Quote: David Bussell @ January 24, 2008, 2:23 PMHard to imagine an audience having any sympathy for this Ed character. What are his redeeming features exactly? I mean what does he do when he's not raping?
They're not meant to have any sympathy for him, they're meant to have sympathy for the loveable shy character that he is bullying. He's not a rapist anymore, he grew out of that...
Charisma, read David's stuff to find out 'how it's done' It's educational, you will think,'well that taught me a lesson'/Ken Dodd 1926.
Quote: charisma @ January 24, 2008, 12:59 PMHOLLY
I’m sorry. I can’t. I’m not ready.
I don't understand what this means. 
I didn't have a problem with the ending considering its fictional. I wouldn't change it. If it was a drama would you change it?
Quote: Jerf Roberwitz @ January 24, 2008, 3:21 PMCharisma, read David's stuff to find out 'how it's done' It's educational, you will think,'well that taught me a lesson'/Ken Dodd 1926.
Here we go again....
to be honest this just made me feel a bit ill.
it would be funnier if it was the other way round i think.
if the girl is trying to get ed to sleep with her and he doesn't want to. and then ed's dad comes in and offers them some johnnies. or even holly's mum, or granny.
I've now redrafted so he just says he's not gonna force her to do anything...but since that would make him a nice guy, I've changed the early exchanges so he is more intensely persuasive.
Like I said before though, it's not meant to be all that funny, it's for character development which I wanted ideas for and this has been very helpful (as my message was clear enough) and I've changed it (as stated above) so thanks guys. 
Didn't really do anything for me...TBH.
Maybe an unexpected twist it could be Holly's Dad doing the encouraging...but
Anyway seeing as I'm here
INT. ED’S BEDROOM – DAY
FOURTEEN YEAR OLD ED IS SAT ON HIS BED WITH A GIRL, HOLLY. HE HAS HIS ARM AROUND HER.
HOLLY
I've only known you a couple of weeks Ed.
ED
Oh, come on. It’s a sign of our love. And everyone’s doing it now. I bet your best mate Lindsey is shagging Paul.
HOLLY
(ponders)I suppose so. Do you promise to respect me in the morning though and not go bragging to your mates?
ED
Don’t be silly ofcourse i won't tell. And I’m only doing it because I love you.
ED STANDS UP AND LOWERS HIS TRACKY PANTS OVER HIS EAGER LOVE PRONG. HOLLY COCKS HER HEAD TO ONE SIDE TAKING IN THE SITUATION
HOLLY
Hmmm, its not as Big as my Dad's...
ED LOOKS STUNNED AT THIS ANNOUNCEMENT, HOLLY REGISTERS HIS LOOK OF SHOCK AND HURT
ED
But(PAUSE)its bigger than my Brother's
HOLLY
And it's bigger than my Brother's too (PAUSE),both of them
ED
But they are only 11 and 12!
HOLLY
Yes, thats true, hmmm, but it's bigger than the ice cream Man's and he must be 50!
ED
(HAPPY)
Cool!!
THE END
No one call the cops and I don't know if kids say cool anymore! Do they?
Right I've got ice cream to sell, laters.
I came in here looking for under age sex, but all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
(Was too scarred to search Google for what I really had in mind.)
The tears of joy stuff at the beginning is pretty good - Ed's first speech.
The rest is so amazingly humourless that I wonder what you were aiming at, or why you want to write comedy.
Quote: Leevil @ January 25, 2008, 4:48 PM(Was too scarred to search Google for what I really had in mind.)
I feel sorry for my dylexic cousin, whos a music fan, and Googled 'Kneel Young'
Quote: ajp29 @ January 25, 2008, 5:38 PMI feel sorry for my dylexic cousin, whos a music fan, and Googled 'Kneel Young'
Now that's good.
Quote: Godot Taxis @ January 25, 2008, 5:27 PMThe rest is so amazingly humourless that I wonder what you were aiming at, or why you want to write comedy.
Huh? I've said it wasn't meant to be funny...firstly, I've rewritten it since I put it on here anyway, but regardless, the intent was not to be funny - the intent was to make you dislike Ed, and I think it fulfilled its aim.
Charisma you should not apologise for your work. The only opinion which really matters is your own as its your work.
Quote: ajp29 @ January 25, 2008, 9:40 PMCharisma you should not apologise for your work. The only opinion which really matters is your own as its your work.
Or the opinion of producers?? Yeah sorry man, I do tend to apologise, if I post on here and people are willing to spend their time to read my work and they don't like it, I feel I should apologise because I've let them down and not fulfilled their expectations. I'm sorry.
Quote: charisma @ January 25, 2008, 6:41 PMHuh? I've said it wasn't meant to be funny...firstly, I've rewritten it since I put it on here anyway, but regardless, the intent was not to be funny - the intent was to make you dislike Ed, and I think it fulfilled its aim.
Oh sorry, mate. Job done then.