teenage pregnancies and one of the UK's highest for obesity, although maybe they were just confusing the pregnant girls with the fat ones. Still at least we were top at something.
Can I send you some of my scripts Tony 
Yeah, and I've got a draft that needs knocking into shape when you've got a mo.
Quote: Marc P @ July 18 2012, 12:43 PM BSTCan I send you some of my scripts Tony
For a fee.
I don't usually do freebies but I thought the lad could do with a hand and I thought about typing out loads of advice but, in the end, decided it'd be easier to show rather than tell.
Quote: Tony Cowards @ July 18 2012, 1:16 PM BSTI don't usually do freebies but I thought the lad could do with a hand and I thought about typing out loads of advice but, in the end, decided it'd be easier to show rather than tell.
It is usually a lot easier.
Quote: Tony Cowards @ July 18 2012, 1:16 PM BSTFor a fee.
I don't usually do freebies but I thought the lad could do with a hand and I thought about typing out loads of advice but, in the end, decided it'd be easier to show rather than tell.
If you can't teach, do.
And if you can do f**k all become a writer
Quote: Marc P @ July 18 2012, 2:25 PM BSTAnd if you can do f**k all become a writer
Not sure I can even do that at the moment...