First stand up jokes - tests

okay, so this is my first post on this site and anxious to get some tips on what I have written. also when I show the woman talking I would be doing a chinese accent

before I start, I would really appreciate some advice on how to actually start my routine, I know what I want to write about and whats funny(what I think is anyway) but not sure how to actually introduce myself and start up.

okay...

ive got to say, accents are just wonderful devices, they define us and how others will react to us..i went in to maplins recently and was greeted by a strange chinese woman, all I heard was "herroooo".. I greeted her the same as I do to all the big issue sellers I see on the high street, completely ignored them(laugh)

i got what I wanted and went to the queue which was empty... I could see the same woman watching me walk through the isles(while saying that im squinting my eyes and moving my head left to right with a huge smile on my face)(small laughs)

"herro again"..just that please, this is when I nearly crapped myself, she shouted.."would you like to buy a pen with light on it!?!?"...no im okay thanks..she was persistant, are you suurrreee??, YES IM SURE, you can see in the dark with iittt? (laugh)

now, im thinkingthat's what bulbs and torches are for? anyway...again im saying no, but she won't stop! itttsss onllyyy aaaa poundddd!. okay im starting to get pissed off by this time and just said NO.

Then, after all that being nice...she suddenly hates me, all because what I wanted was around 2 pound and I had no change. as soon as she sees my card shes like...eeewww..i swear she had a face like she was going to put a chinese curse on me!!

whats annoying is the light isnt even on the writing end! even if I did come to the situation where I couldn't wait until electric is sorted, I still can't bloody write anyway!!

okaythat's just one joke..i know its quite in depth and has a lot of back and forth but when its actually spoken it does make sense.

Why not upload your video jokes and/or stand up routine to a new website freshlaughs.com, it free and its designed to allow upcoming comedians to gain feedback from the public and each other plus the chance to win cash each month for the highest rated video. good luck with your stand up career.

Thanks, never heard of them before. I thought id post on here to see what
People think of my writing and if any suggestions can be made to improve my routine

Freshlaughs.com is brand new, we launch officially at the end of July, but you can join and get your content on early as its live now. good luck

Thanks, I just registered, just gotta record myself doing my routine

This might have worked 30 years ago.

Explain why you have said that please.

Hi Steve,

I'm not sure you're aware (you're porbably not, and I doubt it was the intention), but this just sounds pretty racist. The humour is purely in laughing at this lady's accent, which is what the old school comics were doing 30 years ago(hence Gary's comment). Also what is a Chinese curse? If you were to take this into an open mic night, you would likely get into some trouble for it.

However, you could easily switch the story round by removing the cheap impressions and making it about this mad woman trying to flog you a pen, but you could do with formatting it into jokes, or at least something which feeds into and then provides punchlines. You could always draw out the encounter like it's a spagetti western, your eyes meeting accross the shop, as you can see her hand twitching as to rech for the flashy pen... you could do all sorts with this story, just leave out the borderline racism.

Thank you for replying, just a quick question, how do you know what ethnicity I am? If I was ridiculing an English person on their stereotypical accent it wouldnt be racist. I have chinese friends and all habe said they do not find it racist at all.

Think about russell peters, he talks about Indians, chinese, Americans, africans, all different ethnicities, including accents and stereotypes. I didnt once insult a certain type of person, only relayed an experience that actually happened

Steve1990 - unfortunately you're being a little naive about this. As a comic (back) on the stand up circuit race is the one subject you do not touch unless you're talking about your race. Rightly or wrongly (and I have my own opinions on the subject) it is the one taboo on the circuit. You can comment on it ironically - but you have to be very good and very funny to get away with it. I know of at least one black comic that spoke the subject of the N word on an urban nights night and got attacked for it. If you're going to tackle these subjects you have to be clever and you have to be funny. Honestly the material is neither. It's not really offensive (though people will not be willing to go with you on it - there is the middle class white guilt affect which limits this material - again I know a couple of brilliant comics who tackle this in a sublime way) but it's also not really funny. There's no punch in any of the lines which surprises you, I would also look to be far more economical with the words as at the moment it rambles.

Okay I understand, you guys didnt need to slag off what I wrote. I haven't started performing yet and I have never done anything like this before, telling me what I wrote is terrible isnt really helpful. At least nat tried to suggest something. Ill try to think about how to change it to be funny and acceptable but if people don't break taboo then we will always live in a very narrow minded and racist world. White people make a comment about anyone that is of a different race then its an atrocity, anyone calls white people cracker or honky and nobody bats an eyelid

I always found it a little bit confusing.

European Nationalities/accents/cultures are fair game (see The Pub Landlord going on about the name "John/Jean etc." etc.), but "Herro" would probably be regarded as racist.

Yet, the Chinese accent (inability to say 'l' etc.) is merely a product of many East Asian languages not really using the sound. It's not a "racial" thing. It's cultural, if anything.

Once you are on to physical features, however, you are on very shaky ground. I'm not sure if the squinted eyes thing was racial, or more in the Mexican Standoff style. I suspect the former...

Either way, you could deliver the meat of the joke/observation (the idiocy of the light/pen pointing in opposite directions) in a much more concise manner, and not lose much. The Chinese stuff doesn't really have enough going for it to take the "risk" of turning members of the audience against you.

By the way, the squinty eyes I said about was meant to refer to her watching me like a hawk, and also smiling to try and cover up the fact she suspects im up to something....was never a snap at physical features of anyone

It's been said really. On the page the pen story isn't really doing it for me. The funny accent thing isn't doing it either. I'm not against messing with racial foibles at all but if you're going to do it you've got to do it really really really well.

Okay thanks I appreciate the input