KISS: One-Liners Page 3

Quote: sootyj @ July 12 2012, 9:35 PM BST

I've no interested in getting anything on the show.
I just like dicking about with gags and honing my art.

It's about the only thing I have even a scintilla of talent in.

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We'll get you on
even if we have to get one of your jokes rewritten by Justin Dan.

Anyway
Back to one liners.

They put Missiles on the top of our council Block.
Well as you can imagine we've gone Ballistic.

Atmosphere at a Stone Roses Gig?
I can't believe they've started covering Russ Abbott Songs

Rewrite one of my jokes?

Youre like the pope saying to michealangelo
'I said magnolia'

Oy Michealangelo!
There's only one D in God

I was talking about Justin Dan rewriting it
Not just anyone

With O2 on the blink it's no wonder the Orangemen were showing off again.

Chris Moyles is leaving breakfast - that must be how he's lost so much weight.

Scientists have finally managed to take a picture of light moving
If you look closely at the light you can just make out a Higgs Boson particle doing Bunny ears behind it

Police investigating the death of Tetra Pak heiress Eva Rausing think it's a hard-to-open-and-shut case.

M & S have had a fall in clothing sales
Their Managing Director admitted that the figures were disappointing But said that they would take them back & exchange them for some new ones

Quote: Badge @ July 12 2012, 11:16 PM BST

Police investigating the death of Tetra Pak heiress Eva Rausing think it's a hard-to-open-and-shut case.

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It's one thing the MoD using missiles to protect the Olympics but I'm not too sure about the newspaper headline, "East London flats to get Rapier".

They say that genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, so good news for Chris Moyles, he's only 1% away.

I've had my arms and legs amputated. It's cool, I've got a part in the next Lady Gaga video.

I'm a Mormom, I'd like you to meet my lovely wife. Not the ugly ones, I keep them indoors.

It's difficult to get pandas to mate. I can't even get mine into first gear.

They say Stephen Hawking's so intelligent, he'll pick anything up straightaway. Well I dropped a plate, nothing.

Maradona's been moaning again. I wishe he'd shut up and stick to what he's good at. Basketball.

I had a penis extension on the NHS. Went pear-shaped.

I don't think the Internet's destroying communication, but last joke someone said Lol.

Sienna Miller was in labour for three hours. Then she went back to the Tories.

Quote: Badge @ July 12 2012, 11:16 PM BST

Police investigating the death of Tetra Pak heiress Eva Rausing think it's a hard-to-open-and-shut case.

View original

Booyah!

I'm not very good with one liners, but I do enjoy a good dirty one...

I can't be the only one who's starting to think this wet spell is all E.L James'fault?

It's all very well Richard Branson offering trips into space, but I wouldn't mind a bit of space on the 7.30 Virgin line to Euston of a morning.

After divorce number three, Tom Cruise has decided to steer clear of women from now on....so no change there then.

Cold called by a Will writing company, Wayne Rooney was asked if he would like to put his affairs in order ( Liverpool accent) well there was Vicky, Tracey, that one from the nightclub, me friends nan...

Hundreds of commuters observed an hours silence on their way to work, thought to have been sponsored by O2.

Cleared of racist abuse, John Terry will have to learn to control his mouth in future...,. it's amazing how much those lip readers can pick up.

Quote: Shandonbelle @ July 13 2012, 9:15 PM BST

Cold called by a Will writing company, Wayne Rooney was asked if he would like to put his affairs in order ( Liverpool accent) well there was Vicky, Tracey, that one from the nightclub, me friends nan...

Hundreds of commuters observed an hours silence on their way to work, thought to have been sponsored by O2.

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Ditto

"It looks like dairy farmers are gonna go on strike... oh well - at least the wife's lactating!"

"Ed Miliband shouldn't have gone to that miner's gala... he's overage!"

"Nick Griffin's got his comeuppance... he's been blackmailed!"

"What I don't get about Germany banning circumcision - is why Hitler didn't think of it first!"

"No MP is more committed than Gordon Brown... at least not when it comes to dodging parliamentary duties!"