G4 due to perform at the opening ceremony of the Olympics have disbanded and so The Police are set to open for them.
KISS: One-Liners Page 6
Embarassing typo makes it into ministers minutes on G4S debacle.
It's meant to say GFS boss takes buckell responsibility not G4S buss takes f**k all responsibility
"If choc ice is racist - then I'm a chinaman!"
"I've always wanted to watch Keith Allen take drugs... preferably a lethal dosage!"
"Newcastle's offer for Andy Carroll can be summed up in one word - rebate!"
"Marine Le Pen doesn't like being associated with the swastika... or any other Hindu symbol!"
"The coalition may be 'doomed to last' - however the Lib Dems are merely doomed!"
Ashley Cole has angrily denied the term choc racist was racist.
"I just meant he melts underpressure....the coconut bastard"
Daily Mail - George Michael reveals intimate details of his battle with pneumonia, and how he still has a five week memory gap - "I had to learn how to walk again".
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Andrew Ridgeley agrees. "Memory gap? Definitely" said Michael's former Wham band-mate. "It was actually a visit to a sauna on Old Compton Street, rather than a lung infection, that robbed him of his ability to achieve bipedal movement." he added.
Football clubs West Ham and Leyton Orient are bidding to be future tenants of the London Olympic stadium, which currently has a capacity of 80,000.
Having just wrote a sentence containing the words "80,000" and "Leyton Orient", I don't think I'll bother with a punchline...
HSBC have proved once again that the banks incompetence and corruption knows no bounds, after they tried to get involved in money laundering, but shrunk all the cash after accidentally putting it on a boil wash.
Hi folks, just a reminder if you haven't previously PM'd me (or Jamie/3songs) with the name you'd like credited on air if we use mateiral, then please do so before the end of the week. If you have previously done so, then I've still got the info thanks. In the absence of any other name, we'll use your BCG title.
Thanks
Alison
George Michael has revealed that he had to learn to use his legs again after his recent battle with pneumonia. Reports of him getting back behind the wheel of his car have coincided with a collapse in the share price of Snappy Snaps.
The football race row has taken a further, unexpected twist when Rio Ferdinand was spotted eating a choc ice.
Hi folks, a few from the last couple of days...
Fabrice Muamba has been awarded an honorary doctorate at the University of Bolton. However when told how much a degree would cost if you actually studied for it, his heart stopped for over an hour.
Th Duke of York has announced plans to abseil the Shard to raise money for hard-pressed charitable causes. He said of their financial situation that as he goes up they'll be down, and when he comes down they'll be up, but when he's only half way up they'll be neither up nor down.
Michael Buerk has warned the human race is heading for catastrophe as a result of overpopulation. He says we're all doomed if the number of people on the planet ever reaches nine billion...ninehundred-and-ninety-nine million, ninehundred and ninety-nine-thousand, ninehundred-and-ninetynine.
The Olympic torch has reached Jersey and Guernsey, bringing out huge crowds for the channel islands' first Nazi-inspired procession since liberation in May 1945.
Olympic cyclist Victoria Pendleton claims winning gold in Beijing was soured when her team-mates turned on her because of her relationship with her coach. She says most hurtful of all was being called the team bike.
On Bastille Day jets flew in formation over Paris and thousands of troops massed in an enormous show of strength. But thankfully President Hollande's girlfriend and ex-wife didn't bump into each other and the military was able to stand down.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have come to an amicable divorce settlement. Their daughter will spend weekdays with mum in New York, and weekends with dad on Arcturus XV17b.
Aung San Suu Kyi has taken her place for the first time on the opposition benches in Burma's parliament. The Governement extended to her a warm welcome, saying it hopes she'll stay in the House for many years to come.
Quote: sootyj @ July 17 2012, 2:13 PM BSTHello Brave Dave
and welcome.
Hello & thank you!
I'm not sure if you normally revise and edit or re-enter one-liners or not. So I guess I'll try:
This terrible summer's because the jetstream's hundreds of miles from where it's meant to be. Weathermen deny rumours that budget cuts forced them to switch to the easyjet-stream.
The economy's like one big card game. The Queen on the money, Mervyn King at the Bank of England and all the other banks have Knaves. And for wildcards there's a pair of jokers in number 10.
Admittedly your suggestion was tighter, but I like the jokers being a topper. It works in my "internal delivery", but possibly nowhere else!
Quote: sootyj @ July 17 2012, 2:13 PM BSTOuch terrible.
Hey I only got 1 terrible out of 4! 
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And new stuff for this morning:
Naked Rambler Stephen Gough has been released from prison after police admitted that they couldn't hold him any longer. They had legal grounds to, but it was starting to feel too creepy.
Doctors have found that inactivity may be as big a killer as smoking. I'm so worried I've cancelled my squash game to watch the rolling news coverage.
The average British adult now sends 50 texts per week, though this number plummets when you discount Ashley Cole.
(Sound FX: beep beep) Britons send 50 texts each week - tough thirsty are connecting spoolchucker types in the fist went.
(Sound FX: beep beep) Sorry that should be "though thirty are correcting spell checker typos in the first twenty."
Hello! This is my first time posting on a BCG forum. Here are some ideas for Kirrin Island (the first two are technically two-liners):
MISS STERN:Abigail, did you ask Milly why she failed her maths homework yesterday, in the playground, in front of everyone?
ABIGAIl:Yes, miss. We were playing Public Enquiry, miss.
JULIAN: I see this country's financial elite with their stubborn incompetence, their misplaced arrogance and it gets me down. But then, I think, 'No Man is utterly impenetrable, No Man has only nature's good and none of its bad, No Man ...'
GEORGE: Is an island just south-west of Kirrin.
We do so enjoy modern technology on Kirrin Island and sometimes it can be quite an education. I must say that I learnt a thing or two when I searched YouTube for Dick's visit to Aunt Fanny.
Inactivity is as dangerous for you as smoking. Which is why watching the Olympic Games really is as exciting as actually taking part.
The HSBC scandal has taught us how important it is to know where our money comes from. I rest assured that my money is produced locally, created by master-craftsmen at a secret location.
This milk crisis stinks. What do you think? Do you think it stinks or is it going to be alright for a day or so?
The good thing about attending Creationist school is that on your second day they install SKY.
I wish I'd gone to Creationist school, getting GSCEs in History and Biology would've been a piece of piss.
Apparently the Olympic Firelighting event has had to be canceled after allegations of match fixing.
So a lot of the stadia for the Olympic football are going to be half empty, don't tell me they were relying on G4S to recruit the supporters?
[quote name="Tony Cowards" post="894253" date="July 18 2012, 11:02 AM BST"
Apparently the Olympic Firelighting event has had to be canceled after allegations of match fixing.
[/quote]