KISS: One-Liners

Dear all, we've decided to keep up the momentum on Live from Kirrin Island and record one or more Kirrin Island: Summer Shorts before the next full-on Live from KI episode in the Autumn (more details when I have them - including a call for sketches from BCG). The "shorts" will remain topical in nature and so this is the thread for topical one-liners from BCG members who'd like to contribute. The associated calling notice is on the "writing opportunities" forum.

The first of the shorts will be recorded on Saturday 21st July (two weeks) so provisional closing date is Thursday 19th July. 

Thanks everyone,
Alison

To get us going (until I can think of something better which I shall edit in);

WOMAN: If CERN were looking for something of no substance and no matter, as a result of a high speed collision of two lightweight elements, they only had to look as far as Jedward. 

i missed the deadline for the last one so some may no longer be considered topical, anyway lets get the ball rolling.

The scientists working at the Higgs boson have discovered some more insignificant mass whilst watching the Jeremy Kyle show.

Tom cruise hopes Katie holmes doesn't take the child, otherwise he will no longer have any shoes to borrow.

David Cameron is angry Following his scuppered plan. Neglecting his child after seeing how easy it was for the McCanns to get a book deal.

the spice girls re united for the opening of there musical, back in the 90's I was addicted to posh spice which cost my parents a fortune in saffron.

I brought a Parker pen made out of Lego from wh smiths, the only problem now is I have writer blocks.

Greece need to raise some money to pay back there debt to Germany, if only someone didn't steal all there valuable artefacts in world war 2.

Some people like comfort eating, personally I don't like the taste of fabric softener.

A Buddhist monk was arrested for assault according to the police reports it was a pre meditated attack.

I came last in the pole vault when I picked up and threw the polish athlete.

Barack Obama, Mitt Romney, Gary Johnson and Jill Stein went jogging in the park they were all running for president.

I liked the last one, just wondered if 'previously' in full would work better.

Amid drastic cuts in numbers, Philip Hammond, the defence secretary insisted that the Army would still be a force to be feared. He's obviously been out in Aldershot on a friday night then.

Hi folks, these are from the last few days, so I hope they'll still be fresh by deadline day..

Liam Fox has called for a renegociation of Britain's position within the EU. He says our future relationship should be in accordance with the very finest European principles of 'Liberty, Egality and Werrity'

The Bank of England's Governor Mervyn King has called for the introduction of a new culture in the boardrooms of Britain's banks. Most people say they favour MRSA.

Katie Holmes has revealed the real reason for her marriage breakup. Following one final night of attempted reconcilliation she texted a close friend the words 'Emission Impossible'.

A Constable has been bought for a record twenty-five million pounds. Rupert Murdoch called the figure 'ridiculous', saying he'd managed to buy the whole Met for a fraction of that price.

The Royal Society has revealed details of an ancient place under the North Sea known as 'Doggerland'. It's named after a mysterious site where neolithic men would gather under cover of darkness to watch married couples shagging in their open-top chariots.

The Vatican Bank has opened an ATM through which customers can conduct their business in Latin. The move comes as a direct response to Barclays whose cashpoints have begun reciting the Lord's prayer backwards.

(OK, this time I have seen that these are topical-only)

-----------------

(1) Wimbledon organisers have admitted that there is a fault with the Centre Court scoreboard; where it can only count up to three sets.

"This obviously won't be an issue for the ladies' final" said a Wimbledon spokesperson... "... or the men's".

------------------

(2) After a spate of attacks in China and the US, where people have been eaten alive, it has been confirmed that the feared zombie apocalypse has now spread to Norwich North.

------------------

(3) Robin Van Persie offered 220K-per-week to play for Man City.

I'd play for the Man City team for 220K-per-week... In fact, I'd do the Man City team for 220K-per week...

--------------------

Edit: Thought of one more while lying in bed...

--------------------

(4) Irish scientists were disappointed in the news that CERN had discovered the Higgs Boson.

"We tried colliding two protons at high speeds many times, but couldn't create a Higgs Boson" said Dr Paddy O'Geady. "It just made a mess..."

"We even asked the guys in the factory over in Malaysia to add turbo-chargers, but it didn't work" he added.

I liked the first one. Unless he wins of course and then he is British again.

He's a great player, but just doesn't turn up in slam finals.

Take that slam monkey off his shoulder, and he's the sort of player that could win four or five. Much like golf's oft-bridesmaid, Phil Mickelson, after finally breaking his duck.

The trouble is I guess, that the show will be recored after the results are known so you may want to edit it tomorrow.

If murray wins.....

Congratulations to Andy Murray, the first scottish Hero to be paraded through the streets of London since William Wallace, except Murray is hated by both sides.

If he wins, I guess the Blancmanges' plan to win Wimbledon has failed as well.

Higgs Bosun Found! After 28 tears, the ex-Navy man tells all about the professors obsessive hunt for 'that particle,' and what 'splicing the main brace' really means.

Murray(if he loses)quoted as saying.
'You can take away my winnings, but you cannae take away my mediocrity.'

Welcome to the Paralympics. What a great sight to see the German team all joining hands together so that he can compete in the 100 metres final later on today.

The Paralympics - Where it's not the taking part that counts, it's having remembered to take the parts that count.

Its raining cats and dogs down here, there's an emergency call out for extra kennels.

The British Summer... Sun, Sea and Sandbags.

Quote: sean knight @ July 7 2012, 12:39 PM BST

If murray wins.....

Congratulations to Andy Murray, the first scottish Hero to be paraded through the streets of London since William Wallace, except Murray is hated by both sides.

View original

But since he's losing.

Commiserations to Andy Murray. They should still parade him through the streets of London though, just like that other Scottish Hero, William Wallace.